No one prepares you for the trauma; and no one prepares you for the healing

I’m pretty sure that no one is born with the expectations that traumatic things will happen to them. We’re taught from a young age that yes, there will be good and bad days. Some days are going to be tougher than others, and we can either “run from it or learn from it” as said in Lion King. You take those words as a kid and laugh at the fact that Simba got hit with a stick and said that it hurt. It’s all fun and games until it’s time for you to actually face your past and learn from it. Then you get hit with the metaphorical stick. And that shit hurts.

It’s taken almost 2 years of therapy to even get a small grip of what I’m going through and why I feel the way I do. My negative core beliefs about myself are the pillars to my personality. I’ve grown as a person because of these pillars. I’m comfortable with where I’m at most of the time… Until I started deciding that inside needed some serious renovation, and the pillars to my personality needed to come down. The wall needed to come down to make room for improvements. But what happens when you take the main support of a home down? It crumbles. It falls. And that’s what I feel like right now.

Unboxing… what? 17, almost 18 years of trauma induced anxiety, depression, stress… My core beliefs of feeling worthless and inefficient. My core beliefs of never being good enough for anyone or anything. The constant battle to motivate myself to “be better”. Showered in toxic positivity, but pushing all of my issues aside. Sweeping it under a beautiful rug to hide all of the nastiness that I’ve dealt with in my life. Looks nice and tidy. But I’m a mess inside.

I fucking hate healing. I hate therapy because I hate feeling the shit I’m feeling. I hate revisiting shit that I’ve tried so hard to push back into a deep nothingness. Can’t it be like Inside Out where those fucking memories just fade forever? Why isn’t it as easy to change my core memories as it was in that movie?

I’m just fucking tired.

What am I trying to accomplish this year?

Honestly, I’m so tired of the question, “what’s next? what are you going to do? what’s your next move?”

Don’t get me wrong because I am a woman of extensive planning. When I held a leadership position, I would have at least 3 courses of action in case one didn’t work. I almost demanded that my Soldiers had solutions to problems they brought to my attention because I needed to know that they could not only plan, but remain flexible. So when being asked what my next move is, it’s only normal to assume that I’ll have an articulate answer.

The thing is, I don’t. I have no idea what I want to do after all of this. My plan has already changed from getting out to staying in to complete a few things that I can’t leave undone. Do I want to continue nursing or has it really taken it’s toll on me? Have I waited too long to start healing where I can’t go through therapy and be a “productive” citizen? I hate the hustle culture. I was so engulfed by the “hustle hard” culture. Always comparing ourselves to our peers on who can achieve the most in one year. Constantly posting about our new years resolutions, our strategy for the year, our five year plans… Why does no one tell you to just take a breath and slow down to appreciate all that you’ve already done?

Why do accomplishments have to be things that land you a medal, award, promotion, or some big thing worth “celebrating”? What if my accomplishment is getting my kid dressed and fed in the morning while also remembering to eat breakfast and take my medications? What if my accomplishment for the day is not having a breakdown that ends up in my auditory hallucinations cussing me out and telling me to just off myself?

This year? My goal? Focus on my fucking self. Center myself. Find myself again. Explore what it is that truly gives me a reason to continue living. Take a fucking break for once because damn, this hustle shit gets exhausting. Constantly striving to be a star, to be the best, to land bullets on my evaluations to get awards, to be promoted, to show the perfect life to everyone on Instagram.

Ah, my life is fucking hard. My head is a mess. My goal is to not give a fuck this year about anything that doesn’t matter. What matters to me? My family. My mental health. My physical health. All of it has taken a toll from constantly being “on the go”. So let’s get it done ~ or not.

Jumping into parenthood: finally a party of just 3

We were really fortunate to have so much help from Sean’s parents last year. Due to COVID, my MIL and FIL’s stay was thoroughly extended to 9.5 months of help. This benefited us in being able to keep Maverick from enrolling into daycare at what seemed to be the faux-height of the pandemic. It also helped me a lot when I became anxious and stressed and sank into postpartum depression multiple times throughout the year. Now that we’ve welcomed a cousin into the picture, we have had to pass on our help elsewhere.

