Why the AAPI community needs more mental health leaders

As told by GIFs

I’ve been trying to look for Mental Health blogs dedicated to the AAPI community, and I’ve come up with maybe 3; 2 of which haven’t been written on in months. So I’m down to one, which is mine. Whoopsie Daisy. How is this a thing? With all that’s going on in the AAPI community because of COVID-19, how are there barely any AAPI mental health leaders out there? Well, I’ll tell you three reasons: stoicism, ungrateful guilt, and faith guilt.

Showing “weakness” brings dishonor to you and to your livestock

It’s like before Mushu rings the gong to bring the guardians to life. They want you to be a statue. Stoic. Stoicism is something that’s greatly encouraged in Asian cultures. To show signs of weakness or mental strain just means that you can’t handle what you’re going through. If you are stoic, it shows that you are strong, and indifferent to the things that are supposed to make you feel negatively. The hardships that our elders endured are different than ours, and “if they go through it, we should get through it too.” But that’s not the case. We all have different struggles, and it’s okay to show your vulnerability. It is okay to not be okay.

You are so ungrateful!

I just recently learned about the kind of life my grandmother lived when she was younger, and to be honest, I think everyone should have a huge respect for her after everything she endured. As a 2nd generation child of the United States, I’ve been blessed to have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear, and food to fill my belly. If that’s the case, then why am I still so depressed when I have such a “good life” and everything that I could ever want? This is why some people won’t seek mental health help. They’re so used to hearing, “you should be grateful for everything you have,” that they discredit their actual mental health/illness. It’s becauses they feel guilty for feeling this way. But you shouldn’t feel guilty even though you have everything. You’re still allowed to feel the way you feel, and to seek help. It’s okay to not be okay.

Just pray, and He will answer all of your prayers

In a culture that believes that prayer can heal and solve everything, you may be discouraged to seek any other help other than His. It’s very common in the Filipino culture to give “everything to Him and He will heal all.” So it may feel like your mental illness/suicide ideations are a sin. It’s hard to not feel guilty when someone tells you that suicide is sinful, and that you shouldn’t be thinking that way. It’s not helpful to your mindset, and it may make you feel like there is something wrong with you. Don’t feel this way. Continue to seek help and refuge in your fellowship if faith is something that is a pillar for you. Mental illness is not a sin, folks. Don’t hide it. Open up and ask for help. It is okay to not be okay.

We need more leaders.

If you’re an AAPI person, you’ve probably experienced one of these three things in your lifetime. Especially during a time where you were having trouble putting a smile on your face. If you have experienced it, comment or like. Show that we aren’t alone in this. The more awareness we raise for mental health/mental illness, the more it gets talked about, the more it becomes a norm, and the more people seek the help they need. So… get to it friends. Comment, like, talk, share, etc. Let’s go.

To the ones who gave up on me; to the ones who left

I hope that you regret the day you gave up on me.
The day that I was too much crying, too much sobbing, too much energy.
The day I was too erratic, or ecstatic, or just plain bubbly.

You said I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t woman enough.
But here I am standing in my femininity,
Not because my hair is done, or my nails are did.
But because my values and my character can’t be hidden.

I can be loud and obnoxious.
I can be soft-spoken and shy.
I can be extroverted and friendly,
or I can be scared and just hide.

I feel so much energy, probably more than you do.
I carry the weight of so much burden,
to myself I try to stay true.

And I’m a little bit broken, and a little bit lost,
But with a little bit of patience,
I’ll be better,
No, I’m not a lost cause.

But no matter what I am, and no matter what I do.
I’m glad you left me,
Because I’m too good for you.

I found this in a journal of mine when we had to talk about our past and things that we regret. Look, I don’t write poetry, and I can agree that this was probably scribbled down while in a manic phase because that’s the only time I really write a lot. BUT - What I regret the most in my life was giving my time to people who didn’t deserve it. See, time is something you can’t get back, and once you’ve given it away, that’s it friend, it’s gone.

