It's been awhile...

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything. It almost felt like I didn’t need to write anything down and I didn’t need to express what I felt through writing. But I won’t be letting myself go down that route again. I refuse to turn around and lose the progress I’ve made with my mental health. I did not fight my way out of depression through extensive treatments, medication changes, and ongoing therapy just to have a group of people kick me back down. I refuse.

I don’t even know how to write about anything yet, but I’ll find my voice again.

Be a better you in 2022

Mindful movement

It is so important to get our bodies moving for our health. Studies show that it boosts energy, creativity, and thinking when we do mindful movements such as structured exercise routines, running, or yoga. It also helps because doing movements that use both sides of your body require both sides of your brain to move, so you’re actually making strong connections while exercising. Weird right?

More conversations and connection

We’re so caught up in the digital world that it seems like the only conversations we have are the ones on Facebook in the comments section. Small talk is getting harder and harder to do, which makes connecting face to face even harder. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone and try to be the one that opens up conversations with strangers or people at work. Strengthen your connections, grow your community, increase your support. There’s no way that it can fail you!

Reflection journaling

One thing that I do like doing is blogging, obviously. It helps get emotions out and on paper, that way it’s not just bottled up inside. It doesn’t always have to be sad or angry emotions either. You can blog/journal about happy things to memorialize them forever. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk about your day to something that can’t judge you. And journal not to publish, but to just journal. That means not spending too much time proofreading and re-editing it. The best kinds of blogs are the ones that are written from the heart. Not this blog, this blog was planned. Lol.

Get a therapist

It is TIME for you to go therapy friend! Whether you think you have problems or not. There is so much going on in the world, that you should really find someone with a non-biased opinion to talk to about your life. Plus, there’s so many applications that make getting a therapist so easy, it’s literally at your fingertips. I personally use Doctors on Demand to talk with my therapist. I choose the time and date, who my therapist is, and what I want to talk about. I can have a quick session or an in-depth session. PLUS it’s covered by most insurances or benefits packages! LOOK INTO GETTING A THERAPIST.

Stop having problems with people who don’t care about you

The last thing you need to bring into 2022 is relationship problems with people you aren’t in a relationship with. If someone doesn’t care about losing you, then don’t give the power to tear you apart. What I’ve learned this year is to not waste time on people who wouldn’t spend a second thinking about my wellbeing, and neither should you. You’ll learn eventually who’s really there for you as a friend/family, and those who are only there to bask in your sunlight when they need the warmth.

Notice your internal reactions to things

This kind of goes with the point before this. Listen to your gut. Listen to your intuition. If someone makes you feel like you’re getting negative vibes, you’re most likely getting negative vibes. Stay away from the negative vibes. If your anxious and drained, take that into account. If you’re happy, excited, and full of joy to be around someone, then listen to that too. Then don’t feel bad about listening to your gut. You’re only protecting yourself.

Be open minded about criticism, not everyone is perfect or right all the time

Lastly, be open minded about what people say about you. When someone takes the time to tell you something they dislike about you and why, then take time to think about it. Not everyone is perfect, including the person telling you, but it could be something that you could improve on. For instance, if someone says they need some space and that you’re a little overbearing, then maybe it’s a nice reality check to take a step back and refocus on yourself. That only gives you the benefit of centering on yourself again. That doesn’t mean they dislike you, it just means that they don’t need as much communication as you do. Criticism goes both ways, so it’s always important to find a middle ground and compromise. But like I said - no one is perfect, not even you, not even me.

Homeless woman struck on I5 Northbound

That’s what I imagined the title would be if an article were written about her. I didn’t know her name. I didn’t know her background story. It wasn’t the kind of patient death I was used to. I typically know why my patients code, or why they pass. I usually know the background story of their life, and I get to know them. But this one hit me differently in the heart. I didn’t know a single thing about her. I don’t even know if she was homeless, but looking at her disheveled clothing and overall appearance, it was unlikely that she had access to a home.

It was my first day of work and I was driving on I5 North, right before Tukwila when I saw her body get struck by the van in front of me, and flip into the adjacent lane. Luckily no one else had hit or run her over. I pulled over as quickly as I could when I realized that it was not a jacket that flew out of a car. I ran back with my stethoscope to check on she was doing. I checked her heart rate, her pulse, and watched her take in agonal breaths. (death breathing).

