I don't even know what to write anymore.

Every day this week I’ve told myself that I wanted to write a blog. Just so I could do something that can serve as a brain dump to my electronic therapist on how the past two weeks have been going. Since leaving my intensive therapy program, I’ve had a mental breakdown every day, which resulted in me getting drunk and going on Instagram to tell the world that I was tired and a bunch of other things I don’t quite remember. Rolling into Monday of this week, my son is admitted to the hospital for sicknesses we don’t quite understand yet. I just know that my son might be the next living bubble boy at this point.

Last week I said I was tired of being strong, but being strong is all I can be right now. I need to be strong, not even just for me, but for my baby, for my husband… Another task to test my mental fortitude. Something to come my way and see if this is what breaks me this time. Honestly, if any of the worst case scenarios in my head happened, it would break me. I wouldn’t even know what to do. I won’t write them into existence, just know that it’s where my head is at right now.

I look at my baby, who was once thriving, joking, laughing, and crawling around my home… laying in a bed with fluids and antibiotics and no energy to play with blocks or read books… and he naps more than half the day away… It hurts me to see him like this.

So yeah… I’m tired… but if I have to throw on a smile in front of my baby boy and pretend like I have the energy, then that’s what I’ll do… Because if he sees me in good spirits, maybe he’ll be in good spirits too…

Jumping into parenthood: finally a party of just 3

We were really fortunate to have so much help from Sean’s parents last year. Due to COVID, my MIL and FIL’s stay was thoroughly extended to 9.5 months of help. This benefited us in being able to keep Maverick from enrolling into daycare at what seemed to be the faux-height of the pandemic. It also helped me a lot when I became anxious and stressed and sank into postpartum depression multiple times throughout the year. Now that we’ve welcomed a cousin into the picture, we have had to pass on our help elsewhere.

The most recent vacation we took was an extensive 5-day road trip from West Texas to Southern Washington. It was probably the longest 10-days (there and back) of my life. Confined to a car crammed with stuff, sitting next to my baby while he has Cocomelon on blast, my husband has music playing, and Maverick just screaming at the top of his lungs to come out of his car seat. It was not at all what I had expected the journey would be. Maverick used to sleep soundly in his car seat, but for whatever reason, he decided to change that Day 1 of vacation.

I’ve definitely had to strengthen my left arm lugging him around the house while multitasking chores, making myself coffee and lunch, and picking up all the things around the house. He’s in this phase where he’s on extreme stranger danger and is clingy as all hell to me. The moment I try to set him down I can feel his toes and his fingers sink into my skin for dear life, as if the floor was lava and he actually knew that it would swallow him whole.

Parenthood without help is not easy. I applaud all the parents, moms and dads, that do this on a daily basis. This stay at home thing is not for the feint of heart. I’m terrified about what the future brings because I know it’ll put distance between our family. Deployments are nothing new to Sean and I, but it’s definitely something that will be new to experience with a baby. I’m just hoping that everything works out in our favor, and we’re on our way home sooner than later…

easier said than done

I get frustrated when my son cries at night, even though I know it’s all part of his development. He’s most likely teething and in pain, but the sound of his cry triggers more anxiety than it does nurturing. That’s hard for me. My husband will say, “we have to remember that he’s a baby and that’s how he communicates.” Of course I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that my head starts throbbing and my emotions become overwhelmed when it happens.

I say, “I didn’t sign up for this.” I signed up to be a mom to a baby, and I know what it takes to care for a child. But I didn’t sign up to be a mom with postpartum depression trying to heal from her own trauma and ptsd all at once. I didn’t sign up to be the mom that needed to time nursing and pumping sessions with medications to make sure I got the least amount of medications in it. I didn’t sign up to be the mom who needed her husband to lock up her medications because she wanted to take all of them at once when things became too much to handle.

I wish I could be like every mom I know right now, happily watering plants and rocking the whole “working mom” thing and making fucking bento box lunches for everyone in the family. But I’m gonna settle for the “trying to keep it together while faking like we’re doing okay” kind of mom right now, and that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

Tips on how I increased my milk supply

Pumping can be incredibly discouraging. It’s tiring. It’s tedious. It’s time-consuming. You can’t just strap the flanges on and let the machine go full speed on your boobs and expect good results. Pumping is an active process that you have to engage in. If you watch your LO (little one) nurse, they tend to vary in speed and depth of their suckle, so what makes you think you can pump at one speed and suction for a full 40 minutes and have the same outcome? The answer is you can’t. And honestly, you have to be in the right mindset with all the factors in place for it to be a good pump session. Being positioned wrong, having the wrong bra, being dehydrated - these all can have an impact on your output. So I’ve put together some tips that have worked for me and a few of my friends.

