Hangxiety & opening up at the wrong time

“I feel great feeling hungover and I regret no decisions from last night,” said hardly anyone, ever… I’m sure there are a few good things that have come out of being drunk and crazy, but most of the time… let’s be real - it’s usually rAgrets all around.

Hangxiety is the term that I found in the book, Sober Girls Society by Millie Gooch, that stood for the anxiety you experience the day after drinking, when you're hungover.

It's about rethinking all of your stupid choices from the night before. If you're like me and you're already living with anxiety, hangxiety is like being in a constant anxiety attack for at least three days.

I have a tendency to dwell on all the things that I did when drunk me was in charge of making decisions. I always get nervous if I messed up and said something stupid, or if I did something stupid (like throwing up in a hotel lobby or in the street), or if I let my hallucinations take hold of me. I vaguely remember one time, Sean told me that I was crying out to my hallucinations. He only knew this because we named my hallucinations, and I was screaming the name out loud. This is already enough to get me thrown into an ER room for a psych evaluation and I hope to never be in that position again.

Everyone already knows I get super emotional when I'm drunk. My issue is which emotion is going to be strong enough to come out. Sometimes I get lucky and it's just happiness that comes out and the night goes well. Other times, it can be sadness or anger that comes out, and that's when I get myself into trouble... Or just trouble to handle because I'm crying too much.

I was just talking with someone about when you're drunk, you have a tendency to let your barrier down and become a different state of vulnerable. I hate that it takes alcohol for me to open up. I genuinely think that the best bonds are made when you're sober because it takes more strength to become vulnerable sober than it does with a little (or a lot) of liquid courage. So I'm just going to open up about some things that have been on my sober mind that come out when drunk me shows up.

I'm lonely. Lonely as fuck. I have my family, but it's so different when you have friends around you

I hate that I let my career/moving away distance me from people I loved the most

I am extremely envious of some of the strong bonds people have that I don't have

I wish I had the ability to make more friends, I feel like no one ever wants to hang out with me - I'm fun I swear

I constantly think no one wants to hang out with me because of what I write on my blog - people just think I'm bat shit crazy now

So now that you know some of the things I think about, do some of these things relate to you? Do you drink alcohol because it makes dealing with these things a little easier? It's easy to make friends and be the center of attention when you don't have a care in the world due to being drunk... but how fun is it really when you can't even remember the night? Do you ever feel awkward talking to the people the next day, or find you can't even open up to them the same way you did when you were drinking? Yeah... It's time to think Hangxiety over, because you've probably experienced it more than just a few times... Here's to hoping to never having hangxiety again if we can manage to keep this sobriety up. 

God, please comment on my posts so I know I’m not the only one in the world of Facebook or blogging that feels this way.

Blooming in sobriety.

"It was a vicious circle of hurting, and drinking to numb the pain, only to feel hungover and even emptier than the night before."

I can’t say that I’ve just now hit rock bottom, because if I said that, it would be a lie. I’ve hit rock bottom before, and clearly by a show of messages, a majority of my Instagram saw it on IG Live. I drank so much that day that I answered the door to the police and I laid down on my floor yelling I didn’t want to go to jail. They had to convince me I wasn’t being arrested for drinking in my own home, and that they were there to make sure I was safe. I should’ve taken that as a hint to stop drinking that day.

That’s the funny thing about my relationship with alcohol though… On days where I’m hurting the most is the days I crave it the most, knowing full well that I’ll end up on the floor somewhere, throwing up, or crying my heart out to someone who probably would rather be doing something else… or embarrassing myself on live broadcast so my boss sees how pathetic I am on my days off.

It took one more blackout in a hotel, throwing up in a lobby restroom, and shoving a plastic bag over my head to realize that my emotions and alcohol don’t mix well together… And for someone with a plethora of emotions, alcohol should be the last on my consumption list.

“The urge is so strong, and the voices just make it so much harder to resist the temptation".”

With all of that being said, I don’t drink heavily very often. I’ll have a glass of wine or two twice a week, maybe throw back some soju to celebrate something miniscule. But when I do drink heavy, it’s always a problem. I have an issue with moderation when feeling the long term effects of C-PTSD, and if I want to combat that issue, I think the best way is to cut it all out together. Remove the poison. Ergo, stop drinking altogether. It’s just hard when I have pretty severe hallucinations, that worsen with alcohol…

I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my family. Maverick doesn’t deserve to be raised by a mother who can’t control herself over a few shots of patron, and a few glasses of wine, and a few flutes of champagne… Honestly, he doesn’t need a mother who takes all of those together in a span of 6 hours. It’s already difficult for me to be a mother that suffers from mental health disabilities. Alcohol Use Disorder is the one thing that I can control. Well, try to control. Impulsivity is also a very strong aspect of my personality. It’s like my brain loves to be reckless when sadness ensues from emotional triggers. So here’s my pledge to be a better person overall.

I pledge to take control of my life and my emotions. I will do my best to abstain from drinking alcohol so that I can create a better life for myself and my family.

