"It was a vicious circle of hurting, and drinking to numb the pain, only to feel hungover and even emptier than the night before."
I can’t say that I’ve just now hit rock bottom, because if I said that, it would be a lie. I’ve hit rock bottom before, and clearly by a show of messages, a majority of my Instagram saw it on IG Live. I drank so much that day that I answered the door to the police and I laid down on my floor yelling I didn’t want to go to jail. They had to convince me I wasn’t being arrested for drinking in my own home, and that they were there to make sure I was safe. I should’ve taken that as a hint to stop drinking that day.
That’s the funny thing about my relationship with alcohol though… On days where I’m hurting the most is the days I crave it the most, knowing full well that I’ll end up on the floor somewhere, throwing up, or crying my heart out to someone who probably would rather be doing something else… or embarrassing myself on live broadcast so my boss sees how pathetic I am on my days off.
It took one more blackout in a hotel, throwing up in a lobby restroom, and shoving a plastic bag over my head to realize that my emotions and alcohol don’t mix well together… And for someone with a plethora of emotions, alcohol should be the last on my consumption list.
“The urge is so strong, and the voices just make it so much harder to resist the temptation".”
With all of that being said, I don’t drink heavily very often. I’ll have a glass of wine or two twice a week, maybe throw back some soju to celebrate something miniscule. But when I do drink heavy, it’s always a problem. I have an issue with moderation when feeling the long term effects of C-PTSD, and if I want to combat that issue, I think the best way is to cut it all out together. Remove the poison. Ergo, stop drinking altogether. It’s just hard when I have pretty severe hallucinations, that worsen with alcohol…
I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my family. Maverick doesn’t deserve to be raised by a mother who can’t control herself over a few shots of patron, and a few glasses of wine, and a few flutes of champagne… Honestly, he doesn’t need a mother who takes all of those together in a span of 6 hours. It’s already difficult for me to be a mother that suffers from mental health disabilities. Alcohol Use Disorder is the one thing that I can control. Well, try to control. Impulsivity is also a very strong aspect of my personality. It’s like my brain loves to be reckless when sadness ensues from emotional triggers. So here’s my pledge to be a better person overall.
I pledge to take control of my life and my emotions. I will do my best to abstain from drinking alcohol so that I can create a better life for myself and my family.