But first, disclaimer: The content on my website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.

So not all of these will work instantaneously. It’s going to take some time and a whole lot of patience to see changes. Be kind to yourself, mama. You’re going to do great, you ARE doing great. You are a great mama no matter how baby is fed, whether it’s breastmilk for formula. But if you’re really wanting to breastfeed, I hope these tips help you toward that goal!

Seek assistance from a lactation consultant

Before you discharge from the hospital, ask to speak with the lactation consultant. You want to make sure that you get your baby’s latch assessed. If your baby’s not latched correctly, it can really do some damage to your nipples making breastfeeding harder than it already is. If you plan on pumping, it’s a good idea to bring your pump in to be sized for the correct flange. It’s also good to ask how to pump to get the most out. Sometimes you think that something is meant to be easy, one click of the button type of thing, but pumping is much more than that. Write all your questions down before you deliver, so you get the most out of the session. When you go home and you need help troubleshooting it, see if you can speak with a lactation consultant at baby’s follow up appointment. You can always ask for help.

Ensuring you’re using the correct flange sizing

As I mentioned above, using the correct flange size is important. You won’t be emptying your breast effectively if it’s too big, and it can really damage your nipples if it’s too small. This is one reason to bring your pump when you deliver. Sometimes using lubrication like approved nipple balms can help prevent chafing as well.

Using thermal packs to help with your letdown

I find that when my breast are “warmed up” (literally…) they put out the most milk. That’s why I like to pump after a warm shower. If not, I’d say invest in some thermal packs that you can just pop in the microwave and place on your chest before you pump. Sometimes that helps with the letdown, and it can actually make it feel a little better. My letdown is very painful, so the heat packs really help relieve that pain.

Hand expressing to help stimulate your breast

In the earlier days of lactation, right after birth, you’ll notice that your milk is super thick and can look gold. This is that nutrient dense colostrum you’ve heard about! It’s extremely hard to get out with a breast pump on those first few days, so the best way to collect it is by hand expression. The important thing to remember when using your hands to express milk is that you want your fingers to be at the BASE of your nipple, and instead of “pressing” your fingers together to “squeeze it”, you want to press STRAIGHT BACK against your chest and COMPRESS forward. If you squeeze at the nipple, you’re going to get sore, but you’re also pinching off the milk ducts where the milk would come out. Always hand express after pumping because the pump will leave behind some of that fatty hind milk!

National Breastfeeding Week: An appreciation post for all mommas who tried their best

Like most mothers, I had already set a goal for myself to breastfeed my child as soon as he was born. As a nurse, I was obsessed with the thought that all of my knowledge and experience helping other moms breastfeed, that it would come naturally to me. Although it felt like it did, my son didn’t gain a lot of weight, still experienced jaundice, and was supplemented with formula. In those early weeks, I was really hard on myself.

Maverick’s first feed, straight out the womb

Breastfeeding is a lifestyle choice that mothers make. It is something that many mothers work at because let’s be real, this shit is hard. It consumes an unimaginable amount of time throughout the day whether you’re pumping or feeding your baby straight from the teet. On average, I spend almost 4 hours of my day pumping or nursing Maverick - a lil boy that STILL loves to nurse at night. And to protect my supply, I will force myself out of slumber and hold those flanges up to pump milk out, even if it’s just 2 ounces.

Breastfeeding is a commitment. When others say, “at least you get a break from your kid when you go to work, etc.” Is it really a break? Can I use pumping as “an excuse” to take a break from work? Because I can tell you that it’s the last thing from being relaxing. Pumping is hard work. It’s stressful. And when you don’t make as much as you thought you would, it’s heartbreaking. Knowing that you are your baby’s sole nutrition, there’s a lot riding on these “relaxing pump sessions” everyone gives moms such a hard time about.

Breastfeeding is tough, but so are you momma. Remember all that you’re doing for your baby. Enjoy that bond that only you and your baby have during those late night, early morning nursing sessions. I applaud all of you for doing your best.

Whether you breastfed for a few days, a few weeks, 6 months, or you’re still going - you did that for your baby. Celebrate that.