Lack of Self-Love

I have been really struggling with some self-kindness lately, and embracing the thought of me being beautiful. It’s not uncommon for a woman to experience these feelings after pregnancy, and it isn’t uncommon for it to last longer than the first few months. For me, it’s been almost two years of feeling “not like myself”. When I look back to four years ago, I ran my first marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Two years ago, I was deadlifting twice my body weight, and was also in the best shape of my life. Now, I don’t feel right in any of the clothes I put on. Even if it fits right, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loss the sense of confidence that I used to have back in the day.

But you know, I just talked to a friend about it. She just had a baby, and the first thing that I said to her was to give herself some grace to heal, to fall into her new role as a mother, and to take the time for her new born baby. Bouncing back isn’t important. Supporting her is important. So why couldn’t I say that to myself? Is it because it’s been almost two years since I had my baby? Is it because I should have bounced back like celebrity moms or moms that have more time in the world for some reason (like seriously, where do you get that?) Or that I should look like the teenager who has never held a child in her stomach before? I feel huge standing next to people. I feel like I take up too much space in the world.

I’ve already written about my struggle with body dysmorphia. Ever since I was a young child, my weight would be talked about when meeting with relatives. “Ang taba mo na” (you’re so fat now), or having my eating disorder praised with “ang sexy mo naman”. Only to know it’s because I was eating only Honeycombs in the morning, and throwing up my food at night. Loving myself always came with an expense. An expense to my mental, emotional, and physical health. Now it’s even harder after experiencing postpartum psychosis, disordered eating, major depression, and anxiety. But you know what…

I forget that my body created life sometimes. I forget that what started out as something microscopic, turned into my 6.5 lbs son and a vital organ to support him. I’m lined with stretch marks to show that my body grew to make room for Mav. Maybe I have a little more on my hips than I used to, but it just helps cushion my body now. I carried more weight on my chest to provide nutrition for my son. And you know, my body is pretty freakin’ amazing for doing all of that. So I’m glad I wrote this… Because sometimes it takes writing it all out to realize what kind of positive thoughts can be buried by negative thoughts…

So if you’re feeling down on your self-image today, don’t. You’re beautiful. And your body does so much for you to make it through the day, so you should appreciate it, no matter what it looks like. It’s not like that’s what matters anyways. What matters is what’s inside your heart guys. Really. Skin ages. Bodies age. Hair turns grey. But what’s inside, doesn’t change. So take up space! Eat your food. Enjoy it all.

what i’ve learned being a mom

Nothing is ever going to go as planned.

  This is probably the most accurate thing I could say. You could plan for a storm, and there's still going to be something that you end up forgetting. Somehow, Maverick always finds a way to put a dent in our plans when doing something out of routine. He's gotten a little better about adapting, but on the days he doesn't want to be flexible, Maverick is as stiff as a board. He's stuck in the thought process that the world is ending, so he might as well make the most of it. So, be prepared, always be prepared. FOR EVERYTHING

Mother's intuition for a sick baby is very accurate.

  I'd say 99% of the time, before I even took Maverick's temperature, I felt him and just had an inkling that he was sick. Don't ever take your intuition for granted, because you know your baby best. If your baby seems off in the slightest to you, where baby isn't playing, interacting, or eating like normal, then you KNOW something is off. Even if it looks normal to others, you know it's not normal for you.

Toddlers have their share of bad days too.

  We often see a toddler losing their cool in a store, and the poor parent having to deal with them. That's the thing "deal with them". We look at toddlers like they are "bad" when they have these meltdowns, but in reality, toddlers have bad days just like you and me. They just don't know how to manage their big emotions, so it comes out as a tantrum. We have to remember that our little kiddos are human and that they can have bad days, but that doesn't make them inherently bad.

A routine can fix about 80% of your problems.