Well, it’s almost a new year, and I’m happy to say that I didn’t waste too much time on people this year. I spent a lot of my time reflecting on myself and what could make me a better person. I spent a lot of time assessing friendships and relationships that I already had, and debated a lot in my head on which ones were worth keeping and which ones were worth closing the book on. See, the thing is, all people grow, but that doesn’t mean you have to grow together. It can also mean you grow apart. That’s okay, that’s normal.

This poem was more so for the people who expected me to be different. The ones that were always expecting me to be strong and stoic; or the opposite, shy and scared. This is for the guys who wanted me to be more feminine and stand back on my views. This is for the “friends” who expected me to give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return, to include trust and honesty. This is for the “friends” that expected me to always be happy, when deep down all I wanted to do was feel my sadness.

I’m glad that I’ve surrounded myself with people who let me be 100% authentically me. I’m glad I have a following that supports my strive to end the stigma on mental health issues. I’m happy to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and there are others like me who also require a community.

This is my new years resolution: Continue to not waste too much time on people who expect me to be different than I am. Not waste time on being someone other than myself. Strive to be the best version of myself.

Lack of Self-Love

I have been really struggling with some self-kindness lately, and embracing the thought of me being beautiful. It’s not uncommon for a woman to experience these feelings after pregnancy, and it isn’t uncommon for it to last longer than the first few months. For me, it’s been almost two years of feeling “not like myself”. When I look back to four years ago, I ran my first marathon and was in the best shape of my life. Two years ago, I was deadlifting twice my body weight, and was also in the best shape of my life. Now, I don’t feel right in any of the clothes I put on. Even if it fits right, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loss the sense of confidence that I used to have back in the day.

But you know, I just talked to a friend about it. She just had a baby, and the first thing that I said to her was to give herself some grace to heal, to fall into her new role as a mother, and to take the time for her new born baby. Bouncing back isn’t important. Supporting her is important. So why couldn’t I say that to myself? Is it because it’s been almost two years since I had my baby? Is it because I should have bounced back like celebrity moms or moms that have more time in the world for some reason (like seriously, where do you get that?) Or that I should look like the teenager who has never held a child in her stomach before? I feel huge standing next to people. I feel like I take up too much space in the world.

I’ve already written about my struggle with body dysmorphia. Ever since I was a young child, my weight would be talked about when meeting with relatives. “Ang taba mo na” (you’re so fat now), or having my eating disorder praised with “ang sexy mo naman”. Only to know it’s because I was eating only Honeycombs in the morning, and throwing up my food at night. Loving myself always came with an expense. An expense to my mental, emotional, and physical health. Now it’s even harder after experiencing postpartum psychosis, disordered eating, major depression, and anxiety. But you know what…

I forget that my body created life sometimes. I forget that what started out as something microscopic, turned into my 6.5 lbs son and a vital organ to support him. I’m lined with stretch marks to show that my body grew to make room for Mav. Maybe I have a little more on my hips than I used to, but it just helps cushion my body now. I carried more weight on my chest to provide nutrition for my son. And you know, my body is pretty freakin’ amazing for doing all of that. So I’m glad I wrote this… Because sometimes it takes writing it all out to realize what kind of positive thoughts can be buried by negative thoughts…

So if you’re feeling down on your self-image today, don’t. You’re beautiful. And your body does so much for you to make it through the day, so you should appreciate it, no matter what it looks like. It’s not like that’s what matters anyways. What matters is what’s inside your heart guys. Really. Skin ages. Bodies age. Hair turns grey. But what’s inside, doesn’t change. So take up space! Eat your food. Enjoy it all.

Challenging our thoughts with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I’ve done a lot of therapy before, you name it, from DBT, EMDR, talk therapy, group therapy, and CBT. So what is cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT?