Urban Drama Romance Author: Aleita Kay

Aleita Kay is known for her urban drama romance novels, which is a very specialized category. Her writing is mostly about romance, but it includes the true grit of what goes on in urban America, specifically in African American culture. She draws her inspiration from everyone around her. “It could be the girl who took my Starbucks order, the boy who bagged my groceries, or the little girl playing Beyoncé just a tad bit too loud through her headphones. Life is inspiration.” said Aleita.

Aleita and Jack have known each other since the 7th grade. They met in Vilseck Middle School and became lifelong friends.

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How did you start writing?

“I’ve always been a writer. There wasn’t too many things I was good but writing , specifically story telling , had always come naturally. I can remember specifically the very first story I wrote. I was in third grade , living in Alaska and our class was prompted to write a story about a polar bear. That was the first time I remember my imagination just taking off and then by 5th grade I was writing in contests. Winning almost every one I entered Into and it’s been history ever since.”

How do you come up with your characters?

“I don’t exactly have a recipe of how I come up with my characters. 9/10 it’s on a whim. I can be sitting at breakfast with my husband and all of a sudden I’m like “ hey you know I think this kind of character would be dope” and a story evolves around that. I can say though, that these characters are written after my own heart. A little piece of who I am is in every character I write.”

“Life is inspiration.”

Who is your favorite character that you’ve written?

“Definitely Blue! When I was writing out Blues character there was just this instant connection I felt for what he’s gone through in his life but how he somehow still came out on top. Blue is the true picture of “Me vs Me” .. I have a feeling I’ll see blue again one way or another.”

Who are your favorite authors to read?

“I have a very broad spectrum of favorites when it comes to authors I love but Ashley Antionette. Ashley Nicole, and most recently Rae Lyse , a Texas based author like myself. They are my top 3 go-to authors when I’m looking for writing that I know is going to be an out of body experience.”

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Aleita has one full length novel For the Love of Harlem, and two short stories Roses in Winter and The Hustler’s Photograph. All can be purchased on Amazon for Kindle or hard copy. Aleita is working on another novel Stilettos & Slippers, which a snippet can be read in the back of The Hustler’s Photograph. Follow Aleita’s author page @aleitakaytheauthor, and her website listed here, and buy her work here.

Why do we think kids should "know better"?

I don’t understand. Adults constantly say shit like, “oh your kids should know better” when a kid is crying or having a tantrum. Um, NO KAREN, my kid does not know how to fully regulate his feelings in a way that we as adults do, so he is going to cry and throw a tantrum because that’s the only way he knows how.

SECONDLY, why do we insist on “beating they ass” when they do end up having a tantrum!? To scare them into not feeling their full emotions?! So they know fear instead of compassion?! Support your child through their crying and guide them through their emotions so they learn how to regulate and feel them without losing their minds. Jeeeeeeez.

My son was crying and my mom would tell him, “HEY stop crying, you want palo (spanking)?” I asked her to kindly not speak to my son like that, and she became defensive saying she was just playing around. Maybe to her it was playful, but to me, that kind of “playfulness” was not the way I wanted to talk to my kid. Even if it’s just saying you’re going to spank them, the threat is still there. The fear is still there. So no, I don’t support that either.

I see posts on Facebook about people saying they’d beat their kid if they threw a tantrum (cause it’s not natural, amirite? *rolls eyes) Or that their kid would know better (okay, have kids plz.)

crying at 3 am because I don't want to be a mom

The other night I woke up at my usual time (3 AM), and instead of forcing myself to lay in bed until I fell asleep again, I got up. I got up so I could read. I got up so I could journal. I got up because it’s the only time that Maverick is doing something where I don’t have to distract him, sleeping. But not this night. No, not this night. This night, Maverick had some major case of FOMO and decided he wanted to be WIDE AWAKE at 3 AM with mommy.

I lost my cool. I tried to feed him back to sleep and he wouldn’t even shut his eyes. “JUST GO TO SLEEP” I said sternly, as I shuffled him around my body to get him to go to sleep. Yelling at the baby wouldn’t make him go to sleep, I knew that… But I was frustrated. I get up at ungodly hours (literally the witching hour) to do stuff on my own, and I can’t even get that!

I was tired of being touched. I was tired of laying down doing nothing when Maverick was asleep. I was tired of being a parent. So I did the only thing I knew to do in that time, and that was cry. Cry until Sean woke up and took Maverick away from me. Cry until I felt better and calmed down. Cried until I realized Maverick didn’t have any sense in why I was crying…

Sometimes I don’t want to be a mom because it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do. But that doesn’t mean I can just delete my son out of my life (like some people), and just pretend like every thing is peachy keen. I get up and love him because that’s what he needs from me. I love him cause he doesn’t know better. And even though this shit is ROUGH - I’ll always be here for him because I WANTED him. He owes me nothing because he is MY SON. And it’s my job to take care of him. That’s my baby.

But seriously… some alone time as being JAKKI is nice too, not just a shower by myself and calling it self care.