Thankful for: My Tribe Edition

  It’s without question that this past year has been one of the hardest years I’ve gone through in a very long time.  I won’t go into as much detail as some people would like me to (ya nosey), but I am going to state the big things I am extremely thankful for.  I learned a lot about myself.  I had to shatter myself to rebuild what I have now, almost destroying everything and everyone around me.  It’s without a doubt, that I appreciate everything I’m about to list.

God

  Around this time last year, I had been so lost.  I’d seen some of the darkest days of my adult life, where I was questioning my existence and whether it was worth it to keep pushing.  I doubted every glimmer of hope that I’d seen before and felt like I was right back at square one: age 16, depressed, lost, and misguided.  It took a lot of strength to reach out to an amazing (online!) community of women who were struggling through similar issues, and prayed for each other.  In the midst of it all, I found my way back, and he’s continuously shown me that my hard work and effort was worth it.

My husband

  It’s been a rough journey for my husband, and I commend him for all of his efforts in supporting me through whatever travesty I was experiencing.  It’s uncommon to find someone who will put up with the rollercoasters of life nowadays, and we were really pushed to the limits this past year.  We almost lost our way from each other, but we managed to come back stronger than we’ve ever been.  It was long conversations of what we wanted to work towards, and how we needed to work together if we were going to come out of it alive.  I really have been blessed with an amazing partner in life.

My fur babes, Okami and Okiharu

  I’ve already written so much on how Okami has really been a rock for me.  When they say that dogs are a (wo)man’s best friend, they weren’t lying.  Okami has always shown me love, no matter what is going on in my life.  Oki has brought a new energy to our home that’s really livened it up.  His personality is the complete opposite of Okami, in which he really enjoys playing with us.  No matter how long we’re gone, or if we lose our cool, they always greet us with excitement.  Most loyal pets I know. Except when Ami decides she wants to try and bolt, then it’s a different story.

Our Families

  It’s been really hard moving to yet another place without our family close by.  We’re very thankful for Facebook and Skype to connect us to our families in Asia and Europe during the holidays and during this pregnancy.  As we grow into our own cluster of a family, it’s nice to have the love from each of our parents and siblings.  We miss everyone and we can’t wait to see everyone once our bundle of joy appears!  Then our 2020 family adventure to Asia is going to be in the works to see extended family, <3

& Finally, my Baby Boi

  You are my light.  You are everything to me.  They say that having a child doesn’t “fix” things, and it doesn’t, but once I knew I had you in my life, I had another someone to live for.  I love that every day I can feel you grow and get stronger, waiting to come into this world with both fists up ready to take anything on.  I can’t wait to see what kind of boy you grow into, and I can’t wait to hold your hand through it all.  I love you so much, baby boi.  So, so, so, so much.

Guest Post: A story of a girl and her three angels

       We moved to Texas at the end of May that year (2017) and my husband and I agreed that I would wait 90 days to apply for new jobs in the event that i fell pregnant, as we wanted to start a family.  If, at the end of that 90-day period, I was not pregnant, I would go back to work.  We had this discussion around June 1 and on July 7, i took a positive pregnancy test. 

       In this post, I am trying to shed some light on miscarriage.  Sure, we are told that it is common, as if that should make it less painful.  But, to anyone who has ever wanted to be a parent and experienced that glimmer of hope held in a pregnancy test, you know that a miscarriage isn’t just ‘something’ that happens; it’s a significant loss.  And it needs to be okay to grieve that loss like you would any other family member who died. 

       My story starts in July 2017.  I found out i was pregnant on July 7.  My husband was at work, so after I took several positive pregnancy tests, I went to target and bought dry-erase markers and a ‘best dad ever’ mug.  Then i got to work decorating our bathroom so that i could surprise him when he got home from work for the evening.  It’s thought that we conceived this baby on or around june 18th, so i found out i was pregnant, i was only about two weeks along.  I had my first doctor’s appointment at 8 weeks and 6 days along.  The ultrasound tech. Couldn’t yet hear a heartbeat, but we got to see the flicker of it and we were able to see our baby wiggling around like crazy! Our second appointment was at 13 weeks and while we didn’t have an ultrasound, the doctor used the doppler to find the baby’s heartbeat.  It was the most perfect sound i’d ever heard and i teared up pretty instantly!  That day, we got the “ok” from the doctor to share our news with family and friends, as the baby was active, had a strong, fast heartbeat, and even though I wasn’t showing yet, my uterus was expanding in a way that the doctor thought was very positive.  The next day, Joe (my husband) and i started our drive back to pennsylvania.  After four months, we decided that texas wasn’t the best move for us.

