honestly, i think i'm just getting sick of staying inside

I can respect anyone from EPTX for being able to stick it out here and love it. Actually, anyone that lives in any kind of desert. I think part of the reason why I’m going so stir crazy is because of being in one place for far too long. If you’ve followed me before, you know that I’m a hard one to keep pinned down. I love traveling to new countries, seeing new places, and just being on the move. So for COVID-19 to shut down all travel and keep me locked in the 300 mile radius of EPTX, you know I’m struggling.

Renewing my blog has forced me to go into our hard drive and pull photos from our past travels and I MISS IT. I miss having something to look forward to. I miss having to plan what to see and where to eat. Which I’m pretty excited (and nervous) for my first US road trip with my family. I’m a little nervous for what’s going to happen since we’ll have our enfant, but it’ll be okay. Baby M will be fine speaking it into existence will make it better.

How has the worldwide lockdown messed with your mental health? Are you thrilled to be at home in your pajamas, or are you pretending your bathtub is a pool in Cancun?

the few things that are really throwing my head for a loop

I’m trying to go back into my phone and look at the things I jotted down since I became this fresh kind of passive suicidal. It’s difficult knowing that this is how I feel even though I should be happy because of everything I’m blessed with. I think that’s what makes it harder for me, because then I just tear myself down even more for feeling ungrateful.

I need to make a list to straighten out my thoughts and figure out what I really need to focus on. Things I can control and then things I can’t control. It’s unfortunate when the things I can’t control are the thoughts that bother me the most, but I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.

Why am I feeling this way again?!

Maybe because I know in a few months, I’ll be making a big life transition into the civilian world. I know everyone says it’s so much better, but the military has been my entire life. Being an Army brat, moving all over the world, having so much structure the past 4 almost 5 years. Now I’m going into this massive world of opportunity where I can decide what I do with my life… but that also means I’m going to have to really work harder than the person next to me to get where I want to be.

I know the transition of motherhood has really taken it’s toll on me. My baby isn’t what you’d call the calmest baby of all. He’s an absolute banshee. He is happy in all of the pictures we post, and for the most part he’s pretty content and happy with what’s going on. Until he isn’t, and then that’s what pushes me over the edge. Especially since I’m a working mom, that goes to work and deals with even more crying babies. Not only do I have to take care of the babies, I have to teach the moms all the things they need to know in order to be equipped for life at home… HOW? When I feel like I can barely do life at home with an infant?!

I’m battling things from my childhood that trickled into my young adulthood. Especially with all of the topics that have been recently coming up in social media (which is why I deleted Facebook), I’ve been getting “triggered” with all of these incessant thoughts. They’re so hard to shake when I find myself in a downward spiral into memory lane. I get angry. I get frustrated. I look at my son and I want to keep him home where no one will ever get to him. How can you trust anyone, when the person that still haunts me was supposed to be someone we “trusted”, a kumpare. It makes me sick.

And there’s something else, something much bigger than all of this but I don’t think it’s worth mentioning right now. I’ll let some people save some face on my road to healing. I just know that the people I’ve decided to surround myself with are people who genuinely care about my wellbeing, and that have consistently shown up whenever I found myself in this exact predicament.

it's been a rough month of mental health

Tomorrow will be one month of me not writing anything on my blog. Honestly, I’ve just had no motivation to write, to take photos, to socialize… Not that I socialized a whole lot anyway, but even more so this past month. I’ve honestly had a lot of anxiety with such a big life transition coming up and personal issues that have just taken it’s toll on me for the last seventeen years. And honestly, even though I feel like I’m completely falling apart, I’m holding it together pretty well compared to my last episode.

I’m handling this relatively well. Well, much better than 2019’s shit show.

I’m not drinking my liver away, I can’t even finish a beer most of the time. I haven’t smoked a single cigarette. I haven’t scratched my face or my arms off. And I’ve only been *almost admitted one time, but I think I was cunning enough to convince them to put me in a new outpatient program rather than an inpatient program. But sometimes I think going inpatient would be beneficial, but only during the times that I feel like I’m going to let myself slip into a deep, deep depression. I think I’m pretty aware of how I’m doing since I keep tabs on myself.

