The last thing you are is alone; help end the stigma

I have been posting a lot more lately, and what I’ve recognized is that there are so many people out there that feel the way that I do. It really sucks to know that so many of my friends are also experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, and self-doubt. It hurts me so much to know that. But here’s the thing, we can build community in all of this. You need to know that you are not alone, and it’s proven through those who like my posts and those who have the bravery to comment their feelings and thoughts. So if there’s so many of us that experience these things, then why is there such a great stigma? I don’t know either. I know that there are some things that we should stop joking about and saying to each other though, and here are some examples.

“Everyone has bad days, you’ll have better a better day tomorrow”

Having a mental illness is more than just being sad or angry or feeling a passing sense of anxiety. It’s an imbalance of brain chemistry that requires therapy and/or medication for the person to feel a sense of normalcy. It leaves people at a higher risk for physical manifestations like tachycardia, high blood pressure, panic attacks, and even suicidal ideations. It’s more than just a bad day; every day is a battle.

“All you need to do is be positive”

I’ve already said my piece on toxic positivity and how it isn’t helpful or conducive to those going through therapy. It’s more than just having a positive outlook. Sometimes you can’t help but feel the dread of life weighing down on your entire body. It’s feeling hopeless that nothing can get better. It’s feeling guilty knowing you’re “so blessed” but you still feel this way. The symptoms can be debilitating and a positive outlook won’t change that.

“Did you forget to take your meds today?”

I wish someone would say this to me, but in a way where they’re genuinely concerned that I forgot to take my medications. I take a total of 5 medications, 3 of which I am maxed out on dosage. Psychiatric medications are nothing to be joked about since they are carefully monitored when given. They can’t be stopped cold turkey, since the pain of withdrawal and being sent into a downward spiral are so high. They can be a lifesaver to those who are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other forms of mental illness, and should only be used by those who are seeing a provider.

“Why are you always so stressed/anxious?”

It’s not that we want to be stressed and anxious, we have no choice to be this way. Anxiety and anxiety disorder are so different. Healthy anxiety can be a response to an issue that arises but is quickly resolved with logical thinking and reasonable support/solutions. Anxiety disorder is something that you live with constantly. It shows up in things like obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks, C/PTSD, and other disorders. It’s something that can only be helped by therapy and medication use.

“You aren’t strong/You’ve got to be stronger”

WOW. NO. Just DON’T EVER think that you are weaker than people because you are suffering from a mental illness. Mental illness does not discriminate on who it effects. As proven through those who are successful like good ol’ Robin Williams (rip) who have committed suicide. It does not mean that you are weak. It means you are strong enough for being able to endure such hardships and still get through life. It means you are able to reach out for help when you know you need it. And even if you haven’t reached out for help yet, you’re strong enough to still be here. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can’t help, and for you to be here still, I commend you friend.

Getting a routine set for success

Some people may wonder how Sean and I are able to do so much with our time, and it’s honestly because we have a schedule. Before Maverick, Sean and I basically did our own things around the house, and whatever we needed to split, we’d split right down the middle. Now that we have Maverick, a routine has been the one thing keeping us together. You don’t need a kid to get a routine down though. Routines just help you keep track of your time to best manage whatever it is you have to do. So here are some tips on figuring out what kind of routine is best for you.

Know when you work best, whether you’re an early bird or a night owl

I know that most blogs will tell you that successful get up at the ass crack of dawn to do things, and personally, that’s what I do. But that’s not everyone! Sometimes people work and focus better at night, and that’s just natural for them. There’s no point in fighting the inevitable and trying to switch yourself to a morning person if you really like the stillness of the night. Find out what kind of person you are, and settle your routine that way. You’ll find that you’re way more productive if you stick to what’s natural for you.

Plan out your week and stick to it

Something I’ve started doing is planning out my days on Google Calendar and using a physical planner as well. This helps put things into perspective about what events I have going on that I can’t miss, and I can plan around that. This goes along with chores like doing laundry, house cleaning, and running errands. Sean and I have a white board on our fridge that has things that need to get done or things that need to get bought, and we’ll knock them out throughout the week when we make time for it. But seeing things in front of you helps keep you on track of your day, instead of just going about it mindlessly.

Pencil in times to exercise, even if it’s just for a 45-minute walk

Something that we try to stick to is going to the gym every afternoon, or at least getting in a 45-minute walk to have some mindful movement throughout our day. Mindful movement is good to keep your health in check and boost your immune system. It’s also shown to help refocus you when you’re doing movements that require both sides of your body to be coordinated, like walking. It’ll help connect both sides of your brain so you can think more clearly. Crazy, right?

Try to keep a balanced diet by eating at home, rather than fast food

It’s so important to try and have a balanced diet that you’re mostly cooking at home because it makes sure you’re getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need. Also, having fast food too many times throughout the week will lead to weight gain and sluggishness. Let’s be real, who has wanted to take a nap after eating a meal from McDonalds? I hate feeling the sluggishness after ingesting something that’s just packed with oil, and it just makes me feel icky.

