I hope that you regret the day you gave up on me.
The day that I was too much crying, too much sobbing, too much energy.
The day I was too erratic, or ecstatic, or just plain bubbly.
You said I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t woman enough.
But here I am standing in my femininity,
Not because my hair is done, or my nails are did.
But because my values and my character can’t be hidden.I can be loud and obnoxious.
I can be soft-spoken and shy.
I can be extroverted and friendly,
or I can be scared and just hide.
I feel so much energy, probably more than you do.
I carry the weight of so much burden,
to myself I try to stay true.
And I’m a little bit broken, and a little bit lost,
But with a little bit of patience,
I’ll be better,
No, I’m not a lost cause.
But no matter what I am, and no matter what I do.
I’m glad you left me,
Because I’m too good for you.
I found this in a journal of mine when we had to talk about our past and things that we regret. Look, I don’t write poetry, and I can agree that this was probably scribbled down while in a manic phase because that’s the only time I really write a lot. BUT - What I regret the most in my life was giving my time to people who didn’t deserve it. See, time is something you can’t get back, and once you’ve given it away, that’s it friend, it’s gone.
Well, it’s almost a new year, and I’m happy to say that I didn’t waste too much time on people this year. I spent a lot of my time reflecting on myself and what could make me a better person. I spent a lot of time assessing friendships and relationships that I already had, and debated a lot in my head on which ones were worth keeping and which ones were worth closing the book on. See, the thing is, all people grow, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow together. It can also mean you grow apart. That’s okay, that’s normal.
This poem was more so for the people who expected me to be different. The ones that were always expecting me to be strong and stoic; or the opposite, shy and scared. This is for the guys who wanted me to be more feminine and stand back on my views. This is for the “friends” who expected me to give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return, to include trust and honesty. This is for the “friends” that expected me to always be happy, when deep down all I wanted to do was feel my sadness.
I’m glad that I’ve surrounded myself with people who let me be 100% authentically me. I’m glad I have a following that supports my strive to end the stigma on mental health issues. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and there are others like me who also require a community.
This is my new years resolution: Continue to not waste too much time on people who expect me to be different than I am. Not waste time on being someone other than myself. Strive to be the best version of myself.