Am I moody? Does my husband mention that I’m more irritable and mean? Am I eating regularly? What are my physical manifestations? I keep track of these things because my old therapist said he wanted to find a pattern. Have I found anything out? Not really. Except for the fact that the worst physical manifestation of anxiety has got to be the nausea and vomiting when I’m hungry. I might as well be pregnant again (I’m not, I checked.)

There are definitely some topics that trigger my anxiety, and two of them have come up recently. Part of me wants to keep it a secret, the other part of me wants to put it on blast to the world. I don’t think I’m ready for that though, so I’ll sit here with it, like I always have. It’s just so disappointing, really.

In the past two years, I have become more aware of those who really mean well and genuine friends and family. I know that these are the people that even if we’re out of touch for some time, they’ll still defend me and stand with me; not become defensive toward me and leave me. I thank my extremely small circle of trust for keeping me afloat and for showing me what compassionate love is in dark times.

I hope that whatever therapy I’m supposed to start helps. Last time I almost got hit by a car because I was so zoned out driving into oncoming traffic after therapy. T_T. I hope that is not the case this time. Maybe I can actually make some progress in finding some level ground in my head and not constantly think that my baby would be better off without me. Here’s to therapy 3.0 and another slew of psychiatric medications to trial and error with. So. exciting.

We're here for you

Where do we stand with all that is going on?

I feel like this post is something I’ve been wanting to write, but honestly… I’ve been so nervous to say the wrong thing or be misunderstood. So I’m going to preface this post with: I’m trying to learn. As a non-black person of color, I do have experience in what racism is like, but definitely not to the extent that Blacks have had to deal with. Trying to find the right words to relay how I feel about all that’s going on is hard. I’ve been ear-deep in podcasts, and I’ve probably read more history this past week than I had to in high school.

There’s so much that goes into the movement for equal rights and against police brutality. Far more than what I could learn in a couple of weeks.

It’s hard to even try to find where to begin. As a second-generation immigrant, my parents moved to the United States in search of a better life than what they had in the Philippines. Both of my parents joined the military and made sacrifices to make a better life for our family. America is where it’s at, right? Then why does it seem like life is just a tad bit better living elsewhere? I’ve lived overseas more than half of my life, to include the Philippines, Germany, Japan, and Korea. I remember when I was a kid, everyone would get so hyped to fly back to the states for vacations, me included. Filipinos break their backs over work visas or school visas just to come to the states, and I’m sure that’s the case for other countries as well. It’s the land of opportunity where you can “chase the American dream”. Well I want to inquire with y’all…

What the fuck is the American Dream? Cause I know this ain’t it.

Making something out of nothing? Pulling yourself up by your boot straps to keep on truckin’ along? Fake it until you make it? Big house with a wrap around porch and picket fence? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. What I do know, is when I pictured the American Dream, I didn’t picture it being so much harder for BIPOC to achieve the same goals that non-BIPOC people have. I didn’t picture a life where people were rude to each other because of you having a little more melanin and a lot more curl to your hair. I didn’t picture the bullying, segregation, and discrimination that still happens today. And I think that I’ve gotten so complacent on policing people for their discrimination. It’s sad to see that it’s a norm for BIPOC people to be treated differently. Well, I notice it, and I admit to have had the thoughts: “I guess this is just the way things are.”

I feel awful not doing anything because “it’s just the way things are"

Graphic by @KristinaMicotti

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I’m done being complacent, and it’s time to use my voice and stand up for equality.

I think this covert-racist behavior is so deeply rooted in my upbringing of literally being white-washed with Papaya whitening soap and Eskinol that I’ve just accepted this stupid socially-made hierarchy of skin color. And I think that’s why I have to start with myself and changing my behaviors. It’s active work to become an ally for Blacks.

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I learned a lot when I became an Equal Opportunity Leader back in Korea, and that’s when I began looking into my biases that I kept in “my bag". It’s time for me to empty that bag. I do appreciate all of my friends who have been posting helpful articles, websites, movies, documentaries, and various resources to learn from. What I do know is that police brutality is very real and it can be very scary at these protests that have the potential to turn violent. I know that so many people did not deserve to die the way they did at the hands of people who are employed to protect the community. I know that the life my Black brothers and sisters lead are different than my own, and I don’t want them to have to raise their kids to “be a certain way” so it “doesn’t happen to them.” That’s fucked up.

