more nightmares about genuine fears

Last night I had another nightmare, but it wasn’t anything like the night before. This time it was me, Mav, and Sean going into this giant home. Most of the windows were boarded up, but you were still able to see inside. The entire time during the dream, I was moving Mav and I under windows and behind objects to stay out of sight from someone who was going around the house trying to look at us. The feeling that someone was trying to see if Mav was inside to take him so they could hurt him. It started out slow from window to window, but it quickly picked up speed. The biggest fear I had was being seen by this person (unknown who it was) and that they get a glimpse of Mav and take him from me.

This is a genuine fear of mine, ever since I was pregnant. I did not like the feeling of having someone watch my every move and read things that were so personal to me - especially for their own mental gain. This happened to me before. My medical privacy was breeched last year and I only found out because I did an audit on all of my records to see if anyone outside of my providers had been viewing them, and surely enough, there was. I think this is that fear manifesting itself into a dream now, one that I’m not comfortable with at all.

fucking nightmares

I hate when I have nightmares, especially the ones where you wake up relieved and go back to sleep just to go right back into it. That’s what happened to me last night. It was two different nightmares that I kept going back and forth from, or maybe it was the same one but different times in the same place? I don’t know. They were new nightmares though, ones I had never had before. That’s probably why I felt so shook when I woke up. Usually when I have nightmares, it’s me stuck in a loop in my old neighborhood in Germany. This time, I was in a house that seemed familiar, but also new.

The beginning of my nightmare started with me and Mav on a ride. The ride wasn’t secured, so I had to hold Mav with one hand and the seat with the other. The ride got faster and faster and we were being tossed around until we finally launched into what looked like a window. We crashed into a dark hallway, and Mav was limp. His eyes were barely opening, and he was barely responsive. I was running around trying to call for help, but no one would help me. They said I shouldn’t have done that if I knew what was going to happen. They said it was my fault. All I did was cry and cry. When I woke up, my heart was racing - but was put at ease when I was able to touch Mav’s warm body next to me, sound asleep.

The next part of the dream was me wandering these hallways that seemed so familiar. I was looking for a restroom that looked like something out of Harry Potter, lol. But no one would come with me because spirits were wandering in the hallways. One spirit in particular kept following me, it was a shadow of a woman that I couldn’t make out. I kept trying to escape the area she was in, but she kept popping up. I woke up again. It was hard to sleep. I kept going in and out of my dreams, and each time, touching Mav’s body to make sure he was alive.

Today was a pretty rough day. I really hope I never have that nightmare again.

bent necked lady and why I was so afraid

It took me exactly 2 years to watch the Haunting of Hill House. I watched the first episode with Sean last year and when I saw the bent neck lady, I told him that it was a series that I was not willing to watch. Not in fear of the bent neck lady, but the fear of living through what the show was going to go through. After watching it, there are some things that completely hit home for me where I could say, “yeah I can completely relate to that. fuck.” other things, I was just like, “meh that’s stupid.”

But looking back at it, it was… well, kind of the bent neck lady that scared me. I would find myself afraid at night to go to sleep or to even think her name aloud. It wasn’t her that I was afraid of, it was the image of my brother hanging that I was afraid of. I don’t think I’ve ever written that in my blog. I always mention my brother committed suicide, but I never mentioned how - he was a bent neck boy. So to close my eyes, and see my brother as my own personal bent neck figure, is probably the scariest thing that I can imagine. Because sometimes, I imagine it is a bent neck lady, but that lady is me.