5 love languages that you should really know being in a relationship

How often do we find ourselves feel like we’re giving our all to our partner or children, and still feel like we aren’t getting the same love reciprocated? Our “love tank” may be fueled by our loved ones, but sometimes “it just isn’t enough”. Which in return, leaves us feeling a little empty. That’s probably because our love language is not being spoken to. According to Sunny Motamedi, a marriage and family therapist, there are five love languages that we can all naturally gravitate towards.

Words of Affirmation

This can be verbal communication like saying, “I love you and I appreciate you” every day, or nonverbal like written letters, texts, or nowadays, social media posts. Active listening by restating what they’ve said to show you are understanding them can also be a great way to reassure them that you’re there for them.

Acts of Service

This is one of the ways I like to communicate my love. I try to make life easier for my husband by doing housework like making sure he has clean clothes, having food ready for when he gets home, or just by cleaning the house in general. I love when my husband calls and asks if I need anything from the store before he comes home so I don’t have to go out and get it. These actions make life easier for the other person.

Physical Touch

This can come in the form of things like holding hands, cuddling, or consented sex. Physical touch is such a strong form of communication and can really connect you to the other person. It’s also important to know if this is an issue for someone when it’s the least favorited love language, as it is such a strong form of communication, it can be too much for highly sensitive people.

Gifts

A pretty self explanatory language. This can be sending flowers, buying a treat, or sending something special to your loved one. Monetary values of gifts aren’t the indicator, but just giving a gift is a symbol of your love.

Quality Time

Quality time is spent when there is nothing that can rob your attention from your partner. This means limiting screen time and being actively engaged with your partner. An easy way to do this is going on walks without cellphones, doing a fun hobby together, or watching a movie together. It doesn’t need to be long (quantity), it just has to be meaningful time. Even 5 minutes of undivided attention can make a difference.

Let go and just be

After spending so much time in the hospital with my son this year, there are a few things that I just really feel I need to let go of. These things are important, but not so important that they rule my life in a way where it completely drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to find balance in my life so I can progress in all areas, without striving for absolute perfection.

My body image

I’ve already gone into why I want to let this go. I have terrible eating habits, and I always put myself down for missing workouts, not walking enough, being sedentary… I binge, I purge. I restrict, and still purge. My eating habits are not healthy. I haven’t come to terms with my new postpartum body. I always feel the need to suck in my stomach and hide it, even when no one is around. I calculate calories in my head and compare them to my watch’s “burned calorie counter”. All unhealthy habits because I obsess over them. I waste so much time in my day just thinking about food, when I could just be enjoying the moments with my boys.

Being the “perfect parent” and “trophy wife”

Social media makes it really hard on your every day moms and wives. After spending so much time scrolling through Instagram and every perfect Montessori Momma page or every Housekeeping Fashionista page of well-kept women, I can’t help but feel like I’m falling short on my duties as a mom and wife. I guess the biggest thing that I need to remember is that social media is usually the best parts of your day. Just snippets of people’s lives, and they always choose the best parts to show. Which is why I started Okami & Company… I wanted to showcase my real life - the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly parts of life. I have to remember my “why".

Being a hustler in life

To Hell with the Hustle. I remember when I first read this book. We’re so caught up in society’s “go, go, go” mentality, that we rarely take the time to just let go and just be. This year with Maverick’s hospitalizations, I’ve definitely let go of the work hard, play hard mentality. I’ve forced myself to slow down sometimes. It’s been extremely hard to put my career on the back burner and take care of myself and my son, but since I’ve done that… life has actually gotten a lot better. I appreciate the little things a lot more, like just watching my son play. I value sleep and rest - WITHOUT having to say, “I did this task, now I deserve rest.” You ALWAYS deserve rest, no matter what tasks you do or don’t complete. So just let go, and just be for once.

Things NOT to say to someone grieving a suicide, or anything really

It’s hard to take in that someone has passed away. Its even harder to try and console someone that was close to that person in the right way. 14 years of my grieving for my brother and grandfather, and 11 years of grieving my best friend. Every year, someone says something to me that is off putting even though they’ve got only good intentions. It’s hard, I know. So here are some things that I personally have not liked hearing. Sometimes when you know why its hard to hear something, you think twice about saying it again.

Everything happens for a reason

What are those reasons? The reason for my brother and my best friend? Depression. Feeling alone and unsupported. Thank you for reminding me that there were things I could have done to be there for them, but I failed them.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Are you saying that the person who passed wasn’t strong enough? Are you calling them weak because they couldn’t handle it? How moronic is it to say this to someone when they’ve lost someone to suicide?

God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle

Why would God give me this kind of pain? If he doesn’t give people something they can’t handle, then what on Earth did he give my brother and best friend now that they’re gone? Always be careful with religion. When grieving over suicide, religion and spirituality can be a very tricky topic to discuss. Especially since most religions state that committing suicide is a sin.

