easier said than done

I get frustrated when my son cries at night, even though I know it’s all part of his development. He’s most likely teething and in pain, but the sound of his cry triggers more anxiety than it does nurturing. That’s hard for me. My husband will say, “we have to remember that he’s a baby and that’s how he communicates.” Of course I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that my head starts throbbing and my emotions become overwhelmed when it happens.

I say, “I didn’t sign up for this.” I signed up to be a mom to a baby, and I know what it takes to care for a child. But I didn’t sign up to be a mom with postpartum depression trying to heal from her own trauma and ptsd all at once. I didn’t sign up to be the mom that needed to time nursing and pumping sessions with medications to make sure I got the least amount of medications in it. I didn’t sign up to be the mom who needed her husband to lock up her medications because she wanted to take all of them at once when things became too much to handle.

I wish I could be like every mom I know right now, happily watering plants and rocking the whole “working mom” thing and making fucking bento box lunches for everyone in the family. But I’m gonna settle for the “trying to keep it together while faking like we’re doing okay” kind of mom right now, and that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

the voices in my head: welcome back billy

In 2019, I finally opened up about hearing voices. Not that tiny voice in your head that everyone has, aka, your conscience. This voice is like it’s someone else in the room, someone else around. I introduced Billy to the world. I thought I’d bring him up again because it’s starting to pick up again. I hear him grumbling off things I can’t really understand most of the time, but now that I’m feeling more and more anxious, the voice is angrier.

I recently read something about how mentally ill people are portrayed during Halloween. Why are they seen as scary? Why so often are scary films and tv shows based on people who have mental illness? I recently finished the Haunting series (Hill House and Bly Manor), and honestly, I wasn’t as afraid as I thought I’d be. Why? Because I feel like that on a daily basis.

The night terrors, the nightmares, the voices, the feeling of being uneasy, those aren’t new to me. But watching it on television definitely makes me feel a little uneasy about opening up about it. There was a journal prompt the other day that I didn’t do: “if you saw your situation on television, what would you think? who would side with? what would your thoughts be about what you saw?”

And after watching the Haunting of Hill House, it made me not want to open up. I’m debating on whether to make this blog public again or just open it to people with a password. Seeing how Olivia and Nellie were treated and thought of after they committed suicide, or spoke about their ghosts, man… Talk about negative vibes and stigma on mental health.

Unless you’ve experienced it before, or have seen someone completely lose their mind while dealing with it, you shouldn’t get to have a say in what’s real or not. Because for us, it’s very real, and if that’s too much for you, then maybe it’s a good thing that we aren’t really friends.

physical manifestations of mental illness that get really annoying

I’m exhausted, guys. I feel like I’m running on fumes some days. Other days, it’s a miracle that I leave my bed. Every morning I wake up with a headache, and the feeling of my teeth rocking loose from all of the grinding and clenching I do at night. My neck hurts, my back hurts, everything hurts. And that’s just after me opening my eyes. Getting out of bed is a completely different story. My feet hit the ground and all I feel is sharp pain shooting up from my heels to my knees, and I can’t even walk on my left foot right away. I have to walk on the lateral side until by some miracle, my foot cracks into place.

But that’s just the physical manifestation of my initial wake. That doesn’t include the heaviness I feel on my chest. The pain that sits on me making it hard to breathe. Not to mention the dizziness and nausea that follows after I take my psychiatric medications. It’s like the entire world is toppling over, like I’m experiencing another bout of vertigo (absolutely no fun).

I think the worst thing right now is the immeasurable amount of tears I can cry when emotions flood over me. It happens out of nowhere. I could be completely fine, but once I zone out, that’s it - I’m overwhelmed.

I think I’ve finally reached my breaking point. Every triggering subject that’s come up lately has made it difficult to push memories back into that hidden box in my head. It’s honestly why I got rid of my Facebook, because the topics became too much to handle. It made it even worse when I realized some of my ‘friends’ thought that these things were worth joking about, or even seemed to condone some actions.