       That weekend after we got settled, we drove with my dad to visit Joe’s parents.  We told them all that we had gifts for them (belated fathers’ day gifts for our dads and a belated birthday gift for Joe’s mom).  Inside the gift bags were grandpa t-shirts for the guys and a Nana photo frame for Joe’s mom.  They were all so excited for us and we couldn’t wait to tell everyone else we knew!  Five days later, Joe and I announced our little blessing to the social media world. 

Two weeks later, our world came crashing down around us.  On October 9, 2017, I started spotting in the afternoon.  I know spotting in pregnancy can be normal, but something didn’t feel right.  Shortly after that, I started to feel cramps, kind of like period cramps, but in my back.  I called my OB and the on-call nurse advised me to go to the ER immediately, just to make sure everything was alright. My husband and I headed to the hospital and we hardly had to wait before we were seen.  A nurse practitioner and a nurse came in to try to find the baby’s heartbeat,  They struggled with the doppler for about a half hour before they tried to assure Joe and I that we shouldn’t freak out yet, as a baby under twenty weeks (I think that’s what they said) can have a difficult-to-find heartbeat since it is so small.  

       Shortly after the two women tried to find the heartbeat, an ultrasound tech. Came in and did an ultrasound.  The screen was faced away from us, so we never got to see our baby.  The technician couldn’t tell us anything, so we had to wait for the radiologist to look at and a doctor to come tell us what was going on.  About an hour later, the on-call OBGYN came in and delivered the news that our baby had no heartbeat.  I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage, as the baby was likely dead inside me for 3+weeks and my body didn’t recognize it.  I had a D&C (Dilation & Curettage) scheduled for the next morning. 

     The next day, Joe and I had to fill out our baby’s death certificate.  We didn’t know a gender yet, so we had to guess.  We both thought she was a girl, so we went with that and named her Margaret Kay, the only girl name that we both absolutely adored.  We decided to start trying to conceive again around Thanksgiving 2017.  I found out I was pregnant on December 16, 2017, so likely, this baby was conceived the first or second week we had talked about.  I was scared when I tested positive but I was also so, so excited and hopeful that we’d get our rainbow baby (a live birth following the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, still birth, or neonatal loss) since two miscarriages in a row is rare.

  For two weeks, Joe and I were on top of the world.  We told his parents and my dad about the pregnancy at Christmas time, as well as our siblings and closest friends.  I was so excited to start the new year happily, following a couple months of hell-on-earth.  New Year’s Day, I woke up not feeling great, but attributed it to not getting much sleep the night before. Later that afternoon, the cramps started.  My heart began thumping and I was scared to go to the bathroom, for fear of what I might discover.  I went to the bathroom and felt it happen before I even sat down.  Without going into graphic detail, I miscarried on New Year’s Day 2018. 
       Our most recent loss occurred on December 27, 2018.  I found out I was pregnant on November 11, 2018.  I cried my eyes out at first and was in extreme panic for about an hour after I took that test.  Obviously, I was overjoyed and in love with the little baby inside of me, but after two miscarriages and no answers about why, I was scared about the outcome.  I chose to not Tell anyone I was pregnant except two of my closest friends and my counselor.  I did not want anyone to know until at least got halfway through the pregnancy.  

