I’m trying to go back into my phone and look at the things I jotted down since I became this fresh kind of passive suicidal. It’s difficult knowing that this is how I feel even though I should be happy because of everything I’m blessed with. I think that’s what makes it harder for me, because then I just tear myself down even more for feeling ungrateful.
I need to make a list to straighten out my thoughts and figure out what I really need to focus on. Things I can control and then things I can’t control. It’s unfortunate when the things I can’t control are the thoughts that bother me the most, but I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.
Why am I feeling this way again?!
Maybe because I know in a few months, I’ll be making a big life transition into the civilian world. I know everyone says it’s so much better, but the military has been my entire life. Being an Army brat, moving all over the world, having so much structure the past 4 almost 5 years. Now I’m going into this massive world of opportunity where I can decide what I do with my life… but that also means I’m going to have to really work harder than the person next to me to get where I want to be.
I know the transition of motherhood has really taken it’s toll on me. My baby isn’t what you’d call the calmest baby of all. He’s an absolute banshee. He is happy in all of the pictures we post, and for the most part he’s pretty content and happy with what’s going on. Until he isn’t, and then that’s what pushes me over the edge. Especially since I’m a working mom, that goes to work and deals with even more crying babies. Not only do I have to take care of the babies, I have to teach the moms all the things they need to know in order to be equipped for life at home… HOW? When I feel like I can barely do life at home with an infant?!
I’m battling things from my childhood that trickled into my young adulthood. Especially with all of the topics that have been recently coming up in social media (which is why I deleted Facebook), I’ve been getting “triggered” with all of these incessant thoughts. They’re so hard to shake when I find myself in a downward spiral into memory lane. I get angry. I get frustrated. I look at my son and I want to keep him home where no one will ever get to him. How can you trust anyone, when the person that still haunts me was supposed to be someone we “trusted”, a kumpare. It makes me sick.
And there’s something else, something much bigger than all of this but I don’t think it’s worth mentioning right now. I’ll let some people save some face on my road to healing. I just know that the people I’ve decided to surround myself with are people who genuinely care about my wellbeing, and that have consistently shown up whenever I found myself in this exact predicament.