The fork in the road when conflict is inevitable

“Conflict is a meeting place. It is a state of discomfort that reveals to me what I care about, what no longer feels acceptable, and the boundaries that need to be set... It is an opportunity to regenerate our relationships or allow them to come to an end. While communion is imperfect, moving through conflict shows us the core of our care.”

-Mimi Zhu

What it feels like when no one is listening to us

You know in the Goofy Movie, when Max is given charge of the map, and he has to make the decision on whether to go fishing or to the Powerline concert? Well, that’s the fork in the road that I’m talking about with conflict. As you can see, Goofy wasn’t too happy with Max’s decision, and it’s because Max lied to Goofy and made decision without him. There’s either communion where you come back together and work on a plan, or there’s separation, where it’s hard for both parties, but sometimes necessary. So let’s delve a little deeper into what conflict is before we get ahead of ourselves.

Conflict as stated in Webster’s dictionary, is a serious disagreement, usually protracted, meaning it’s more than just a lover’s quarrel. It’s not just a misunderstanding. It lasts longer, which allows you to sit in your feelings a little bit more to let them brew over and take hold of your entire being… You end up making harsh decisions like Goofy’s choice to drive off the cliff in previously noted GIF, (laugh, it’s good for you.)

Even though sometimes it may feel like you’re driving blind, there are good things that can come with conflict. As Mimi Zhu stated, it shows you what you truly care about. Most of the time when we’re in conflict, we end up saying, “I don’t even care anymore”. If you truly didn’t care anymore, than that wouldn’t give you a reason to be so angry. So take note that your extreme anger means that you care deeply about something with that person.

I wrote a blog a long time ago about “when it’s time to let go,” and it’s about conflict as well, but that’s past the fork that I’m talking about. Conflict, if done in a productive way where both parties are listening to understand, can end in communion and a stronger bond; if done in a way where both parties are feeling more emotion than logic, than it can end in a way where the bond is severed.

What to do when faced with conflict

So when you’re faced with conflict, remember that the best things you can do are to listen to understand, reply to articulate your thoughts but not to blame, and to try to come down your high horse if you think you’ve done nothing wrong.

1. Listening to reply means that you are letting the words and delivery get to you more than the meaning behind the words. Listening to understand means that you are trying to hear what the person is saying rather than how they’re saying it. Your partner is going to understand your body language more than they are your words if you come off aggressive, so keep that in mind too.

2. Replying to blame means that you didn’t listen to understand, but you’re pointing out their flaws more than you are understanding where they’re coming from. It’s all a part of active listening, which is a skill that needs to be learned. This also goes with body language, remain open, remain calm.

3. Being on a high horse like you’ve done nothing wrong is also blaming the other person more than accepting your own faults.

When to get a mediator

In conflict, it’s mostly misunderstanding which can be helped by mediator. If your conflict is too hard to manage without a mediator, I suggest getting a therapist or a friend who is able to be non-biased with you ~ your own personal Yoda. Don’t get someone like Pete from the Goofy movie who will put more bad biased thoughts in your head. A mediator is supposed to be able to understand both sides, and is supposed to be able to listen through the emotions and delivery to understand the words and the meaning. It’s hard to hear those things when you’re blinded with anger.

What to remember when you’re having a fight

If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be fighting so hard for that person to understand. You obviously care a lot. Conflict shows that. It’s probably just a misunderstanding, or sometimes, it’s more like someone having to change their ways and grow into someone else. But you have to be willing to be there for that growth and to help develop it. You may not know, but you may also have some of your own growing to do. Remember, like Mimi said, communion is imperfect. It won’t always be an easy road, but at least it’ll be the right road.

3 weeks being childless - the refresher we needed

Sean and I made the conscious decision to leave Maverick behind in Washington when we visited this past October. It was a last minute decision, but it didn’t go without us thinking through every detail we could. We decided to leave Maverick at home because we have to drive up from El Paso, Texas to Washington in a span of 6 days. Last time we did this roadtrip, Maverick got deathly ill with fevers hitting 105 degrees, which was a chain reaction to our past 2021 being spent at least 50% in the ER or admitted for fevers. We didn’t want that to happen again.

As much as we miss our baby boy, we were able to accomplish a lot during these first two weeks without him. Sean was able to certify in a UAS certification which most jobs are requiring in the civilian world. I was able to take some courses in lactation (this is the HARDEST for me to do!). We were able to rearrange the stuff in our storage to prep for our last big move! YAY! And I was able to decompress from my mental strains. See, I have a lot going on in my head, and every day is a battle against anxiety and depression for me. Maverick doesn’t always help my case, so being away from him helped me recenter myself.