     On Christmas night, Joe and I agreed to tell his parents that we were expecting again.  Shortly after that, we all went to bed.  As I was going to the bathroom, I noticed some spotting.  Over the next two days, it got worse.  I was about 95% sure what was happening, but held onto the 5% hope that the spotting, which had turned into full-fledged bleeding, was normal and our now-11-week-old baby was healthy and growing normally.  Joe took me to the emergency room the night of December 27.  I had a long ultrasound and after waiting way too many hours, we were delivered the news, that yet again, I was experiencing a miscarriage; the ultrasound showed no heartbeat.  The doctor was concerned about a possible molar pregnancy (when there is another object in the uterine cavity that could be totally benign or it could be indicative of cancer).  Because of that, the doctor at the E.R. called the local Women and Babies hospital and explained the situation.  The on-call doctor there wanted me to come over immediately.

  At this point, it was 2 am and I just wanted to go home and grieve by myself and with my husband.  We went over to the other hospital and were met by several nurses.  I sat in the initial exam room for two hours before the doctor came in and explained that if this was in fact a molar pregnancy, heavy bleeding could occur, so she didn’t want me to go home before she could perform a D&E (same as a D&C except they add suction from a vacuum).  I was admitted to the hospital, took a quick shower, and was able to take a nap from about 8 am to 10:30 am.  I had the procedure done at around 12:30, got back to my room around 3 pm, was able to finally eat and drink something, and after some observation from the nursing staff, was discharged around 5:30.  Joe and I went home, yet again, without a little baby in my belly. 

     And that, friends, is the story of my three miscarriages.  In loving memory of Margaret Kay (6/18/2017-10/9/2017), Paul Joseph (11/27/2017-1/1/2018), and Grace Genevieve (10/28/2018-12-27-2018).

  Surprisingly, since the miscarriages my husband and I have become closer.  I think much of that was due to the fact that we both supported each other when we were at our most vulnerable.  Everything, aside from actually being pregnant, we have done together, from taking tests, to telling loved ones, to going through the feelings that come with recurrent miscarriages to all of the testing we’ve experienced, etc.  Sure, we argue about insignificant things, but overall, I think both of us have grown closer as a couple. 

  The only truly positive things I have found that have come out of these terrible losses is the immeasurable support from family and friends.  We have received flowers, cards, memorial jewelry and key chains, candles, pieces of art, and other small tokens that show just how loved our babies were, and not just by Joe and me.    

   Over the past almost-two years, I have come to realize that I struggle a lot with trying to balance mourning our losses and celebrating their very brief, yet impactful lives.  Some days, I experience gratitude that I got to love three little babies so deeply.  But, on anniversaries, due dates, and Mother’s/Father’s Day, I 100% mourn.  I hope by the 5-year mark, I’ll be able to be more happy than sad.  

  Overall, I think the biggest piece of advice I can offer to others who have experienced loss and/or infertility is, it’s okay to be sad or feel angry.  Negative feelings are normal and totally okay to experience.  Secondly, don’t give up.  I don’t mean to be cliché or anything, but getting support while trying to conceive is super important.  Reach out to doctors, talk openly to your partner, seek out counseling to process your feelings, etc.  Find a higher power and lean on them for strength when it’s hard to find your own.

Note from Okami & Co: We really want to thank Anna for being so brave in sharing her stories of loss. We deeply understand how hard it is for a couple to go through this tragic experience. We only wish the best for Anna and Joe, and hope that they see their rainbow soon.

About Our Author:  My name is Anna Lesher.  I have my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and Master’s in Mental Health Counseling.  Until May 26, 2017, I worked as an outpatient drug & alcohol counselor.  I absolutely loved my job, my coworkers, my clients, etc.  I was good at what I did and I could see a future long-term in counseling, especially with adults dealing with substance use disorders, trauma, eating disorders, and personality disorders.  While I was counseling, I was actively involved in our county’s anti-heroin task force, which helped bring awareness to the opioid epidemic that is running rampant in the area.  I also enjoyed taking walks with my husband and dog and listening to self-improvement audio books.  Follow Anna’s journey on her blog HERE.

Taking a step back when you know you've exhausted your kindness

  We’ve all had that friend that seems like their life is always falling apart at its seams.  When one thing starts to go right, another thing starts to go wrong.  It always seems like this person just can’t catch a break, and you want to do what any good human would do and you want to help them out.