Get good at saying no to things you can’t handle at that time

Something that I used to do was take on a lot of project leads, get involved in a lot of organizations, volunteer my time, etc. I was stretched so thin between those things and my personal life of marathon training, body building, and family time. There wasn’t any time to just sit down to wind down from the day and relax. So I started putting my foot down and saying no. Since I’ve started saying no to joining organizations and doing projects, I’ve had enough time to do things I’m passionate about like my blog, photography, and spending quality time with my son.

Cut the booze intake

Now I’m not saying you have to abstain from booze all together, but cutting out a few drinks can surprisingly help you focus more. Ingesting too much alcohol can lead to frequent headaches, fatigue, sluggishness, and everything else that comes with the hangovers, including wasted time. Cutting out booze can help boost your self-confidence, give you more energy and focus, and improve your overall health. So this holiday season, try to take it easy on the booze at the Christmas parties. That way when Christmas morning and New Years Day comes, you’ll be able to get up early and actually enjoy the day with family.

Holiday triggers and how to cope

It’s the happiest and merriest time of the year, so why is my anxiety through the roof? Have you ever asked yourself this when those “-ber” months come around? You know, September, October, November, December. In the Philippines, the -ber months are considered the Christmas holidays, just for those who didn’t know, lol.

But if you’ve been this person who gets more anxious during the holidays, it could be from anything that triggers you to remember a traumatic memory, or the anxiety of reuniting with people who have hurt you emotionally, physically, or mentally. These can exacerbate emotions that you used to be able to control throughout the year. They can also give you physical symptoms of anxiety such as racing heart, high blood pressure, dizziness, or even nausea. Either way, there are exercise you can do to practice controlling your emotions and reactions to these triggers.

What are some things that can be triggering during the holidays?

Booze

Did you know that alcohol consumption is almost 70% higher in the last two weeks of December than the rest of the year? Isn’t that some wild statistic? But that comes to no surprise. As merry and gay as everything is, alcohol is a top item to be gifted during the holidays. Whether it’s in an actual gift, or bringing it to a house party. The infamous eggnog, gluhwein, and champagne make their appearance throughout the months of November and December. It’s hard to escape, and the peer pressure to drink is heavy.

Food

There’s no mistake that starting the holidays with one of the most glutinous days, Thanksgiving, makes it hard for those who are in recovery for an eating disorder. Booze isn’t the only thing that increases during these festive months. Cookies, pies, cakes, and other desserts make their appearance, along with other fatty foods. Recovery is hard when you’re pressured to eat more. It’s even harder when you have your old aunt Karen breathing down your neck on how fat or how skinny you’ve gotten since she last saw you. A tip this holiday season is to just not comment on anyone’s weight. Mind ya business, or I’ll eat you.

Loss or Loneliness

I’ve definitely felt the pain of missing a loved one on Christmas day. The first Christmas I spent without my brother, and the first Christmas I spent without my best friend Jacob. Whether you’re suffering from depression due to the loss of a loved one, or simply because you can’t be with family this holiday season… it can be rough. The best way I’ve combatted this is celebrating in their honor if they’ve passed. And there is always Skype when you’re a world away from each other.

Family

Sometimes we move away from home to get away from certain family members. And sometimes the holidays bring us back because we want to see only certain family members, so we put up with the ones we don’t want to see. Sometimes history of abuse can effect how your holidays go as well because of past memories. Research actually shows that sometimes people miss their abusers due to good memories of the holidays, and they forget about the abuse. Tell me that isn’t triggering!

How to handle the situations

Prepare yourself and identify your triggers

Ask yourself “what is it about the holidays that hurt you so much, and are there ways that you can possibly avoid it all together?” If not, make a small list of grounding skills that you can practice when you get too anxious. It can be particularly difficult to avoid all of your triggers when in America; the holidays seem to throw up everywhere with it’s songs, Christmas lights, holiday scents, foods, etc. If you’re riddled with anxiety, you’re almost likely to experience sensory overload as well. This all can be overwhelming. This is why grounding skills can be so important during the holidays. Whether it’s wearing ear buds to listen to your own music, using the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, or having to splash water on your face to bring yourself back to center, do whatever works for you.

Set boundaries for yourself and others and stick to them

You are in charge of your holiday season, remember that. You get to decide who you see and who you don’t see. You get to decide which parties you want to attend, and when you want to leave those parties. You can set the standard for yourself if you feel safe to do so with your loved ones. Or if you don’t feel comfortable in telling your entire family, entrust someone with what your boundaries are so they can help you navigate the event. Whether that’s not being offered any alcohol, bringing up memories that are hurtful to you, or asking about your weight, you are allowed to have boundaries. And remember, you’re always allowed to leave if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and unheard.

Talk with your friends or your therapists to keep you grounded

Although holiday travel is common, that doesn’t mean your friends or your therapist can’t be reached. Luckily, in today’s age, friends are available at your fingertips via text. It probably wouldn’t be best to ring your therapist every 5 minutes during the holidays, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do a quick check in with them to practice some quick grounding techniques.

