Why you’re not where you want to be right now

I have a lot of dreams and aspirations, and I feel like I want to put them into work this coming year. I want to have goals, things that I can attain and say, “hell yeah I did that!” So why am I not where I want to be right now?! Why are YOU not where you want to be right now?! Cause we got all the damn excuses in the world, and here are my four main ones.

The difference between dreams and goals is that you work towards a goal.

“I’ll do it tomorrow”

Procrastination never got me anywhere good. It’s like looking at your laundry pile up and saying “yeah I’ll get that done” until you realize you only have one pair of clean underwear left and you only have socks that are missing their pairs. For me, it’s when I say “I’ll water the plants tomorrow” and 3 weeks later, I’m wondering why my Swiss cheese plant isn’t looking so good. Well, it’s because it’s a desert in it’s pot, and it’s my fault for putting it off.

I always have 2-3 major tasks I want to complete in a day, and applying for school is always one of them. It’s always a “I’ll look into it tomorrow” or “this is going to take too much of my time to do the application process, so I’ll do it when I have more time.” It’s awful how I always bump that to the bottom of my list. I’m lucky that the school I want to apply to does rolling enrollments, because if it didn’t, I’d have to wait even longer to apply. I swear I’ll apply before the end of the year. (We’ll see.)

“I’m not ready yet”

Will you ever be ready? In college, I would study for the NCLEX before I even got into nursing school. I was reading ahead of all of my classes, even before I was in the class. I was the student who always liked to be prepared ahead of time. I’d say nerdy shit like “if I read it beforehand, it’ll just end up being a review in lecture.” Yeah, that was me, overly prepared. So you can imagine what I feel like now when I want to set a goal and I don’t even know what my goal is. How do you even prepare for stuff like that? I was never ready to be a mom, and I’ve learned to wing it literally every day of Maverick’s life. And he’s still going strong! Just goes to show that you really don’t need to be ready to make life decisions, you just need to be flexible and adapt well. And if you fail one day, you remain resilient the next day!

“There’s so much stuff going on, I can’t handle it” or “I don’t have enough time”

If you’re able to binge watch HBO Max, then you have enough time to do anything. If you have enough time to check your 4runner forum on Reddit for 45 minutes, you have enough time to clean your actual 4runner (yep, that’s directed toward my husband, FIGHT ME FOOL.) Just kidding, my husband’s car is always clean, thank the Lawd. But seriously, if you have enough time to scroll through Instagram, you have enough time to write a blog or read a chapter in a book. If you have enough time to send tweets (do people still do this?) then you have enough time to try that new recipe you’ve been eyeing. There’s always time, and the important thing is managing our time. Because studies show that busy people get shit done, and those without a schedule usually don’t. I mean, it’s obvious why right?

I know for me that when I have nothing planned, I take the day less seriously. I feel like I have all the time in the world, so I fill my time with useless things like window shopping on Chrome, or watching Reels on Insta. But when I have days where it’s packed tight with events, then I actually am more productive, and that’s because I dedicate time to things. Which is why being on terminal leave was so hard for me because my days were literally filled with nothingness.

SO GET OUT THERE & MAKE GOALS.

So are you going to make goals now, or are you going to wait until next year? Because next year is in 21 days, partner! So even if you’re trying to procrastinate, guess what, you can’t! Let’s not wait another 365 days to make moves. LET’S GET IT DONE TOGETHER.

Getting a routine set for success

Some people may wonder how Sean and I are able to do so much with our time, and it’s honestly because we have a schedule. Before Maverick, Sean and I basically did our own things around the house, and whatever we needed to split, we’d split right down the middle. Now that we have Maverick, a routine has been the one thing keeping us together. You don’t need a kid to get a routine down though. Routines just help you keep track of your time to best manage whatever it is you have to do. So here are some tips on figuring out what kind of routine is best for you.

Know when you work best, whether you’re an early bird or a night owl

I know that most blogs will tell you that successful get up at the ass crack of dawn to do things, and personally, that’s what I do. But that’s not everyone! Sometimes people work and focus better at night, and that’s just natural for them. There’s no point in fighting the inevitable and trying to switch yourself to a morning person if you really like the stillness of the night. Find out what kind of person you are, and settle your routine that way. You’ll find that you’re way more productive if you stick to what’s natural for you.

Plan out your week and stick to it

Something I’ve started doing is planning out my days on Google Calendar and using a physical planner as well. This helps put things into perspective about what events I have going on that I can’t miss, and I can plan around that. This goes along with chores like doing laundry, house cleaning, and running errands. Sean and I have a white board on our fridge that has things that need to get done or things that need to get bought, and we’ll knock them out throughout the week when we make time for it. But seeing things in front of you helps keep you on track of your day, instead of just going about it mindlessly.