Time heals everything

This dismisses their feelings right now. When you’re grieving, it’s hard to see the end point of grieving. I’ve been grieving for 14 years and every year it still feels fresh. How long does one have to wait to accept a suicide or finally get over it?

New one: You have to be strong for your child

I dislike when someone tells me I have to be strong for my family or for my son, simply because it dismisses me as a person. Why can’t I just have this moment to be weak and vulnerable? Why does society place the pressure of being stoic and strong? Why can’t we have a moment of weakness? Also, this is usually accompanied with the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Which is even more annoying, tbh.

WEAR THE DAMN BIKINI

Most of the time, I hate exposing myself. Most of the time, I’m not comfortable in my body. All of the time, I’m worried about how I look. And damn, is it exhausting.

I used to spend no less than 3 hours at the gym before. I’d do cardio. I’d lift weights. I’d work my core till I could barely stand up. I measured my worth by how small my waist was, and whether or not I could fit myself into a size 2 pair of jeans. The number on the scale determined the amount of calories I ate for the week, and I’d say “it’s just water weight” and cut back on water to satisfy myself with how heavy I “really” was. I ran marathon races because running was the fastest way to drop unnecessary pounds around my gut, and I lifted weights because it was socially acceptable to diet if you were a lifter.

Why is that? Why is pushing ourselves to challenging diets okay only if we’re working out? “FuElinG my b0dY f0r hEaLth.” When does it become an eating disorder? Where do you draw the line? I used to purge when I was barely a pound over the weight I wanted to be. Everyone applauded me for being so disciplined with my macros, and even then, I never felt good enough. Then I got pregnant with Maverick, and Lawd help me with what I thought (and still think) about my body now.

The extra skin that folds over when I sit down, when it used to be so tight. The extra cellulite on my legs when I’m not flexed. The extra love that is constricted by my high waisted jeans because I’m too embarrassed to admit I have a postpartum body. I gave birth to a human. My body was adored for growing this human, and now, I scorn at it when I pass by a mirror after I shower. My heart pounds when I step on the scale (especially this week since I gained +4 pounds). I suck in my stomach to feel smaller, even though no one sees beneath my extra large t-shirts.

So this past weekend, I decided to challenge myself. I wore the damn bikini and decided to try my hardest not thinking about my body and what I looked like. I tried my hardest to be present with who I was with, and I tried my hardest to feel good about myself in clothes that didn’t hide me. And honestly…

It felt fucking great. I ate great food. I didn’t hold back on treats. I drank merrily with my family. And even though I’m back in the mindset of wanting to get smaller (it’s a hard mindset to escape for very long), I’m happy I was able to enjoy my time.

Here’s to trying to overcome diet culture and self-loathing behaviors. Here’s to trying to have confidence in myself because I’m a damn good person, and none of that is measured by my waist line or my weight. Here’s to putting on the damn bikini and enjoying life, because my son doesn’t care what his momma looks like… he cares about her being present and engaged. So PUT ON THE DAMN BIKINI GIRL.

my son's a vip, "very immunocompromised person"

This past weekend, my son was admitted for high fevers again and they just wanted to do observation to make sure he didn’t have a seizure. This is the third time since April that he’s been admitted. All of this started back in December. We don’t know why we have a sick baby, but we do, and it’s tough.

Today I thought we were going to walk out of his appointment with a, “his WBCs look great! We’ll just monitor every other week or so to make sure it stays that way.” But we didn’t. Instead, we end up leaving with a VIP card and two lab draws per week until his next follow up. You don’t know how mad this makes me as a mom to know that some random doctor told me that his WBCs were good this weekend, and all of a sudden, my son’s got severe neutropenia and can cut the ER line with this VIP card? It makes me furious that they even released him from the hospital. To be fair, we were scolded for bringing him to the wrong Children’s hospital…

Now I see why…

This makes me feel like an inadequate parent sometimes. Way to make it about yourself, Jakki. I know, I know… I feel awful even saying it honestly, but it’s the truth! When Maverick is sick and I’m helpless, it’s hard to sit there and watch him go through it. It’s hard to watch him get poked and it’s hard to watch him be uncomfortable… I do appreciate everyone that tells me I’m some stellar mom for being able to support Maverick through all of it, but it doesn’t feel stellar.

I never thought that I’d have the kid that went through all of this treatment. It’s almost as if I were living in a movie, and every time we find out not-so-good news, it’s like a new plot twist episode. Sometimes it feels surreal that this is all happening. Like someone is playing a fucking joke on us… I know, weird.

But alas, here I am at 2 AM, researching viral infections that can suppress your immune system for months and cause severe neutropenia. Here I am researching CMV, EBV, HHV, all the hepatitis, and really not coming up with an answer. Nothing fits Maverick’s case yet, and it’s got me more worried. I probably should’ve just let the doctors do all the work… But I’m a nurse, and right now, the only person I’m interested in being a nurse for is my son.