Luckily someone pulled up with a first aid kid that had gloves, and I checked her body for any obvious wounds. The wound that I knew would cost her her life was the one directly to the back of her head where she struck concrete. Her hat laid next to her filled with gelatinous red goop. Her black messy hair tangled around the wound. It wasn’t looking like anything was going in her favor. I stayed with her while someone was on the phone with 911, awaiting paramedic and police arrival. Another nurse was with me watching her breathe. We kept yelling to “stay with us,” “it’s going to be okay.” I kept providing sternal rubs to try and keep her awake. Nothing came from her mouth except froth. I tried to check her capillary refill but her fingernails were so blackened, like she had been cold for so long. Every moment that passed, my heart broke a little more.

This woman with no name and no story was dying in front of me, surrounded by traffic instead of family. Surrounded by strangers and not friends. By the time I was handed a police report for my statement, the paramedics had secured her to a stretcher, and I watched her be taken away. I cried and I shook as I watched her leave. I would never know the outcome, but I knew deep down inside that it would be hard to bring her back from a head trauma that severe. Her pupils fixed and dilated. Gasping for breaths.

The image haunts me at night. The image plays in the back of my mind as I drive down the freeway. My eyes scan the street for where her blood was now washed away by the PNW rain. People say I was meant to be there in that specific moment, for her. Some people say that I could’ve been the thing between life and death. But the only thought I have left of her is her image and her blood stain on my white sweater. The only thing I have for her, is my prayers that wherever she is, she’s at peace, and hoping that all the people are right about her being okay.

Why you’re not where you want to be right now

I have a lot of dreams and aspirations, and I feel like I want to put them into work this coming year. I want to have goals, things that I can attain and say, “hell yeah I did that!” So why am I not where I want to be right now?! Why are YOU not where you want to be right now?! Cause we got all the damn excuses in the world, and here are my four main ones.

The difference between dreams and goals is that you work towards a goal.

“I’ll do it tomorrow”

Procrastination never got me anywhere good. It’s like looking at your laundry pile up and saying “yeah I’ll get that done” until you realize you only have one pair of clean underwear left and you only have socks that are missing their pairs. For me, it’s when I say “I’ll water the plants tomorrow” and 3 weeks later, I’m wondering why my Swiss cheese plant isn’t looking so good. Well, it’s because it’s a desert in it’s pot, and it’s my fault for putting it off.

I always have 2-3 major tasks I want to complete in a day, and applying for school is always one of them. It’s always a “I’ll look into it tomorrow” or “this is going to take too much of my time to do the application process, so I’ll do it when I have more time.” It’s awful how I always bump that to the bottom of my list. I’m lucky that the school I want to apply to does rolling enrollments, because if it didn’t, I’d have to wait even longer to apply. I swear I’ll apply before the end of the year. (We’ll see.)

“I’m not ready yet”

Will you ever be ready? In college, I would study for the NCLEX before I even got into nursing school. I was reading ahead of all of my classes, even before I was in the class. I was the student who always liked to be prepared ahead of time. I’d say nerdy shit like “if I read it beforehand, it’ll just end up being a review in lecture.” Yeah, that was me, overly prepared. So you can imagine what I feel like now when I want to set a goal and I don’t even know what my goal is. How do you even prepare for stuff like that? I was never ready to be a mom, and I’ve learned to wing it literally every day of Maverick’s life. And he’s still going strong! Just goes to show that you really don’t need to be ready to make life decisions, you just need to be flexible and adapt well. And if you fail one day, you remain resilient the next day!

“There’s so much stuff going on, I can’t handle it” or “I don’t have enough time”

If you’re able to binge watch HBO Max, then you have enough time to do anything. If you have enough time to check your 4runner forum on Reddit for 45 minutes, you have enough time to clean your actual 4runner (yep, that’s directed toward my husband, FIGHT ME FOOL.) Just kidding, my husband’s car is always clean, thank the Lawd. But seriously, if you have enough time to scroll through Instagram, you have enough time to write a blog or read a chapter in a book. If you have enough time to send tweets (do people still do this?) then you have enough time to try that new recipe you’ve been eyeing. There’s always time, and the important thing is managing our time. Because studies show that busy people get shit done, and those without a schedule usually don’t. I mean, it’s obvious why right?

I know for me that when I have nothing planned, I take the day less seriously. I feel like I have all the time in the world, so I fill my time with useless things like window shopping on Chrome, or watching Reels on Insta. But when I have days where it’s packed tight with events, then I actually am more productive, and that’s because I dedicate time to things. Which is why being on terminal leave was so hard for me because my days were literally filled with nothingness.