Lastly, we were able to, most importantly, reconnect as partners rather than parents. It’s weird right? You wouldn’t think that we had to reconnect, but it turns out we did.

See, partners vs parents. They both have the same letters in them, but switched around, they mean such different things. Well, the relationship is different. You can be both, but Sean and I have been so engulfed in taking care of Maverick every day, that we let the partner side of things fall way behind the parent side of things. We forgot what it was like to hold hands, or kiss each other good night, or cuddle. Oh my gosh, cuddling with someone other than MJ! The thought! Hahaha!

We were able to reconnect and rekindle our love for each other. Not that we stopped loving each other, but we were able to appreciate each other’s value much more during this time. We spent time doing things that we wanted to do, which Maverick made it hard to do. So if you get the chance to take a few days away from your kiddos, and spend it with your partner, I’d recommend taking all of that time and spending it wisely. Don’t take it for granted. Because you never know when you’ll get another moment like this to appreciate each other. Sean does so much for our family, it’s nice to finally thank him for it.

I can’t wait to be holding my baby again soon, but in the mean time, I’ll hold my babes. Love you, Babe. Thank you. xx.

Why every couple should do marriage counseling or retreats

I could count how many times on one hand Sean and I have had an argument this year that turned into a full out brawl. Actually, I don’t really need to count because there hasn’t been one this year, thankfully. It’s almost November too (yay!) Sean and I have worked very hard on the relationship we have with each other. It’s not been a walk in the park the entire 6, almost 7 years we’ve been together. We’ve definitely had our share of arguments, but after attending couples therapy and a retreat, we’ve gotten a lot better at communicating our needs. Here are some great reasons why you should also take a step in that direction if you think your relationship needs some spice.

Counseling doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong, but it does help grow your relationship.

Learn each other’s love language

Do you know what your love language is? There’s a total of five different love languages, and everyone has their own. My love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I communicate best through words, I take words very seriously. I also like that Sean will clean up after himself (most of the time), and will help with chores around the house. I love that he especially helps with Maverick. Sean’s love language is Physical Touch and Gifts. He loves to give gifts, and he loves to hold hands and hug.

Though physical touch is my last love language (for personal reasons), I am still willing to fulfill Sean’s needs because it’s only fair that if he communicate in my love language, I communicate in his. We didn’t always see eye to eye before when it came to the way we love, so we were always wondering why nothing was ever getting through to the other. Now that we know, it’s been a lot easier to pat Sean on the head while listening to him tell me I’m pretty.

It’s important to have an equal give and take with communicating in love language. You can’t only communicate in one person’s language.

Open and honest communication is so important

When going through therapy, it’s important that you don’t hold anything back. If something is bothering you, than you should speak up about it in a cordial manner. Not one where you’re necessarily putting blame on your partner, but telling them how it effects you is important. It’s common sense, if you don’t speak up about it, they’ll never know. No one here reads minds, no one is a psychic (unless you are, then come see me in the comments), and no one can guess what you’re thinking. It’s not fair to say, “they should just know.” Because how would you feel if they said that to you? BE FAIR and OPEN UP. Give them a chance to right their wrongs, instead of blaming them for doing something annoying and they don’t even realize it’s annoying.

Non-bias point of view

Having a therapist there is perfect because they are the mediator for you and your partner. They have a non-bias opinion on both of your stances in the relationship, and they’re solely there to help guide your conversation. They’re able to spot faults in communication, and they’re able to help give you solutions on how to fix them. You should never try to make your therapist take your side over your partner’s because that would defeat the entire purpose of couple’s therapy.

Strengthening connections that are already there

Chances are that you and your partner already have so much in common. That’s probably the reason you’re together now! If you both like dancing, then go out dancing instead of staying in. If you’re both into food, then book yourself a nice 7-course meal and act like Michelin snobs at the restaurant, only to grab McDonald’s afterwards. If you’re lucky (HA) to be in the Army like us, there are programs such as Strong Bonds with the Chaplain that take couples on retreats to beautiful places. We were lucky to go to one in Korea, and we were able to stay at a 5 star hotel for free. They had classes on communication and love languages, and then the rest of the time was free to hang out. You should really look into it!

No matter what you decide to do, remembering that you are part of a team is the key to a successful relationship. Although it is important to maintain your identity and your individualism, you’re in a relationship to contribute to the growth of your partner and yourself. Good luck, and I hope this helps!

i guess it's time to talk about my relationship with my mom

Last night I had a nightmare that my mom was following me around the airport, and I was trying to get away. I was trying to tell the person I was with that, “I don’t talk to my mom, I need to get some space from her while we’re here.” And every time I would try to move away from her, my legs just kept shrinking, they wouldn’t work. I couldn’t move anywhere. My husband told me that I was freaking out telling him that my legs didn’t work (out loud while we were sleeping in bed).