That’s not the kind of world I want my son to live in. Looking back at these MLK Jr. photos and Civil Rights Movements, you’d think that it was way before our time… but it wasn’t. For some of our grandparents it could be a “seems like it was just yesterday” kind of story. It’s time that a proper reconciliation happen.

Listen to what BIPOC have to say. Fight to end police brutality. And say their names.

Graphic from NPR Code Switch, “A Decade of Watching Black People Die”

We can fight this together.

It's Halftime: Mental resiliency tips for rallying during 2020

I read a meme the other day on Facebook saying how 2020 was different levels of Jumanji, and it’s crazy how accurate that feels. So let’s do a lil recap on some of the events of 2020:

• January: Almost WW3

• February: Australia is up in flames; Maverick enters my world

• March: Coronavirus takes over the world; Toilet Paper becomes gold

• April: Kim Jong Un in a vegetative state rumors; scared of the Auntie that will take over NK

• May: Murder Hornets from Hunger Games released to keep it lively

• June: Ebola: the Sequel & #BLM movements

It’s been a lot to take in. It seems like just yesterday, everyone reconnected over the interwebs due to social distancing and lock downs across the globe. Now it seems like everyone is more divided than ever. The news and social media can be exhausting if it’s all you look at. While it is important to stay informed of current world events and the status of our country, it’s also important to be able to take a moment to reground and recenter yourself.

Mental resiliency is so important if you want to keep yourself from burning out.

Unplug: Take a night off from all social media and news

It’s so much easier to say than it is to do this. You want to be connected. Going through the pandemic, we’ve become even more glued to our social outlets. Which is another reason why it’s a good idea to take a break from it sometimes. Put the phone down and take a breath. Rest your eyes from that ridiculous blue light that gives you life from the moment you wake up to right before your close your eyes for bed. Constant exposure to traumatic events can really take it’s toll on you.

If you’re out there trying to fight the good fight, you need to take care of yourself.

Watch a lighthearted movie or listen to feel-good music

Whenever I don’t feel good, I throw on a sing-a-long movie like any Disney classic. Right now, Maverick has been pretty happy watching Mulan, so that’s the one we go with. Or we’ll play Bruno Mars on Google Play and just dance. Music has this amazing ability to put you in a different mindset.

(Safely) gather with friends and laugh

Sometimes all you need to do is get with friends and just laugh about things. Remember with all that is going on, it is still okay to be happy with your friends. I know that when as a nurse, me and my friends have experienced some pretty sad shit together. The job gets crazy and overwhelming at times, and we literally have to laugh our way through it. If we didn’t, I doubt that any of us would be in this career field still.

Meditate

It’s so much easier said than done to sit still and not think about anything. With the overwhelming amount of information coming at you, it’s hard to redirect your thought elsewhere. Apps such as Calm or Headspace are really great to provide guided meditation. Or even throwing on some chill lo-fi music and just sitting in a room staring out the window can be super helpful as well. If you want to take in the next step further, make an account on doyogawithme.com and take some free yoga classes. Focus on nothing but your breath and the muscle you’re stretching.

Seek therapy if the events have become too overwhelming

Everything you’re going through right now is valid. Whether it’s battling the health crisis of COVID-19, or realizing how close racism is to your home. Whether it’s you personally experiencing it, or if it’s a friend or family member going through it. If you are starting to feel very down and depressed, or anxious, or scared (more than usual), you should seek professional help. Talking it out with someone who won’t judge you can be very helpful.

Be there for one another!

We all want to be strong and stick together, so check in on your friends and family.

Some of your friends and family may be overwhelmed but won’t voice their personal concerns to anyone. So take the time to check in with them to see how they’re being affected by this. It is a lot to take in during the first half of 2020. This is halftime! So rally your team up, give that pep talk, ground yourselves, and get back in the game stronger.