I have been really struggling with some self-kindness lately, and embracing the thought of me being beautiful. It’s not uncommon for a woman to experience these feelings after pregnancy, and it isn’t uncommon for it to last longer than the first few months. For me, it’s been almost two years of feeling “not like myself”. When I look back to four years ago, I ran my first marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Two years ago, I was deadlifting twice my body weight, and was also in the best shape of my life. Now, I don’t feel right in any of the clothes I put on. Even if it fits right, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loss the sense of confidence that I used to have back in the day.
But you know, I just talked to a friend about it. She just had a baby, and the first thing that I said to her was to give herself some grace to heal, to fall into her new role as a mother, and to take the time for her new born baby. Bouncing back isn’t important. Supporting her is important. So why couldn’t I say that to myself? Is it because it’s been almost two years since I had my baby? Is it because I should have bounced back like celebrity moms or moms that have more time in the world for some reason (like seriously, where do you get that?) Or that I should look like the teenager who has never held a child in her stomach before? I feel huge standing next to people. I feel like I take up too much space in the world.
I’ve already written about my struggle with body dysmorphia. Ever since I was a young child, my weight would be talked about when meeting with relatives. “Ang taba mo na” (you’re so fat now), or having my eating disorder praised with “ang sexy mo naman”. Only to know it’s because I was eating only Honeycombs in the morning, and throwing up my food at night. Loving myself always came with an expense. An expense to my mental, emotional, and physical health. Now it’s even harder after experiencing postpartum psychosis, disordered eating, major depression, and anxiety. But you know what…
I forget that my body created life sometimes. I forget that what started out as something microscopic, turned into my 6.5 lbs son and a vital organ to support him. I’m lined with stretch marks to show that my body grew to make room for Mav. Maybe I have a little more on my hips than I used to, but it just helps cushion my body now. I carried more weight on my chest to provide nutrition for my son. And you know, my body is pretty freakin’ amazing for doing all of that. So I’m glad I wrote this… Because sometimes it takes writing it all out to realize what kind of positive thoughts can be buried by negative thoughts…
So if you’re feeling down on your self-image today, don’t. You’re beautiful. And your body does so much for you to make it through the day, so you should appreciate it, no matter what it looks like. It’s not like that’s what matters anyways. What matters is what’s inside your heart guys. Really. Skin ages. Bodies age. Hair turns grey. But what’s inside, doesn’t change. So take up space! Eat your food. Enjoy it all.