Hangxiety & opening up at the wrong time

“I feel great feeling hungover and I regret no decisions from last night,” said hardly anyone, ever… I’m sure there are a few good things that have come out of being drunk and crazy, but most of the time… let’s be real - it’s usually rAgrets all around.

Hangxiety is the term that I found in the book, Sober Girls Society by Millie Gooch, that stood for the anxiety you experience the day after drinking, when you're hungover.

It's about rethinking all of your stupid choices from the night before. If you're like me and you're already living with anxiety, hangxiety is like being in a constant anxiety attack for at least three days.

I have a tendency to dwell on all the things that I did when drunk me was in charge of making decisions. I always get nervous if I messed up and said something stupid, or if I did something stupid (like throwing up in a hotel lobby or in the street), or if I let my hallucinations take hold of me. I vaguely remember one time, Sean told me that I was crying out to my hallucinations. He only knew this because we named my hallucinations, and I was screaming the name out loud. This is already enough to get me thrown into an ER room for a psych evaluation and I hope to never be in that position again.

Everyone already knows I get super emotional when I'm drunk. My issue is which emotion is going to be strong enough to come out. Sometimes I get lucky and it's just happiness that comes out and the night goes well. Other times, it can be sadness or anger that comes out, and that's when I get myself into trouble... Or just trouble to handle because I'm crying too much.

I was just talking with someone about when you're drunk, you have a tendency to let your barrier down and become a different state of vulnerable. I hate that it takes alcohol for me to open up. I genuinely think that the best bonds are made when you're sober because it takes more strength to become vulnerable sober than it does with a little (or a lot) of liquid courage. So I'm just going to open up about some things that have been on my sober mind that come out when drunk me shows up.

I'm lonely. Lonely as fuck. I have my family, but it's so different when you have friends around you

I hate that I let my career/moving away distance me from people I loved the most

I am extremely envious of some of the strong bonds people have that I don't have

I wish I had the ability to make more friends, I feel like no one ever wants to hang out with me - I'm fun I swear

I constantly think no one wants to hang out with me because of what I write on my blog - people just think I'm bat shit crazy now

So now that you know some of the things I think about, do some of these things relate to you? Do you drink alcohol because it makes dealing with these things a little easier? It's easy to make friends and be the center of attention when you don't have a care in the world due to being drunk... but how fun is it really when you can't even remember the night? Do you ever feel awkward talking to the people the next day, or find you can't even open up to them the same way you did when you were drinking? Yeah... It's time to think Hangxiety over, because you've probably experienced it more than just a few times... Here's to hoping to never having hangxiety again if we can manage to keep this sobriety up. 

God, please comment on my posts so I know I’m not the only one in the world of Facebook or blogging that feels this way.

Blooming in sobriety.

"It was a vicious circle of hurting, and drinking to numb the pain, only to feel hungover and even emptier than the night before."

I can’t say that I’ve just now hit rock bottom, because if I said that, it would be a lie. I’ve hit rock bottom before, and clearly by a show of messages, a majority of my Instagram saw it on IG Live. I drank so much that day that I answered the door to the police and I laid down on my floor yelling I didn’t want to go to jail. They had to convince me I wasn’t being arrested for drinking in my own home, and that they were there to make sure I was safe. I should’ve taken that as a hint to stop drinking that day.

That’s the funny thing about my relationship with alcohol though… On days where I’m hurting the most is the days I crave it the most, knowing full well that I’ll end up on the floor somewhere, throwing up, or crying my heart out to someone who probably would rather be doing something else… or embarrassing myself on live broadcast so my boss sees how pathetic I am on my days off.

It took one more blackout in a hotel, throwing up in a lobby restroom, and shoving a plastic bag over my head to realize that my emotions and alcohol don’t mix well together… And for someone with a plethora of emotions, alcohol should be the last on my consumption list.

“The urge is so strong, and the voices just make it so much harder to resist the temptation".”

With all of that being said, I don’t drink heavily very often. I’ll have a glass of wine or two twice a week, maybe throw back some soju to celebrate something miniscule. But when I do drink heavy, it’s always a problem. I have an issue with moderation when feeling the long term effects of C-PTSD, and if I want to combat that issue, I think the best way is to cut it all out together. Remove the poison. Ergo, stop drinking altogether. It’s just hard when I have pretty severe hallucinations, that worsen with alcohol…

I want to be the best version of myself for myself and for my family. Maverick doesn’t deserve to be raised by a mother who can’t control herself over a few shots of patron, and a few glasses of wine, and a few flutes of champagne… Honestly, he doesn’t need a mother who takes all of those together in a span of 6 hours. It’s already difficult for me to be a mother that suffers from mental health disabilities. Alcohol Use Disorder is the one thing that I can control. Well, try to control. Impulsivity is also a very strong aspect of my personality. It’s like my brain loves to be reckless when sadness ensues from emotional triggers. So here’s my pledge to be a better person overall.

I pledge to take control of my life and my emotions. I will do my best to abstain from drinking alcohol so that I can create a better life for myself and my family.