Pencil in times to exercise, even if it’s just for a 45-minute walk

Something that we try to stick to is going to the gym every afternoon, or at least getting in a 45-minute walk to have some mindful movement throughout our day. Mindful movement is good to keep your health in check and boost your immune system. It’s also shown to help refocus you when you’re doing movements that require both sides of your body to be coordinated, like walking. It’ll help connect both sides of your brain so you can think more clearly. Crazy, right?

Try to keep a balanced diet by eating at home, rather than fast food

It’s so important to try and have a balanced diet that you’re mostly cooking at home because it makes sure you’re getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need. Also, having fast food too many times throughout the week will lead to weight gain and sluggishness. Let’s be real, who has wanted to take a nap after eating a meal from McDonalds? I hate feeling the sluggishness after ingesting something that’s just packed with oil, and it just makes me feel icky.

Get good at saying no to things you can’t handle at that time

Something that I used to do was take on a lot of project leads, get involved in a lot of organizations, volunteer my time, etc. I was stretched so thin between those things and my personal life of marathon training, body building, and family time. There wasn’t any time to just sit down to wind down from the day and relax. So I started putting my foot down and saying no. Since I’ve started saying no to joining organizations and doing projects, I’ve had enough time to do things I’m passionate about like my blog, photography, and spending quality time with my son.

Cut the booze intake

Now I’m not saying you have to abstain from booze all together, but cutting out a few drinks can surprisingly help you focus more. Ingesting too much alcohol can lead to frequent headaches, fatigue, sluggishness, and everything else that comes with the hangovers, including wasted time. Cutting out booze can help boost your self-confidence, give you more energy and focus, and improve your overall health. So this holiday season, try to take it easy on the booze at the Christmas parties. That way when Christmas morning and New Years Day comes, you’ll be able to get up early and actually enjoy the day with family.

They say it takes a village... so where the hell is this village?!

Isn’t it so frustrating to hear that? “It takes a village to…” so where the hell is this village? Where do I sign up and magically get one, because I kinda feel like I’ve been in this alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some people show up for me when I’m in dire need of some help, but where are people on the normal days?

Okay, let me try and make this post a little more relatable instead of it sounding like a bitch fest on why I don’t have any friends. Honestly though, I don’t have a lot of friends. I’m not exactly at the top of anyone’s list to being maid of honor right now. (Although, I am a bridesmaid for my girl Kenna, ayeee!) But in all honesty, do people just text each other day and night, every single day, or is that something that I’m making up in my head? Like I don’t actually consistently text anyone unless it’s Sean, and that’s usually about baby things.

An international women’s club that was located in Pyeongtaek, Korea. The love and friendship here made me so happy, they were so genuine with each other, and still are!

But I’m talking about sending memes, talking tsismis, and just overall talking in general… Do people do that still? I remember when I was younger, I’d wait until 9PM to talk to my friends because it was free. I remember always hopping on Yahoo! Messenger and MSN and AIM just to talk to my friends that I JUST saw before hopping on the school bus. Now it seems like a fear just to send a “hey how ya doin’ text?” just because I think I’ll be left on read. Which HAS happened, okay. Like it’s not just something I’m making up.

I find myself feeling so worthless when I’m left on read. I say something super nice like, “oh man, can’t wait to see you” and then nothing. Like ouch, burn. I don’t have much of a village. I have a crew of pirates, more or less. Sometimes they jump ship, sometimes they come back, it’s kind of a give and take sort of thing, ya know?

I’m not the type of girl that goes out on girls’ night out or sunday brunches. I’m not the girl that has the huge entourage at the club. I don’t have a besty bringing me starby’s while I’m at work and they’re on their day off. I don’t just go out and get a mani/pedi with my bff. Like, it just isn’t in my cards. So my question is, HOW DO I GET THAT IN MY CARDS?

Oh, before that though, I do want to thank all of those who have stood by my side through thick and thin, good and bad, and have seen me at my worst just to see me at my best. I love you all, truly.

End rant. This was a garbage post, I’m sorry. It’s just a brain dump of a dumpster fire of thoughts that make me so envious of people who have these kinds of relationships, and I’m absolutely livid that it’s not me. Okay, bye.

Hangxiety & opening up at the wrong time

“I feel great feeling hungover and I regret no decisions from last night,” said hardly anyone, ever… I’m sure there are a few good things that have come out of being drunk and crazy, but most of the time… let’s be real - it’s usually rAgrets all around.

Hangxiety is the term that I found in the book, Sober Girls Society by Millie Gooch, that stood for the anxiety you experience the day after drinking, when you're hungover.