My relationship with my mom is on and off, but I think I’m finally going to say it’s probably at it’s wits end and will be for awhile. There are a lot of things that we don’t agree on, and how I was treated during my childhood and young adult years is one of them. The treatment and befriending of the man who is my primary childhood trauma is also something we disagree on completely.

There. It’s out in the open. My mother is friends with my child molester, and says that it’s because she thought I had forgiven him a long time ago. She tried to put it in an email saying that I forgave him, but I will be the first to tell you, that NO, I have NOT forgiven him, nor will I EVER forgive him. So I will not be talking to my mother while she is still friends with said man-child.

It’s hard. It’s hard to know that she was willing to take herself out of my life and my child’s life for the sake of her pride. The first grandchild from her children, and she’s totally fine with removing herself from the photo. That’s really fucked me up. Did my mom ever care about me?

I used to ask myself this question a LOT last year. Last year I reached out to my mother because I tried to overdose in Korea. She left me on read. The next time she contacted me was when she accidentally “butt dialed” me when she was trying to call my dad. Then she proceeded to call me the petty one for being mad at her for not reaching out to me. She blamed me. She said she had her own things going on.

Did my mom ever care about me?

This woman already lost a child once. Is she immune to pain if she lost another one? Is that why she didn’t reach out to me to see if I was okay? Is that why he was swept under the rug?

She asked me in an email, “you’re a mother, what would you have done? Put yourself in my shoes… Did you expect me to show up across the ocean?!”

Yes, yes I did expect you to show up SOMEHOW. Fuck, a reply message maybe in the beginning? A CALL? Fuck, I don’t know. Make sure I’m not dead maybe? Nothing guys. This is the woman who will sell life insurance using my brother as a sob story, but won’t check in on her psychotic daughter when she says she needs help.

No wonder I’m so fucked up in the head. Cats outta the bag. I’ve been holding onto this too long and my heart can’t take it anymore.

Three years into our story: Happy Anniversary to us!

I can’t believe Sean and I have hit our 3-year mark already! Yesterday we celebrated our proposal anniversary. That’s right, Sean and I got engaged the night before our elopement. I love telling our elopement story because it’s so different from the traditional wedding; it’s so… us. And I love bringing these photos back up because to this day it is still my favorite set of photos. Forever grateful to one of my favorite photographers, Carolina, for capturing our first milestone as a couple.

Sean and I met in 2014 after I came back from LDAC. It was unexpected for me to fall so hard for Sean since I had just gotten myself out of a whirlwind of a relationship, and I had just found my footing again being myself. But there was something different about Sean that kept my attention, and it was probably the fact that he and I seemed to be the same person (for the most part, I’m definitely meaner than Sean is). Sean and I dated all throughout college. We were apart for some time because of his career and my school was on the other side of the state. When I graduated from nursing school, my career brought me halfway across the world to Europe. That’s how we found ourselves in Copenhagen, Denmark.

We had a very intimate ceremony at the Bryllupsalen in Copenhagen’s City Hall. It was just us, his parents, sister, and my mom… and my mom’s random friend. If I had to choose to have a traditional wedding, I’d choose a place with the same aesthetic as the Rådhuspladsen. Every moment of our elopement felt like it was in a fairy tale.

After our ceremony, we walked over to the Botanisk have (Botanical Garden) for our photos. When I saw this place online, I knew that it was where I wanted my photos taken with Sean. It was definitely the best way to capture our fairy tale elopement. What I loved about Copenhagen, is that on the entire walk to the garden, everyone was congratulating us on getting married. So it was like we had a giant wedding party of strangers throughout the entire day.

So where are we now?

Sean and I still ended up spending about 1.5 years apart after we got married. When it was time for him to move duty stations, I put in the paperwork to follow. I left my European dream early and moved to Korea. We were still apart in Korea by 4 hours (due to Seoul traffic) but it was better than being a hemisphere away. We were lucky enough to escape Korea, and move to good ole’ Texas together. We aren’t fans of living here, but we’re grateful that we are able to be together especially since we’ve started our little family here.

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Dear Babe,

I can’t believe that you and I have made it to three years! It doesn’t feel that long, but it also feels like we’ve been together for so much longer. The past 3 weeks, I’ve loved watching you learn how to be a daddy to Maverick. From the moment that you held him, it’s like we were complete. I know that there have been some trying times we’ve had together, but I’m so glad to know that we work as a team to get through it all. Building our temporary home in Texas has been so much fun, especially since we finally have just one household. This upcoming year is going to be crazy together as we learn our new roles as parents, but I can’t wait to see where it takes us. I love you so much! Maverick and I are lucky to have you in our lives.

Love, Jakki