WEAR THE DAMN BIKINI

Most of the time, I hate exposing myself. Most of the time, I’m not comfortable in my body. All of the time, I’m worried about how I look. And damn, is it exhausting.

I used to spend no less than 3 hours at the gym before. I’d do cardio. I’d lift weights. I’d work my core till I could barely stand up. I measured my worth by how small my waist was, and whether or not I could fit myself into a size 2 pair of jeans. The number on the scale determined the amount of calories I ate for the week, and I’d say “it’s just water weight” and cut back on water to satisfy myself with how heavy I “really” was. I ran marathon races because running was the fastest way to drop unnecessary pounds around my gut, and I lifted weights because it was socially acceptable to diet if you were a lifter.

Why is that? Why is pushing ourselves to challenging diets okay only if we’re working out? “FuElinG my b0dY f0r hEaLth.” When does it become an eating disorder? Where do you draw the line? I used to purge when I was barely a pound over the weight I wanted to be. Everyone applauded me for being so disciplined with my macros, and even then, I never felt good enough. Then I got pregnant with Maverick, and Lawd help me with what I thought (and still think) about my body now.

The extra skin that folds over when I sit down, when it used to be so tight. The extra cellulite on my legs when I’m not flexed. The extra love that is constricted by my high waisted jeans because I’m too embarrassed to admit I have a postpartum body. I gave birth to a human. My body was adored for growing this human, and now, I scorn at it when I pass by a mirror after I shower. My heart pounds when I step on the scale (especially this week since I gained +4 pounds). I suck in my stomach to feel smaller, even though no one sees beneath my extra large t-shirts.

So this past weekend, I decided to challenge myself. I wore the damn bikini and decided to try my hardest not thinking about my body and what I looked like. I tried my hardest to be present with who I was with, and I tried my hardest to feel good about myself in clothes that didn’t hide me. And honestly…

It felt fucking great. I ate great food. I didn’t hold back on treats. I drank merrily with my family. And even though I’m back in the mindset of wanting to get smaller (it’s a hard mindset to escape for very long), I’m happy I was able to enjoy my time.

Here’s to trying to overcome diet culture and self-loathing behaviors. Here’s to trying to have confidence in myself because I’m a damn good person, and none of that is measured by my waist line or my weight. Here’s to putting on the damn bikini and enjoying life, because my son doesn’t care what his momma looks like… he cares about her being present and engaged. So PUT ON THE DAMN BIKINI GIRL.

Why children are more resilient than their parents

I’d be lying if I said I was doing better than my son right now, especially with all that’s been going on. To catch everyone up, my son has been admitted to the hospital twice now this year with severe neutropenia. (Neutropenia is an abnormally low count of the white blood cell neutrophils, that fight infection). It seems like the longest we’ve gone between ER/Urgent Care visits is 2.5 weeks. This all started in December on our trip back to Washington, and the fun hasn’t stopped yet.

Even though he has been the one receiving the treatment, it seems like I’m the one that’s super stressed about it. Even though I have taken care of sick kids before as a nurse, it’s definitely different when it’s your child. Maverick on the other hand is happy he gets chicken nuggets, doesn’t go to daycare, and gets to spend the day with mommy and daddy. I also think he likes that he gets dessert with literally every meal (okay, my kid LOVES jello and whipped cream apparently).

Kids are so resilient. Whatever is happening to them, it’s just in that moment. They don’t foresee the future yet and the long treatment plan ahead. When a provider says “I’m done”, it really means they’re done… until next time. Seeing my kid’s resiliency makes me want to be more of a fighter myself. Not just for me, but for him. If he can get through it, why can’t I? I mean, I’m not the one with the needles stabbing me, I’m just the one reassuring that it’ll be okay. So Mav, mommy’s going to fight for you since you’re fighting for all of us.

Raising a strong boy

Today is an important day for me as a mother! I think that the way I want to raise Maverick is a little different than how I was brought up. I definitely want to be part of his life and be way more involved than my parents were with mine. This is actually one of the big reasons I decided to leave the Army. Being present in my child’s life is so important to me, especially in these early years of attachment.

Research shows that the attachment styles that a child has when they’re at a very young age are the attachment styles they’ll have in future relationships. So I want to make sure that Maverick has a secure attachment style growing up. I’ve seen it in myself as having an anxious attachment style (up until Sean) because my parents weren’t around often. Actually, they left me in the Philippines with my Lola (grandmother), so I mean… lol.

I also want to raise Maverick to be independent in his thinking and problem solving skills. Instead of scolding him for doing something bad, I want him to be able to fix the problem or think through why it happened. Honestly, he is still very young and babbles most of the time… but if Sean and I start using the appropriate language now, it’ll be easier for him to understand when he does start talking. Vocabulary is important!

Maverick and I cuddle a lot. I do believe that Maverick’s love language is physical touch. He hates being away from me, and even when he is playing, he comes back to hug me (awww.) So that tells me a lot on how I need to comfort him and how I need to change how I speak with him when he does something less than pleasant.