  You listen to their troubles and their woes.  You give advice when they ask for it.  You wipe their tears when they’re falling.  You help find solutions to their problems.  Despite your efforts in helping them, nothing seems to change because they aren’t changing.  They aren’t using the solutions, and they do the same routine and expect a different outcome.  Now it’s come to a point where they’ve exhausted all of your kindness, and you’re starting to feel the burden of their issues weighing down on your shoulders.  Being their friend has now impacted your life that you start to feel the negativity.  It’s become unhealthy. So how do you know it’s time you step away?

Believe patterns, not apologies

  It’s very difficult when you’re in a situation where your friend is constantly doing things that end up hurting you.  Second chances are always something that should be given, but multiple chances time and time again?  Those are hard to come around.  You may think that you’re being a good friend for not giving up on someone, but if it begins to take a toll on your mental well-being, then it’s probably time that you believe their patterns and not their apologies.

  Those apologies may seem sincere, and they may truly need help, but you can’t help anyone if you’re struggling too.  Someone who truly cares about you wouldn’t put you in a position where you’re their fallback when things go wrong, and then continue to damage your relationship.

Coercion into a friendship is not a friendship

  You should never be guilted into staying in a friendship, no matter what the circumstances are.  When someone starts trying to guilt you into a friendship, is it really a friendship or are you just there because you’re afraid of what the outcome would be if you left?

  I struggled with this a lot this past year, and it’s gotten me nothing but sleepless nights and anxiety attacks.  “You said you would always be there for me, but you lied.”  “You never cared about me in the first place, don’t pretend that you do now.”  “I’m going to kill myself because without you all of this would have been for nothing.”

  It’s hard to read, isn’t it?  When you’ve spent so much of your time trying to help someone, and they downgrade your care for them to nothing?  They place the responsibility of their life in your hands, and it’s up to you to stop them from doing anything stupid.  They aren’t showing you that they love you.  They’re placing guilt into your hands if anything were to go wrong, and that’s not cool.

Change comes only when they truly accept your help

  There’s no doubt that being a good friend is being there for each other through thick and thin, but even the strongest of friendships need a break sometimes.  When you’ve been pushed to the limit where your well-being is being sacrificed for the well-being of someone else, it’s time to take that break.  Speaking as a nurse, you can’t help people if you haven’t helped yourself first.  Your friend is going to have to understand that you’ve done all that you can, and that change is only made when they’ve decided that it’s time.  They need to believe it themselves.  They have to start doing things differently if they want a different outcome.  So step back, evaluate your situation, and see if it’s time for you to do some self-care.

Since high school, my friend count has decreased dramatically, and I’m okay with that

Social butterfly to loner ladybug

  I wouldn’t consider myself someone who always had a lot of friends.  I always could count on 2-3 people as my “ride or dies”, but I think I got along with pretty much everyone.  I was never the type to let a lot of people in on my life either.  I kept my relationships on the shallow end of the trust pool, but that’s because I could never let myself open up about things going on in my life.

  Now that I’m an adult, my friend count has gotten even lower.  I definitely consider myself an introvert.  I have a lot of acquaintances from work, clients, and random groups that I’ve joined, but never anyone that I’ve truly deemed worthy of “unloading” things on.  Shout out to those who have really made an impact in my life to where I’ve opened up to you about some dark stuff, y’all know who you are. #AleitaSusanna #SalvajesLocos

I’d rather have 4 quarters instead of 100 pennies

  Honestly, I don’t mind the small interactions that I get with a large group of people, or a client every now and then.  I also can go on very long stretches of not opening up to my best friends, and when we link back up, it’s like we were never apart.  I live for those few friendships.  I’d rather have one or two people know my truth, then have a lot of people know bits and pieces.  I like that I have people who try to understand me, rather than just hear what I have to say and have no input.

I’d like to skip out on the judgment zone

  I’ve found that when I open up about hard times in my life, and the person doesn’t take the time to get to know me as a whole person, they automatically place judgment.  After that judgment is made, then it’s just downhill from there because I’ve been labeled as something other than a person with emotions.  I’ve found that gossip still circulates in the adult world, not just in high school.  Which I’m really surprised, because I’ve also met high schoolers that have behaved better than some adults, which is really sad.