  I say about 80% because refer back to my first point, nothing ever goes as planned. Hahaha. But having a routine gives your toddler something to expect. We always do shower, dinner, walk, sleep. Every evening we've done that, and if we switch it up, Maverick ends up going to bed very fussy or is super hard to put down to begin with. When your toddler knows what to expect, transitions are a lot easier! No one likes a surprise. Occasional surprises are okay though when you're on vacation, or if Mickey Mouse is involved of course.

There's more to motherhood than wine memes.

  There is more to motherhood than bubble baths by yourself, without bath toys, and with a glass of wine in hand. I hate that as a society, we've resorted to wine as a coping mechanisms for mothers to feel like they can conquer the day. Since becoming sober, I've realized how much alcohol made it's way into our day to day life. At night, once Maverick is sleeping, we'd reach for a bottle of wine ASAP. Now that we don't do that, there's more to do with our time than to sit on the couch and drink. You don't need a wine glass to tell you that you made it through the day. Get more hobbies. (This sounds so condescending, but I promise that if you switch the bottle for a crochet needle, you'll have a blanket by Christmas. But in all seriousness, if you want to drink, go for it. But remember, you don't need it to prove your a tough mom that’s got it rough.)

Why every couple should do marriage counseling or retreats

I could count how many times on one hand Sean and I have had an argument this year that turned into a full out brawl. Actually, I don’t really need to count because there hasn’t been one this year, thankfully. It’s almost November too (yay!) Sean and I have worked very hard on the relationship we have with each other. It’s not been a walk in the park the entire 6, almost 7 years we’ve been together. We’ve definitely had our share of arguments, but after attending couples therapy and a retreat, we’ve gotten a lot better at communicating our needs. Here are some great reasons why you should also take a step in that direction if you think your relationship needs some spice.

Counseling doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong, but it does help grow your relationship.

Learn each other’s love language

Do you know what your love language is? There’s a total of five different love languages, and everyone has their own. My love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I communicate best through words, I take words very seriously. I also like that Sean will clean up after himself (most of the time), and will help with chores around the house. I love that he especially helps with Maverick. Sean’s love language is Physical Touch and Gifts. He loves to give gifts, and he loves to hold hands and hug.

Though physical touch is my last love language (for personal reasons), I am still willing to fulfill Sean’s needs because it’s only fair that if he communicate in my love language, I communicate in his. We didn’t always see eye to eye before when it came to the way we love, so we were always wondering why nothing was ever getting through to the other. Now that we know, it’s been a lot easier to pat Sean on the head while listening to him tell me I’m pretty.

It’s important to have an equal give and take with communicating in love language. You can’t only communicate in one person’s language.

Open and honest communication is so important

When going through therapy, it’s important that you don’t hold anything back. If something is bothering you, than you should speak up about it in a cordial manner. Not one where you’re necessarily putting blame on your partner, but telling them how it effects you is important. It’s common sense, if you don’t speak up about it, they’ll never know. No one here reads minds, no one is a psychic (unless you are, then come see me in the comments), and no one can guess what you’re thinking. It’s not fair to say, “they should just know.” Because how would you feel if they said that to you? BE FAIR and OPEN UP. Give them a chance to right their wrongs, instead of blaming them for doing something annoying and they don’t even realize it’s annoying.

Non-bias point of view

Having a therapist there is perfect because they are the mediator for you and your partner. They have a non-bias opinion on both of your stances in the relationship, and they’re solely there to help guide your conversation. They’re able to spot faults in communication, and they’re able to help give you solutions on how to fix them. You should never try to make your therapist take your side over your partner’s because that would defeat the entire purpose of couple’s therapy.

Strengthening connections that are already there

Chances are that you and your partner already have so much in common. That’s probably the reason you’re together now! If you both like dancing, then go out dancing instead of staying in. If you’re both into food, then book yourself a nice 7-course meal and act like Michelin snobs at the restaurant, only to grab McDonald’s afterwards. If you’re lucky (HA) to be in the Army like us, there are programs such as Strong Bonds with the Chaplain that take couples on retreats to beautiful places. We were lucky to go to one in Korea, and we were able to stay at a 5 star hotel for free. They had classes on communication and love languages, and then the rest of the time was free to hang out. You should really look into it!