The most recent vacation we took was an extensive 5-day road trip from West Texas to Southern Washington. It was probably the longest 10-days (there and back) of my life. Confined to a car crammed with stuff, sitting next to my baby while he has Cocomelon on blast, my husband has music playing, and Maverick just screaming at the top of his lungs to come out of his car seat. It was not at all what I had expected the journey would be. Maverick used to sleep soundly in his car seat, but for whatever reason, he decided to change that Day 1 of vacation.

I’ve definitely had to strengthen my left arm lugging him around the house while multitasking chores, making myself coffee and lunch, and picking up all the things around the house. He’s in this phase where he’s on extreme stranger danger and is clingy as all hell to me. The moment I try to set him down I can feel his toes and his fingers sink into my skin for dear life, as if the floor was lava and he actually knew that it would swallow him whole.

Parenthood without help is not easy. I applaud all the parents, moms and dads, that do this on a daily basis. This stay at home thing is not for the feint of heart. I’m terrified about what the future brings because I know it’ll put distance between our family. Deployments are nothing new to Sean and I, but it’s definitely something that will be new to experience with a baby. I’m just hoping that everything works out in our favor, and we’re on our way home sooner than later…

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place

There is your vocabulary word for the day, lol. We went over 2 emotions that people feel but have a difficult time explaining. This is one of those emotions that I strongly feel. I feel strongly out of place wherever I go. It doesn’t matter if it is in the work setting or seeing friends and family. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I don’t feel like I have a connection to anyone because everyone else has such strong connections to everyone else around me.

I wish I didn’t always feel like this. I feel like when you’re a military brat/personnel, you are supposed to learn how to mold yourself to fit in wherever you go, but I just decided to not fit in. And honestly, it’s tiring trying to fit in, so I’d rather isolate myself and not meet anyone period. It’s not healthy.

I am thankful for the group that I’m in now because I’ve met a lot of great people who are going through similar things, and I can now turn to them for help and support.

my homework this weekend was to wake up and think of 3 things i'm grateful for

Thanksgiving is known across the world as… Black Friday’s Eve, apparently. Isn’t it weird how we’re supposed to spend this Thursday being thankful for thinks we already have, and then go out the next day and blow all our money on things we most likely don’t need? So much for being grateful. This year I don’t want to go shopping. I really have never liked Black Friday shopping because I hate being around people. Anyways ~

This year I want to name three things I am extremely thankful for:

1. My family, to include my extended family. I am thankful for Sean and Baby Mav. They are the center of my universe. I love the way that Sean has transformed slowly into a daddy for Maverick. Always playing and teaching him new things, it makes me so happy. I love the way that Mav looks at me in the morning with just awe in his eyes. I usually feel worthless, but when I see him staring at me, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m also thankful for my extended family, especially my in-laws right now. They’ve helped us this entire year with taking care of Mav, and especially right now where I’m taking time to care for myself. They have been nothing but supportive and I can’t thank them enough.

2. My friends. I don’t have many friends. I can count my friends on one hand. But they’ve really helped pull me through some tough times throughout the year. I’ve had a hard lesson on what friendship is, and re-learning that it is a two way street. It’s a relationship that also requires a lot of trust and honesty. I’ve had a few breakups with friends that have really hurt me recently, but that makes me cherish the ones I have even more now. So thank you!

3. Myself. I know, that’s a weird one. After starting therapy and realizing that a lot of my issues stem from so long ago, I’m grateful for myself for making it this far. I’ve wanted to give up so many times, and I’ve tried to give up so many times ~ but I’m still here. My heart is still pumping (though very, very fast) I’m alive. I’m alive to see another day and to love my family and friends another day, and to try again to make things better. There are tough days and there are tougher days, but.. I’m tougher than all of it. Because I’m still here guys. And I don’t want to give up again.

Your turn, what are three things you’re grateful for?