I get to do a lot of self-reflection

  When I’m by myself, I’m alone with my thoughts.  It can be really helpful for me to be able to go through things and figure out what I can do differently to better myself, or it can go really poorly for me.  On my good days, I find myself very productive.  I edit photos. I write blogs.  I walk my dogs longer than 15 minutes.  On my bad days, I curl into a ball in my bed and try to drown out the voices in my head with Hulu.  I write a lot, but it’s often a lot darker.

I admire those people who still try to get to know me, and allow me to get to know them

  I never turn down a chance to get to know a person.  If they’re willing to meet up more than an initial meet up, it usually ends up being a pretty cool friendship.  I don’t think I’m anywhere long enough to become super close to someone, especially with my random work hours, but in today’s society, an e-friendship is better than no friendship, right?  That’s why I’m so connected in today’s blogger world.

Overall, as long as I have my dogs and my husband, I’m cool

  At the end of the day, I’m proud of myself when I make the effort to make it out the door and meet people I don’t normally meet with.  But most days, I’m happy when my husband makes it home, and we’re chillin’ in our undies watching Netflix, playing video games, and cuddling with our puppies.

10 Fun Date Night Ideas For Any Budget

It’s important to keep the love life live, so doing new fun activities is essential for every relationship!

My husband and I have been living separately since we started dating. Back when I was still in college, I lived across the state from him, and sometimes we were a hemisphere apart. It was never easy to go on dates or be together. Our dates usually consisted of dropped or lagged Skype calls, and a lot of WhatsApp message notifications. The days that we did spend together, we had to make the most out of it. We would jam pack a few months in at a time. You could tell it would take a toll on us as soon as we had to leave each others side. Now that we’re somewhat much closer to each other, and more financially stable, we visit each other every weekend, and still make the most of our time.

Related: How To Stay Close ; Surviving the Distance

Whether you live together and see each other every day, or you’re miles apart, it’s always important to work at your love.

There’s no excuse to let your love life die because you’re just not trying hard enough anymore. You have to keep courting your partner because it shows you still appreciate them the way you did during the honeymoon phase. Everyone knows that the phase doesn’t last forever, and you get more comfortable with each other, but that’s why it’s so important! Here are a few ways that Sean and I keep our life together interesting!

Movie dates at home or at the theater

We really enjoy watching movies, but I really enjoy watching them in the comfort of my own home. Mainly because I talk a lot and ask a lot of questions (yes, I’m the annoying one, hush), but also if I get bored, then I can get up and do something else. Sean will continue watching, and then just catch me up when I come back asking a million questions. The only reason I like watching movies in the theaters here in Korea is because they’re more than just a theater. It is truly an experience to go to the movies here with all the random things inside the theater that you can do while you wait. Lastly, their popcorn is the bomb.com. It’s always nice when it’s free ninety-nine at home, but it’s also nice to spend a little cash on a real date to the movies.

Eating out at fun new restaurants pretending we’re Michelin reviewers

The budget can vary on this one depending on whether you do want to eat at a Michelin Star restaurant or if you want to eat in a dive bar. Sean and I usually pick a few pricey places to eat every now and then just because we rarely have the opportunity to dress up. If we do a staycation (stay tuned), then we’ll get dressed up and eat at a nice place. If we’re just at the mall or out in the city, we’ll look up recommended places to eat in the area and review it ourselves. Like Sean has mentioned in his introduction [click!], he values food. Meals is where people connect and learn about each other, so it’s very important to us to be able to communicate over a nice meal.

Staycations in hotels near our home

We love staying in hotels because it allows us to just enjoy each other’s company without having to take our fur children out, or having to cook or clean. Sean does a wonderful job finding 5-star hotels for cheap using the site hotwire.com. We call it “hotel roulette” and it’s probably the most daring game we play every time, because we never know what we’re paying for. So far, it’s worked wonders for us because we always end up in a beautiful hotel. We order room service or go out to their restaurant, and then we usually end the night with some drinks from the lounge bar. We always say we’re going to go swimming in the morning, and it’s only happened once. But swimming can also be a fun side date to your staycation!