It's about rethinking all of your stupid choices from the night before. If you're like me and you're already living with anxiety, hangxiety is like being in a constant anxiety attack for at least three days.

I have a tendency to dwell on all the things that I did when drunk me was in charge of making decisions. I always get nervous if I messed up and said something stupid, or if I did something stupid (like throwing up in a hotel lobby or in the street), or if I let my hallucinations take hold of me. I vaguely remember one time, Sean told me that I was crying out to my hallucinations. He only knew this because we named my hallucinations, and I was screaming the name out loud. This is already enough to get me thrown into an ER room for a psych evaluation and I hope to never be in that position again.

Everyone already knows I get super emotional when I'm drunk. My issue is which emotion is going to be strong enough to come out. Sometimes I get lucky and it's just happiness that comes out and the night goes well. Other times, it can be sadness or anger that comes out, and that's when I get myself into trouble... Or just trouble to handle because I'm crying too much.

I was just talking with someone about when you're drunk, you have a tendency to let your barrier down and become a different state of vulnerable. I hate that it takes alcohol for me to open up. I genuinely think that the best bonds are made when you're sober because it takes more strength to become vulnerable sober than it does with a little (or a lot) of liquid courage. So I'm just going to open up about some things that have been on my sober mind that come out when drunk me shows up.

I'm lonely. Lonely as fuck. I have my family, but it's so different when you have friends around you

I hate that I let my career/moving away distance me from people I loved the most

I am extremely envious of some of the strong bonds people have that I don't have

I wish I had the ability to make more friends, I feel like no one ever wants to hang out with me - I'm fun I swear

I constantly think no one wants to hang out with me because of what I write on my blog - people just think I'm bat shit crazy now

So now that you know some of the things I think about, do some of these things relate to you? Do you drink alcohol because it makes dealing with these things a little easier? It's easy to make friends and be the center of attention when you don't have a care in the world due to being drunk... but how fun is it really when you can't even remember the night? Do you ever feel awkward talking to the people the next day, or find you can't even open up to them the same way you did when you were drinking? Yeah... It's time to think Hangxiety over, because you've probably experienced it more than just a few times... Here's to hoping to never having hangxiety again if we can manage to keep this sobriety up. 

God, please comment on my posts so I know I’m not the only one in the world of Facebook or blogging that feels this way.

Blooming in sobriety.

"It was a vicious circle of hurting, and drinking to numb the pain, only to feel hungover and even emptier than the night before."

I can’t say that I’ve just now hit rock bottom, because if I said that, it would be a lie. I’ve hit rock bottom before, and clearly by a show of messages, a majority of my Instagram saw it on IG Live. I drank so much that day that I answered the door to the police and I laid down on my floor yelling I didn’t want to go to jail. They had to convince me I wasn’t being arrested for drinking in my own home, and that they were there to make sure I was safe. I should’ve taken that as a hint to stop drinking that day.

That’s the funny thing about my relationship with alcohol though… On days where I’m hurting the most is the days I crave it the most, knowing full well that I’ll end up on the floor somewhere, throwing up, or crying my heart out to someone who probably would rather be doing something else… or embarrassing myself on live broadcast so my boss sees how pathetic I am on my days off.

It took one more blackout in a hotel, throwing up in a lobby restroom, and shoving a plastic bag over my head to realize that my emotions and alcohol don’t mix well together… And for someone with a plethora of emotions, alcohol should be the last on my consumption list.

“The urge is so strong, and the voices just make it so much harder to resist the temptation".”

With all of that being said, I don’t drink heavily very often. I’ll have a glass of wine or two twice a week, maybe throw back some soju to celebrate something miniscule. But when I do drink heavy, it’s always a problem. I have an issue with moderation when feeling the long term effects of C-PTSD, and if I want to combat that issue, I think the best way is to cut it all out together. Remove the poison. Ergo, stop drinking altogether. It’s just hard when I have pretty severe hallucinations, that worsen with alcohol…

I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my family. Maverick doesn’t deserve to be raised by a mother who can’t control herself over a few shots of patron, and a few glasses of wine, and a few flutes of champagne… Honestly, he doesn’t need a mother who takes all of those together in a span of 6 hours. It’s already difficult for me to be a mother that suffers from mental health disabilities. Alcohol Use Disorder is the one thing that I can control. Well, try to control. Impulsivity is also a very strong aspect of my personality. It’s like my brain loves to be reckless when sadness ensues from emotional triggers. So here’s my pledge to be a better person overall.

I pledge to take control of my life and my emotions. I will do my best to abstain from drinking alcohol so that I can create a better life for myself and my family.