I hope this therapy works. I know it’s a long road ahead, but at least I’m on it, right?

things that i missed, but wish i hadn't

When you go through trauma therapy, one of the hardest things to do is to revisit those memories you’ve tried so hard to bury. You hyper focus on work or hobbies that distract you from dealing with all the shit you’ve tried to forget. You put it in your box of unwanteds and you do your best to forget, until that one little thing unlocks it all. Then it’s just a flood of memories that overwhelm you, and you find yourself down the rabbit hole of remembering. At first, it’s hard to remember all the details because you’ve done such a good job forgetting. Then you start having nightmares about it, you start zoning out like you’re reliving the memory. Then the details come into focus, and you remember things you wish you hadn’t. Things you wish you could have changed. Things you regret. I live with a lot of regret, and I live with a lot of anger.

I regret not knowing what red flags were for suicidal ideation. I was so young when it all happened (15 years old). Everyone saw my brother as this lively, obnoxiously happy kid. When I think of my brother’s smile, I see the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The jaw that could mash even the toughest wires, which was an awful habit of his… constantly chewing on things like a dog. But that was him, the perfect social butterfly. Dabbling in things, a jack of all trades but a master of none (lol, let’s be real.)

But that was the thing, that’s the front that he put on for so many people. I know my brother was much more in tune with himself and his feelings. He was disgustingly sentimental. He wrote poorly worded songs, wrote poems and letters, and he spilled his heart out every week while being high as a kite. I was (un)luckily one of the people that he would pull to listen to his rambling at night. I wish I had caught some of the red flags that he had mentioned, but maybe he didn’t even know it himself.

I remember the day that I looked up whether you could overdose on Aspirin or not, because it was something he had mentioned. It would take a lot of Aspirin, and it would definitely be painful - at least I’d imagine it would since it would tear up your stomach. He just shrugged it off like it was nothing. His head hurt, he said, “how much Aspirin do you think it would take to kill someone?” We never spoke of it again, but remembering it makes me nauseous.

Sometimes I wish it were me instead - that it was me that died on that playground. Especially with all that’s gone on in the past two years. Some hurtful things that I’ve read and heard by word of mouth. Sometimes I think it would’ve been better if it were me.

But since it wasn’t, I think I should at least do my part in trying to not miss anymore red flags, with myself or with anyone else. I thank my family and small circle of trusted friends that make me feel worth loving, that care about me, and that have checked in on me. You all are the reason that I’m trying to change my thoughts.

journal prompts, recovery: what are some protective behaviors i'd like to let go of?

Distancing myself from people I’m not even close with yet. I think that’s my biggest fall back as a person going through life. I tend to cut ties with people I haven’t even properly formed relationships with. Maybe it’s the fear of being hurt or being unliked. Honestly, I think it’s the fear of not actually fitting in or having similar interests as them.

You know how there are people in your life that are just born social butterflies? They do really well with any group that they interact with? They connect easily and they have limitless conversations? Well, that’s not me. At least I don’t think it is. I feel like I’m extremely empathetic, but for some reason, I just don’t allow myself to connect with people. I think I’m good at listening to people’s problems and helping, but I’m not good doing it the other way around. That’s why I started my blog. I wanted an outlet where I didn’t actually need the human connection. If someone could relate to me, they’d relate to me through my writing. We were both safe from interaction, but still felt mutually about something. If they wanted to interact, they could message me via pixels. Still safe.

I want to be better at getting out there. I want to be better at connecting and forming relationships. As a nurse, I know how important a strong support system is. I preach it to my patients before they go home, “surround yourself with a good support system so when things get hard, you have people to fall back on.” Luckily, we have some friends here that have been nothing but good to us (thanks Kev, Flora, Gladys, & Matt.) You four are the only people we really interact with here, and it’s more than enough.

I hope on our next move, we’re better about getting out and strengthening relationships. They say it takes a village to raise a child (& a mother), I guess we just need to build our village.