No matter what you decide to do, remembering that you are part of a team is the key to a successful relationship. Although it is important to maintain your identity and your individualism, you’re in a relationship to contribute to the growth of your partner and yourself. Good luck, and I hope this helps!

Challenging our thoughts with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I’ve done a lot of therapy before, you name it, from DBT, EMDR, talk therapy, group therapy, and CBT. So what is cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT?

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of psychological treatment that has been demonstrated to be effective for a range of problems including depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness.

- American Psychological Association

CBT is based on challenging your unhealthy, unhelpful, or faulty ways of thinking. It helps challenge learned behaviors that are less than idea for healing. It helps you learn different coping mechanisms to deal with symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other PTSD symptoms that can effect your life.

You may already do this kind of thinking process in your head when you’re confronted with a problem. You try to weigh out the “pros” and “cons”, or the “what ifs” of a situation. Below I’ve posted an example that I recently used with a situation I was in a couple of weeks ago. Feel free to download the blank worksheet and use it for yourself when you find yourself struggling with negative thinking.

Breaking down the worksheet

Situation: What was the situation that you were in? What was going on around you that made you feel the way you feel? What was the event?

Emotions or feelings: What were the emotions you felt? Try to be more descriptive than just “sad” or “angry”. Really try to figure out what emotion you felt and why.

Negative automatic thought: What was the first image/thought that popped into you head to make this a negative situation?

Supporting/Non-supporting evidence: What supports that your thought is true or false?

Alternative thought: Looking at the evidence, what can you concur about the thought that could be a different way of looking at it?

They say it takes a village... so where the hell is this village?!

Isn’t it so frustrating to hear that? “It takes a village to…” so where the hell is this village? Where do I sign up and magically get one, because I kinda feel like I’ve been in this alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some people show up for me when I’m in dire need of some help, but where are people on the normal days?

Okay, let me try and make this post a little more relatable instead of it sounding like a bitch fest on why I don’t have any friends. Honestly though, I don’t have a lot of friends. I’m not exactly at the top of anyone’s list to being maid of honor right now. (Although, I am a bridesmaid for my girl Kenna, ayeee!) But in all honesty, do people just text each other day and night, every single day, or is that something that I’m making up in my head? Like I don’t actually consistently text anyone unless it’s Sean, and that’s usually about baby things.

An international women’s club that was located in Pyeongtaek, Korea. The love and friendship here made me so happy, they were so genuine with each other, and still are!

But I’m talking about sending memes, talking tsismis, and just overall talking in general… Do people do that still? I remember when I was younger, I’d wait until 9PM to talk to my friends because it was free. I remember always hopping on Yahoo! Messenger and MSN and AIM just to talk to my friends that I JUST saw before hopping on the school bus. Now it seems like a fear just to send a “hey how ya doin’ text?” just because I think I’ll be left on read. Which HAS happened, okay. Like it’s not just something I’m making up.

I find myself feeling so worthless when I’m left on read. I say something super nice like, “oh man, can’t wait to see you” and then nothing. Like ouch, burn. I don’t have much of a village. I have a crew of pirates, more or less. Sometimes they jump ship, sometimes they come back, it’s kind of a give and take sort of thing, ya know?

I’m not the type of girl that goes out on girls’ night out or sunday brunches. I’m not the girl that has the huge entourage at the club. I don’t have a besty bringing me starby’s while I’m at work and they’re on their day off. I don’t just go out and get a mani/pedi with my bff. Like, it just isn’t in my cards. So my question is, HOW DO I GET THAT IN MY CARDS?

Oh, before that though, I do want to thank all of those who have stood by my side through thick and thin, good and bad, and have seen me at my worst just to see me at my best. I love you all, truly.

End rant. This was a garbage post, I’m sorry. It’s just a brain dump of a dumpster fire of thoughts that make me so envious of people who have these kinds of relationships, and I’m absolutely livid that it’s not me. Okay, bye.