The fork in the road when conflict is inevitable

“Conflict is a meeting place. It is a state of discomfort that reveals to me what I care about, what no longer feels acceptable, and the boundaries that need to be set... It is an opportunity to regenerate our relationships or allow them to come to an end. While communion is imperfect, moving through conflict shows us the core of our care.”

-Mimi Zhu

What it feels like when no one is listening to us

You know in the Goofy Movie, when Max is given charge of the map, and he has to make the decision on whether to go fishing or to the Powerline concert? Well, that’s the fork in the road that I’m talking about with conflict. As you can see, Goofy wasn’t too happy with Max’s decision, and it’s because Max lied to Goofy and made decision without him. There’s either communion where you come back together and work on a plan, or there’s separation, where it’s hard for both parties, but sometimes necessary. So let’s delve a little deeper into what conflict is before we get ahead of ourselves.

Conflict as stated in Webster’s dictionary, is a serious disagreement, usually protracted, meaning it’s more than just a lover’s quarrel. It’s not just a misunderstanding. It lasts longer, which allows you to sit in your feelings a little bit more to let them brew over and take hold of your entire being… You end up making harsh decisions like Goofy’s choice to drive off the cliff in previously noted GIF, (laugh, it’s good for you.)

Even though sometimes it may feel like you’re driving blind, there are good things that can come with conflict. As Mimi Zhu stated, it shows you what you truly care about. Most of the time when we’re in conflict, we end up saying, “I don’t even care anymore”. If you truly didn’t care anymore, than that wouldn’t give you a reason to be so angry. So take note that your extreme anger means that you care deeply about something with that person.

I wrote a blog a long time ago about “when it’s time to let go,” and it’s about conflict as well, but that’s past the fork that I’m talking about. Conflict, if done in a productive way where both parties are listening to understand, can end in communion and a stronger bond; if done in a way where both parties are feeling more emotion than logic, than it can end in a way where the bond is severed.

What to do when faced with conflict

So when you’re faced with conflict, remember that the best things you can do are to listen to understand, reply to articulate your thoughts but not to blame, and to try to come down your high horse if you think you’ve done nothing wrong.

1. Listening to reply means that you are letting the words and delivery get to you more than the meaning behind the words. Listening to understand means that you are trying to hear what the person is saying rather than how they’re saying it. Your partner is going to understand your body language more than they are your words if you come off aggressive, so keep that in mind too.

2. Replying to blame means that you didn’t listen to understand, but you’re pointing out their flaws more than you are understanding where they’re coming from. It’s all a part of active listening, which is a skill that needs to be learned. This also goes with body language, remain open, remain calm.

3. Being on a high horse like you’ve done nothing wrong is also blaming the other person more than accepting your own faults.

When to get a mediator

In conflict, it’s mostly misunderstanding which can be helped by mediator. If your conflict is too hard to manage without a mediator, I suggest getting a therapist or a friend who is able to be non-biased with you ~ your own personal Yoda. Don’t get someone like Pete from the Goofy movie who will put more bad biased thoughts in your head. A mediator is supposed to be able to understand both sides, and is supposed to be able to listen through the emotions and delivery to understand the words and the meaning. It’s hard to hear those things when you’re blinded with anger.

What to remember when you’re having a fight

If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be fighting so hard for that person to understand. You obviously care a lot. Conflict shows that. It’s probably just a misunderstanding, or sometimes, it’s more like someone having to change their ways and grow into someone else. But you have to be willing to be there for that growth and to help develop it. You may not know, but you may also have some of your own growing to do. Remember, like Mimi said, communion is imperfect. It won’t always be an easy road, but at least it’ll be the right road.

Why every couple should do marriage counseling or retreats

I could count how many times on one hand Sean and I have had an argument this year that turned into a full out brawl. Actually, I don’t really need to count because there hasn’t been one this year, thankfully. It’s almost November too (yay!) Sean and I have worked very hard on the relationship we have with each other. It’s not been a walk in the park the entire 6, almost 7 years we’ve been together. We’ve definitely had our share of arguments, but after attending couples therapy and a retreat, we’ve gotten a lot better at communicating our needs. Here are some great reasons why you should also take a step in that direction if you think your relationship needs some spice.

Counseling doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong, but it does help grow your relationship.