SO GET OUT THERE & MAKE GOALS.

So are you going to make goals now, or are you going to wait until next year? Because next year is in 21 days, partner! So even if you’re trying to procrastinate, guess what, you can’t! Let’s not wait another 365 days to make moves. LET’S GET IT DONE TOGETHER.

Traits of toxic people - people you should reconsider in 2021

I started this blog back in the end of last year when I was still in group therapy, and I’m going to revisit it. It all still applies too, while searching for healthy relationships, it’s important to maintain your boundaries on the toxic ones.

December 2020: It’s been awhile since I wrote in my blog, and it’s honestly because group therapy has been going well, but I also got readmitted to the psych unit this past week. I’m finding myself having to use more coping mechanisms more often. Luckily, I’ve been extended in group therapy, and I’m still getting the help that I need. With that being said, group isn’t always the easiest place to be. I’m in an environment where I become anxious and irritable because of who may be in the room with me. This is pushing me to actively cope throughout the day, which in return is absolutely draining. It’s teaching me to let go of people I thought I could consider good friends. I’ve had to examine every friendship I’ve had this year and choose who I keep close. So here are some of the traits that are a no-go for me for the year 2021.

My nervous system tells me that I am not comfortable around them

Usually when you have someone coming over to your house or you’re heading over to someone’s house, you get excited. That’s the normal reaction. You’re excited to see them and spend time with them. Too many times this year did I find myself more anxious to go to someone’s house than I was excited. I knew that there were so many things that were going to overstimulate me in the environment. I would come home more exhausted than I was refreshed. I felt more drained than anything. That’s not how you should leave a friend’s house. You shouldn’t feel more exhausted than you started. You shouldn’t be having tachycardia because you’re nervous. Listen to your nervous system. Literally, listen to your gut.

They spread negativity, not just to you, but to everyone

I had a friend who would never encourage me to do better or that everything was going to be okay. She would always tell me sad stories and mishaps that could happen, even though there was a slim chance of it actually happening. Instead of the normal, “if you need help, I’m here and I got you” talk, I’d get the, “Oh Jakki it only gets harder and you’re going to struggle and you better love every moment of it” talk. Which was super discouraging, and it made it seem like every moment I had coming up was going to be a miserable one. It was just extra draining to always try and take her negativity and make it into something positive. I’m not talking about toxic positivity, because of course having a little hardship is okay, but it was just not at all encouraging.

You catch them frequently lying

One thing that always threw me off with one of my ex-friends was that when I would talk to another friend, they’d hear about the same story, but with some pretty significant differences. I hated feeling like I was being lied to because stories never matched. Even small lies about things that didn’t matter. I think that’s a huge red flag. It’s okay to have a little white lie like if you don’t feel like hanging, you just say you have other plans, even if those other plans only include Netflix. But to lie about something like me not liking a friend or telling me to come an hour later to an event so I don’t see said friend, that’s not cool. This friend blatantly tried to keep me from forming a friendship with someone by telling me they didn’t want to hang out, but it backfired when me and that girl finally linked up and cleared the air.

You’re constantly giving and getting nothing in return

I don’t ask for much in return, but there is an expectation that everything I give will come back to me. When you have friends who are constantly mooching off of you, that isn’t okay either. Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you have to be their provider too. And it’s okay if you have the understanding that “I got it this time, you’ll get it next time,” but if it’s always you then that’s not cool. This also goes for honesty, just like the previous point I made when talking about lying. If you’re being honest and up front about everything, you should be able to expect that in return. Trust is a two way street, and that’s something that you should always maintain your boundary on.

They always play the victim - nothing is ever their fault, so they’ll never apologize

I used to have this friend that would always find a way to turn everything around and make it seem like they were the victim instead of the one in the wrong. This is the same friend that would lie about so much stuff, and when she got caught, she’d gaslight her way out of it. Gaslighting examples are like, “I’m sorry that you misunderstood the situation” or “you’re being unreasonable, it’s crazy of you to think that I would ever do that!” Gaslighting makes you think twice about what you’re saying and tries to change your perception of a situation. That’s not cool either. One thing I do like is when people take ownership of their mistakes and their faults and genuinely apologize for it. Because lets be real, toxic people will stop talking to you before they consider apologizing to you.