Wow, that was embarrassing.

So, I got a wee drunk the other day, went on Instagram Live for the first time in my life, bawled my eyes out, probably spilled so many dark thoughts and feelings in the process… I can’t even remember what I said on Live, but I’m not sure that I want to. So if you listened, please don’t remind me. I already struggle making small talk with people, the last thing I want is to know the depth of embarrassment I had on Instagram. Thankful that I have a husband that deleted everything before even more people viewed it.

With that being said though, those who did end up viewing my feed and reaching out to me to make sure I was okay, I appreciate the fuck out of you. Those of you who reached out to my husband, I appreciate you. I mean, in the end, the cops got called to my house, my boss showed up, they made me go to the ER to do a psych evaluation and an alcohol blood level, but I ended up getting released home. I was safe, I am safe, we’re all good.

That would have honestly sucked though, because the psych unit here doesn’t discharge on four day weekends, meaning I would’ve been stuck there for 5 days hating myself for drinking that much. That place is like jail. There is no happiness that looms in those hallways. It’s just dread and misery that seeps through those cracks.

I am sad though. I constantly feel alone. I have the biggest case of FOMO, but I’m also the most anti-social person with FOMO… Which really doesn’t help. I hate feeling like I burden people with my depression. I think I’m actually pretty funny, I have a lot of dark humor, and I’m pretty apathetic to things that happen to me, but I’m really empathetic towards others. Which I guess just means, I feel like no one will ever understand me, but I’m pretty good at understanding others. I don’t think I’m super worthy of love, but I will love the fuck out of my friends.

I wish I had an easier time connecting with people. I wish people took the time to get to know me in a deeper sense. I always feel like I come in at the wrong time when I move. People are already super close to each other, they all have inside jokes and hang out on the weekends. I mean, just moving to El Paso, I literally put physical distance between me and almost everyone I know by living on the other side of the mountain. In Korea, I literally was the only officer that lived in Seoul while everyone else stayed 64 kilometers away. Geographic locations have never been on my side either, so I guess that also doesn’t help.

Maybe I just need to try harder at making friends, but honestly… and we’re being absolutely honest…

No one likes hanging out with depressed, anxious, and “crazy” people.

I think that’s the biggest reason why I distance myself. Because I’ve heard people talk about patients that come in with Suicidal Ideation, and I’ve heard people talk about people who get admitted to the psych unit, and those conversations are never 1) welcoming and 2) supportive.

So honestly… Maybe it’s okay that I’m anti-social, cause I’d rather have no friends than have fake friends.

is it morally wrong to sit and watch people get manipulated just to save someone some face?

Honest question, and I would really like if everyone replied to this one in the comments. I am genuinely interested in seeing what people have to say about this situation right now.

You have a friend who has been going through some hard times lately. That friend is getting help now. But you notice a lot of the things that this friend says doesn’t make any sense, doesn’t add up, or just blatantly lies to people about their past life. Whether it’s for pity, for attention, or for whatever else kind of game they’re playing, what do you do to the others? Do you tell them that there is an imposter among us, or do you just let that imposter kill of the livelihood of these people with their manipulative lies?

Now see, I’m not usually the one to call people out on their shit when I see it happening in front me, especially if it doesn’t hurt anybody. But in this case, it is hurting people - to include myself and my good friend. It HURTS to see other people get DRAWN IN by this “cry wolf” scenario, especially when you know a lot of the back story, you know the truth, and it’s just fucking irritating.

I’m in therapy for me, but I think that this little “friendship” has gotten to the point where I cannot believe I lived in a lie for the last 1.5 years. How much have I been manipulated to think that all of these things were true? And you know what is crazy, is that a piece of me still wants to give benefit of the doubt and say that this person is just that fucking stupid to continue placing themselves in these dumbass situations…but ugh…

So - WHAT DO YOU DO? Do you expose this manipulative asshole? Or do you let the group fall down the rabbit hole of lies and deception? TOUGH RIGHT?

i honestly don’t even know how to write about today

I was so annoyed with how the events of today happened, but was relieved to find myself cool, calm, and collected with a friend at the end of the day. If I can think of what I want to write or how I want to write it, maybe I’ll post an update… For now, I’m just going to let all the events of this week simmer in the back of my head. Why? Because I CHOOSE what I react to and how I react to it. I CHOOSE what bothers me. Do I want to waste my energy on this, or do I just let it go like I always have with friends before? It’s a tough decision, but at least I’m not in it alone.

Update on 11/16/2020:

I didn’t want to start a new post, because I have something else I want to write about today a little later. I took the time to see or hear exactly what happened yesterday that lead to the events making me feel the way I did. And honestly, I was underwhelmed with everything. Maybe because it wasn’t my issue, but I still felt disappointed (still do), and I felt unappreciated, and honestly, replaced. Replaced is the word I feel the most.

I feel replaced because since July of this year, I chose to take this person and their well-being on, and make sure they were okay. Our “friendship” (from what I thought) had grown more than I thought it would, and I genuinely cared. Building trust in each other, opening up, checking on this person when there wasn’t anyone else around. Protecting this person when I could, not just as a friend, but as a nurse. I would go toe to toe with anyone who tried to hurt this person. But clearly, it shows, that anyone is replaceable, even me.

Because a group schwoooped in somehow and undid all the things I thought was the foundation of a strong friendship. I’m not usually one to demand acknowledgement, but when you’re asked, “who is someone you can depend on here?” WHILE I’M SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, KNOWING I’VE BEEN THERE SINCE THE MOTHER FUCKING BEGINNING OF ALL THIS - and you say “THE ORIGINAL GROUP.”

Well, FUCK ME THEN RIGHT? I wrote a post the other day because I thought we had cleared the air. But yesterday and today, for this person to rally people to tell me I SHOULDN’T BE ANGRY, nah bitch. I ain’t got time for that. You know where the fuck I live. I showed up on your fucking doorstep every god damn time.

It’s your fucking turn to show up as a “friend”. I went through it for you. I’m not one of these people saying that, “I would hypothetically go through it with you.” Like, I was fucking right there beside you.

But fuck me, right? Well, fuck you too.