Learn each other’s love language

Do you know what your love language is? There’s a total of five different love languages, and everyone has their own. My love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I communicate best through words, I take words very seriously. I also like that Sean will clean up after himself (most of the time), and will help with chores around the house. I love that he especially helps with Maverick. Sean’s love language is Physical Touch and Gifts. He loves to give gifts, and he loves to hold hands and hug.

Though physical touch is my last love language (for personal reasons), I am still willing to fulfill Sean’s needs because it’s only fair that if he communicate in my love language, I communicate in his. We didn’t always see eye to eye before when it came to the way we love, so we were always wondering why nothing was ever getting through to the other. Now that we know, it’s been a lot easier to pat Sean on the head while listening to him tell me I’m pretty.

It’s important to have an equal give and take with communicating in love language. You can’t only communicate in one person’s language.

Open and honest communication is so important

When going through therapy, it’s important that you don’t hold anything back. If something is bothering you, than you should speak up about it in a cordial manner. Not one where you’re necessarily putting blame on your partner, but telling them how it effects you is important. It’s common sense, if you don’t speak up about it, they’ll never know. No one here reads minds, no one is a psychic (unless you are, then come see me in the comments), and no one can guess what you’re thinking. It’s not fair to say, “they should just know.” Because how would you feel if they said that to you? BE FAIR and OPEN UP. Give them a chance to right their wrongs, instead of blaming them for doing something annoying and they don’t even realize it’s annoying.

Non-bias point of view

Having a therapist there is perfect because they are the mediator for you and your partner. They have a non-bias opinion on both of your stances in the relationship, and they’re solely there to help guide your conversation. They’re able to spot faults in communication, and they’re able to help give you solutions on how to fix them. You should never try to make your therapist take your side over your partner’s because that would defeat the entire purpose of couple’s therapy.

Strengthening connections that are already there

Chances are that you and your partner already have so much in common. That’s probably the reason you’re together now! If you both like dancing, then go out dancing instead of staying in. If you’re both into food, then book yourself a nice 7-course meal and act like Michelin snobs at the restaurant, only to grab McDonald’s afterwards. If you’re lucky (HA) to be in the Army like us, there are programs such as Strong Bonds with the Chaplain that take couples on retreats to beautiful places. We were lucky to go to one in Korea, and we were able to stay at a 5 star hotel for free. They had classes on communication and love languages, and then the rest of the time was free to hang out. You should really look into it!

No matter what you decide to do, remembering that you are part of a team is the key to a successful relationship. Although it is important to maintain your identity and your individualism, you’re in a relationship to contribute to the growth of your partner and yourself. Good luck, and I hope this helps!

5 love languages that you should really know being in a relationship

How often do we find ourselves feel like we’re giving our all to our partner or children, and still feel like we aren’t getting the same love reciprocated? Our “love tank” may be fueled by our loved ones, but sometimes “it just isn’t enough”. Which in return, leaves us feeling a little empty. That’s probably because our love language is not being spoken to. According to Sunny Motamedi, a marriage and family therapist, there are five love languages that we can all naturally gravitate towards.

Words of Affirmation

This can be verbal communication like saying, “I love you and I appreciate you” every day, or nonverbal like written letters, texts, or nowadays, social media posts. Active listening by restating what they’ve said to show you are understanding them can also be a great way to reassure them that you’re there for them.

Acts of Service

This is one of the ways I like to communicate my love. I try to make life easier for my husband by doing housework like making sure he has clean clothes, having food ready for when he gets home, or just by cleaning the house in general. I love when my husband calls and asks if I need anything from the store before he comes home so I don’t have to go out and get it. These actions make life easier for the other person.

Physical Touch

This can come in the form of things like holding hands, cuddling, or consented sex. Physical touch is such a strong form of communication and can really connect you to the other person. It’s also important to know if this is an issue for someone when it’s the least favorited love language, as it is such a strong form of communication, it can be too much for highly sensitive people.

Gifts

A pretty self explanatory language. This can be sending flowers, buying a treat, or sending something special to your loved one. Monetary values of gifts aren’t the indicator, but just giving a gift is a symbol of your love.

Quality Time

Quality time is spent when there is nothing that can rob your attention from your partner. This means limiting screen time and being actively engaged with your partner. An easy way to do this is going on walks without cellphones, doing a fun hobby together, or watching a movie together. It doesn’t need to be long (quantity), it just has to be meaningful time. Even 5 minutes of undivided attention can make a difference.