How therapy changed my life: A delve into my sorrows

I started therapy when I was a college student. I had gotten into an altercation with my roommate that caused her to move out. I had broken a door and punched a hole into the wall. I was an angry mess when I was younger. My issues always caused people to distance themselves from me. I had a lot of self-doubt and suicidal ideations when I was younger as well. My brother and best friend had committed suicide, I had moved a world away from my family, and I had no friends stateside.

I threw myself at boyfriends to gain some self-confidence which didn’t help me out. I got into physical altercations with some of my exes, that lead to heartbreak and even more self-doubt. I was cheated on multiple times, and each time I met the girl, it was harder for me to understand what the problem was: me. I was the problem for myself, always putting myself in situations that were undeniably toxic. I kept going back to the same guy even though he had physically dragged me out of our apartment because I was texting a guy about school. He was the guy that told me I was not ladylike enough and that I was lucky to have him. It was stupidity that lead me down that path. Blindness, ignorance, whatever it is that you want to call it. I got caught up in binge drinking and drugs that I shouldn’t have been taking just to take the edge off of me.

I’ve been beaten. I’ve been sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by boyfriends and even someone that was supposed to be considered family. I’ve been mistreated and I’ve been down some rough paths that I wish I hadn’t gone down. I’ve been stalked, my medical records have been breached before. I’ve worried about my security, my safety, my son. I’ve even had to fight myself from hurting myself, my husband, and even my son.

All of this is why I got into therapy. Therapy helped get me out of these situations, and now I’m in a much better situation with my best friend, Sean, that helps me through everything. You don’t have to be like me where you post your entire life online, but you can seek therapy in confidence. Most benefit plans cover you to seek therapy, and if not, then there’s always things like Better Help or Doctors on Demand that you can pay for out of pocket. I know it’s a jump to say that everyone has the money to seek therapy, but there are so many other resources out there. I’ll try to list some later after some research of my own.

As many of you know, I’ve gone through Intensive Outpatient Psychotherapy. I was admitted to that for almost 6 months. I was also admitted to the inpatient unit twice for postpartum psychosis and once for suicidal ideation with intent. It took a long time for me to open up in therapy, but with the right therapist, and the right type of therapy, you can gain so much of your life back. You can work through the traumas that you’ve gone through, and you can work for a better future toward a better self.

It’s been a year and some change since I started intensive therapy, and I can say that I’ve gained so much of my independence back. There are still some things that I refuse to do alone, and there are times where I still lose my absolute shit, but I can say that I’ve come such a long way from last year. It helps me to know that I’m not alone with all of those who have been on this journey with me, and I thank you all for that. I thank you all for sticking through it with me, commenting, liking, and messaging me personally to say that my writing has helped you.

So here I am, a completely open book, ready to start a new chapter in my life as I transition out of the military. I’m ready to be a great mom, a great wife, and an even better friend. So, cheers to us. All of us. Because I’m bringing you all to the top with me.

To the ones who gave up on me; to the ones who left

I hope that you regret the day you gave up on me.
The day that I was too much crying, too much sobbing, too much energy.
The day I was too erratic, or ecstatic, or just plain bubbly.

You said I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t woman enough.
But here I am standing in my femininity,
Not because my hair is done, or my nails are did.
But because my values and my character can’t be hidden.

I can be loud and obnoxious.
I can be soft-spoken and shy.
I can be extroverted and friendly,
or I can be scared and just hide.

I feel so much energy, probably more than you do.
I carry the weight of so much burden,
to myself I try to stay true.

And I’m a little bit broken, and a little bit lost,
But with a little bit of patience,
I’ll be better,
No, I’m not a lost cause.

But no matter what I am, and no matter what I do.
I’m glad you left me,
Because I’m too good for you.

I found this in a journal of mine when we had to talk about our past and things that we regret. Look, I don’t write poetry, and I can agree that this was probably scribbled down while in a manic phase because that’s the only time I really write a lot. BUT - What I regret the most in my life was giving my time to people who didn’t deserve it. See, time is something you can’t get back, and once you’ve given it away, that’s it friend, it’s gone.

Well, it’s almost a new year, and I’m happy to say that I didn’t waste too much time on people this year. I spent a lot of my time reflecting on myself and what could make me a better person. I spent a lot of time assessing friendships and relationships that I already had, and debated a lot in my head on which ones were worth keeping and which ones were worth closing the book on. See, the thing is, all people grow, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow together. It can also mean you grow apart. That’s okay, that’s normal.

This poem was more so for the people who expected me to be different. The ones that were always expecting me to be strong and stoic; or the opposite, shy and scared. This is for the guys who wanted me to be more feminine and stand back on my views. This is for the “friends” who expected me to give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return, to include trust and honesty. This is for the “friends” that expected me to always be happy, when deep down all I wanted to do was feel my sadness.

I’m glad that I’ve surrounded myself with people who let me be 100% authentically me. I’m glad I have a following that supports my strive to end the stigma on mental health issues. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and there are others like me who also require a community.

This is my new years resolution: Continue to not waste too much time on people who expect me to be different than I am. Not waste time on being someone other than myself. Strive to be the best version of myself.