How are you doing in your parenting realm? Whether it’s with babies or fur babies?

Jumping into parenthood: finally a party of just 3

We were really fortunate to have so much help from Sean’s parents last year. Due to COVID, my MIL and FIL’s stay was thoroughly extended to 9.5 months of help. This benefited us in being able to keep Maverick from enrolling into daycare at what seemed to be the faux-height of the pandemic. It also helped me a lot when I became anxious and stressed and sank into postpartum depression multiple times throughout the year. Now that we’ve welcomed a cousin into the picture, we have had to pass on our help elsewhere.

The most recent vacation we took was an extensive 5-day road trip from West Texas to Southern Washington. It was probably the longest 10-days (there and back) of my life. Confined to a car crammed with stuff, sitting next to my baby while he has Cocomelon on blast, my husband has music playing, and Maverick just screaming at the top of his lungs to come out of his car seat. It was not at all what I had expected the journey would be. Maverick used to sleep soundly in his car seat, but for whatever reason, he decided to change that Day 1 of vacation.

I’ve definitely had to strengthen my left arm lugging him around the house while multitasking chores, making myself coffee and lunch, and picking up all the things around the house. He’s in this phase where he’s on extreme stranger danger and is clingy as all hell to me. The moment I try to set him down I can feel his toes and his fingers sink into my skin for dear life, as if the floor was lava and he actually knew that it would swallow him whole.

Parenthood without help is not easy. I applaud all the parents, moms and dads, that do this on a daily basis. This stay at home thing is not for the feint of heart. I’m terrified about what the future brings because I know it’ll put distance between our family. Deployments are nothing new to Sean and I, but it’s definitely something that will be new to experience with a baby. I’m just hoping that everything works out in our favor, and we’re on our way home sooner than later…

Tips on how I increased my milk supply

Pumping can be incredibly discouraging. It’s tiring. It’s tedious. It’s time-consuming. You can’t just strap the flanges on and let the machine go full speed on your boobs and expect good results. Pumping is an active process that you have to engage in. If you watch your LO (little one) nurse, they tend to vary in speed and depth of their suckle, so what makes you think you can pump at one speed and suction for a full 40 minutes and have the same outcome? The answer is you can’t. And honestly, you have to be in the right mindset with all the factors in place for it to be a good pump session. Being positioned wrong, having the wrong bra, being dehydrated - these all can have an impact on your output. So I’ve put together some tips that have worked for me and a few of my friends.

But first, disclaimer: The content on my website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.

So not all of these will work instantaneously. It’s going to take some time and a whole lot of patience to see changes. Be kind to yourself, mama. You’re going to do great, you ARE doing great. You are a great mama no matter how baby is fed, whether it’s breastmilk for formula. But if you’re really wanting to breastfeed, I hope these tips help you toward that goal!

Seek assistance from a lactation consultant

Before you discharge from the hospital, ask to speak with the lactation consultant. You want to make sure that you get your baby’s latch assessed. If your baby’s not latched correctly, it can really do some damage to your nipples making breastfeeding harder than it already is. If you plan on pumping, it’s a good idea to bring your pump in to be sized for the correct flange. It’s also good to ask how to pump to get the most out. Sometimes you think that something is meant to be easy, one click of the button type of thing, but pumping is much more than that. Write all your questions down before you deliver, so you get the most out of the session. When you go home and you need help troubleshooting it, see if you can speak with a lactation consultant at baby’s follow up appointment. You can always ask for help.

Ensuring you’re using the correct flange sizing

As I mentioned above, using the correct flange size is important. You won’t be emptying your breast effectively if it’s too big, and it can really damage your nipples if it’s too small. This is one reason to bring your pump when you deliver. Sometimes using lubrication like approved nipple balms can help prevent chafing as well.

Using thermal packs to help with your letdown

I find that when my breast are “warmed up” (literally…) they put out the most milk. That’s why I like to pump after a warm shower. If not, I’d say invest in some thermal packs that you can just pop in the microwave and place on your chest before you pump. Sometimes that helps with the letdown, and it can actually make it feel a little better. My letdown is very painful, so the heat packs really help relieve that pain.

Hand expressing to help stimulate your breast

In the earlier days of lactation, right after birth, you’ll notice that your milk is super thick and can look gold. This is that nutrient dense colostrum you’ve heard about! It’s extremely hard to get out with a breast pump on those first few days, so the best way to collect it is by hand expression. The important thing to remember when using your hands to express milk is that you want your fingers to be at the BASE of your nipple, and instead of “pressing” your fingers together to “squeeze it”, you want to press STRAIGHT BACK against your chest and COMPRESS forward. If you squeeze at the nipple, you’re going to get sore, but you’re also pinching off the milk ducts where the milk would come out. Always hand express after pumping because the pump will leave behind some of that fatty hind milk!