Honestly, I’m so tired of the question, “what’s next? what are you going to do? what’s your next move?”
Don’t get me wrong because I am a woman of extensive planning. When I held a leadership position, I would have at least 3 courses of action in case one didn’t work. I almost demanded that my Soldiers had solutions to problems they brought to my attention because I needed to know that they could not only plan, but remain flexible. So when being asked what my next move is, it’s only normal to assume that I’ll have an articulate answer.
The thing is, I don’t. I have no idea what I want to do after all of this. My plan has already changed from getting out to staying in to complete a few things that I can’t leave undone. Do I want to continue nursing or has it really taken it’s toll on me? Have I waited too long to start healing where I can’t go through therapy and be a “productive” citizen? I hate the hustle culture. I was so engulfed by the “hustle hard” culture. Always comparing ourselves to our peers on who can achieve the most in one year. Constantly posting about our new years resolutions, our strategy for the year, our five year plans… Why does no one tell you to just take a breath and slow down to appreciate all that you’ve already done?
Why do accomplishments have to be things that land you a medal, award, promotion, or some big thing worth “celebrating”? What if my accomplishment is getting my kid dressed and fed in the morning while also remembering to eat breakfast and take my medications? What if my accomplishment for the day is not having a breakdown that ends up in my auditory hallucinations cussing me out and telling me to just off myself?
This year? My goal? Focus on my fucking self. Center myself. Find myself again. Explore what it is that truly gives me a reason to continue living. Take a fucking break for once because damn, this hustle shit gets exhausting. Constantly striving to be a star, to be the best, to land bullets on my evaluations to get awards, to be promoted, to show the perfect life to everyone on Instagram.
Ah, my life is fucking hard. My head is a mess. My goal is to not give a fuck this year about anything that doesn’t matter. What matters to me? My family. My mental health. My physical health. All of it has taken a toll from constantly being “on the go”. So let’s get it done ~ or not.