Trips to Ikea to fantasize about the kind of home we want

Lately, we’ve been taking trips to Ikea, or even just online shopping for things to fill our home with. Recently it’s been a cute little four legged creature world where we’re trying to fill the house with beautiful things for our dogs. But when we go to Ikea, we’re usually there for hours just looking at the showrooms and saying things like, “this would be so great in the living room!” without realizing we don’t have a house to call our own. So fantasizing is all we have right now for a home. It’s nice to be able to imagine a home with your loved one because it gives you something to look forward to.

Playing video games we bought a long time ago

Sean buys a lot of video games. Sean lets a lot of time pass by before he plays the video games. Recently, we had bought Pokémon, and we were both stuck to our Nintendo Switches for hours on end. We would bond by showing each other what we caught, or how many badges we won so far. We would even battle each other online, (yes, I win each time). And no, he doesn’t let me win, I’m just better than him. Playing video games together can help you bond with each other by cheering each other on. It also brings the playfulness out in both of you which makes the entire memory a happy one. As long as you don’t let the game get the best of you that is!

Laying in bed still in our jammies binging Netflix

This is what we do most of the time when we’re at home. There have been days where we just both felt so lazy, and didn’t want to do anything but lounge around. We’ve gone entire mornings watching the same show, and we have to force ourselves out of the house. I love finding a show that Sean and I can watch together, because we both like very different things. Our most recent addiction is The Good Place starring Kristen Bell. She kills it in that show, and we’re loving it! We also watch a lot of anime shows, and our favorite happens to be about food, Food Wars! I love this type of date because it’s free, unless you decide to be extra lazy and order takeout!

Going to different cafes for a coffee or ice cream

There are hundreds of cafes located in Seoul! Every time we pass by a nice coffee shop, we say, “we’ll check it out one day.” To be honest, that list has grown an exponential amount. We have had a lot of coffee since moving to Korea. We love different coffee places because there’s so many ways to enjoy coffee. Plus being in a different country, there’s always a new kick the coffee. There’s a lot of animal cafes here. So while you’re sipping on your flat white, you can be staring at a wallaby or a raccoon. Or if you’re into music, there’s a really neat vinyl café where you can enjoy your cup of joe and any record you want.

Riding the subway to a random location

Exploring your city can be very fun because you never know where you’ll end up! Today we found out that there was a neighborhood near us that has strips of boutiques and restaurants that we never would have found online. You get to run into cool historical places, random knick-knack stores, and beautiful sights. If you’re located in a city where there’s easy access to the subway, we suggest this, as long as you are safe doing it! Safety is our number one priority, so don’t venture out into a place you know may be dangerous.

Going to a fun location to take pictures together

There are days where I really feel myself and how I look. On those days, I tell my husband that I’m going to get all dolled up and we’re going to go do a spontaneous photoshoot around the city. It’s taken a lot of time to build up my confidence of going out in public and posing in front of the camera, but it’s one of the most fun things we’ve come across. Since we’re both into photography, it helps us push each other to grow in our talent. This date is great because you get pictures for all of your memories and you can use them to fill your idea house from Ikea ;). It doesn’t even have to be a fancy camera! Just pull out your smart phone and snap away.

Road trips to different countries

We take a lot of road trips. This type of date is more like a vacation, and it doesn’t always have to be expensive, but it definitely is the most expensive one out of all the ideas. Road trips can be fun because you really get to know your partner. What else are you going to do while you’re sitting in a car for hours and hours with nowhere else to go? You are forced to talk to each other, unless you’re a crappy co-pilot that falls asleep! Shame on you! Being on road trips is fun for me because I love to sing in the car, and my husband has to put up with my awful singing. It ties in almost all of our ideas from food, photography, and hotels. When planned out correctly, it can be ballin’ on a budget!

Date night doesn’t always have to mean getting dolled up and going out. Date nights are for you and your partner to spend quality time together - whether that’s in a nice suit or your birthday suit. The key to a successful relationship is communication.