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of psychological treatment that has been demonstrated to be effective for a range of problems including depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness.

- American Psychological Association

CBT is based on challenging your unhealthy, unhelpful, or faulty ways of thinking. It helps challenge learned behaviors that are less than idea for healing. It helps you learn different coping mechanisms to deal with symptoms of anxiety, depression, or other PTSD symptoms that can effect your life.

You may already do this kind of thinking process in your head when you’re confronted with a problem. You try to weigh out the “pros” and “cons”, or the “what ifs” of a situation. Below I’ve posted an example that I recently used with a situation I was in a couple of weeks ago. Feel free to download the blank worksheet and use it for yourself when you find yourself struggling with negative thinking.

Breaking down the worksheet

Situation: What was the situation that you were in? What was going on around you that made you feel the way you feel? What was the event?

Emotions or feelings: What were the emotions you felt? Try to be more descriptive than just “sad” or “angry”. Really try to figure out what emotion you felt and why.

Negative automatic thought: What was the first image/thought that popped into you head to make this a negative situation?

Supporting/Non-supporting evidence: What supports that your thought is true or false?

Alternative thought: Looking at the evidence, what can you concur about the thought that could be a different way of looking at it?

Hangxiety & opening up at the wrong time

“I feel great feeling hungover and I regret no decisions from last night,” said hardly anyone, ever… I’m sure there are a few good things that have come out of being drunk and crazy, but most of the time… let’s be real - it’s usually rAgrets all around.

Hangxiety is the term that I found in the book, Sober Girls Society by Millie Gooch, that stood for the anxiety you experience the day after drinking, when you're hungover.

It's about rethinking all of your stupid choices from the night before. If you're like me and you're already living with anxiety, hangxiety is like being in a constant anxiety attack for at least three days.

I have a tendency to dwell on all the things that I did when drunk me was in charge of making decisions. I always get nervous if I messed up and said something stupid, or if I did something stupid (like throwing up in a hotel lobby or in the street), or if I let my hallucinations take hold of me. I vaguely remember one time, Sean told me that I was crying out to my hallucinations. He only knew this because we named my hallucinations, and I was screaming the name out loud. This is already enough to get me thrown into an ER room for a psych evaluation and I hope to never be in that position again.

Everyone already knows I get super emotional when I'm drunk. My issue is which emotion is going to be strong enough to come out. Sometimes I get lucky and it's just happiness that comes out and the night goes well. Other times, it can be sadness or anger that comes out, and that's when I get myself into trouble... Or just trouble to handle because I'm crying too much.

I was just talking with someone about when you're drunk, you have a tendency to let your barrier down and become a different state of vulnerable. I hate that it takes alcohol for me to open up. I genuinely think that the best bonds are made when you're sober because it takes more strength to become vulnerable sober than it does with a little (or a lot) of liquid courage. So I'm just going to open up about some things that have been on my sober mind that come out when drunk me shows up.

I'm lonely. Lonely as fuck. I have my family, but it's so different when you have friends around you

I hate that I let my career/moving away distance me from people I loved the most

I am extremely envious of some of the strong bonds people have that I don't have

I wish I had the ability to make more friends, I feel like no one ever wants to hang out with me - I'm fun I swear

I constantly think no one wants to hang out with me because of what I write on my blog - people just think I'm bat shit crazy now

So now that you know some of the things I think about, do some of these things relate to you? Do you drink alcohol because it makes dealing with these things a little easier? It's easy to make friends and be the center of attention when you don't have a care in the world due to being drunk... but how fun is it really when you can't even remember the night? Do you ever feel awkward talking to the people the next day, or find you can't even open up to them the same way you did when you were drinking? Yeah... It's time to think Hangxiety over, because you've probably experienced it more than just a few times... Here's to hoping to never having hangxiety again if we can manage to keep this sobriety up. 

God, please comment on my posts so I know I’m not the only one in the world of Facebook or blogging that feels this way.