I was so annoyed with how the events of today happened, but was relieved to find myself cool, calm, and collected with a friend at the end of the day. If I can think of what I want to write or how I want to write it, maybe I’ll post an update… For now, I’m just going to let all the events of this week simmer in the back of my head. Why? Because I CHOOSE what I react to and how I react to it. I CHOOSE what bothers me. Do I want to waste my energy on this, or do I just let it go like I always have with friends before? It’s a tough decision, but at least I’m not in it alone.
Update on 11/16/2020:
I didn’t want to start a new post, because I have something else I want to write about today a little later. I took the time to see or hear exactly what happened yesterday that lead to the events making me feel the way I did. And honestly, I was underwhelmed with everything. Maybe because it wasn’t my issue, but I still felt disappointed (still do), and I felt unappreciated, and honestly, replaced. Replaced is the word I feel the most.
I feel replaced because since July of this year, I chose to take this person and their well-being on, and make sure they were okay. Our “friendship” (from what I thought) had grown more than I thought it would, and I genuinely cared. Building trust in each other, opening up, checking on this person when there wasn’t anyone else around. Protecting this person when I could, not just as a friend, but as a nurse. I would go toe to toe with anyone who tried to hurt this person. But clearly, it shows, that anyone is replaceable, even me.
Because a group schwoooped in somehow and undid all the things I thought was the foundation of a strong friendship. I’m not usually one to demand acknowledgement, but when you’re asked, “who is someone you can depend on here?” WHILE I’M SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, KNOWING I’VE BEEN THERE SINCE THE MOTHER FUCKING BEGINNING OF ALL THIS - and you say “THE ORIGINAL GROUP.”
Well, FUCK ME THEN RIGHT? I wrote a post the other day because I thought we had cleared the air. But yesterday and today, for this person to rally people to tell me I SHOULDN’T BE ANGRY, nah bitch. I ain’t got time for that. You know where the fuck I live. I showed up on your fucking doorstep every god damn time.
It’s your fucking turn to show up as a “friend”. I went through it for you. I’m not one of these people saying that, “I would hypothetically go through it with you.” Like, I was fucking right there beside you.
But fuck me, right? Well, fuck you too.