It's been awhile...

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything. It almost felt like I didn’t need to write anything down and I didn’t need to express what I felt through writing. But I won’t be letting myself go down that route again. I refuse to turn around and lose the progress I’ve made with my mental health. I did not fight my way out of depression through extensive treatments, medication changes, and ongoing therapy just to have a group of people kick me back down. I refuse.

I don’t even know how to write about anything yet, but I’ll find my voice again.

Homeless woman struck on I5 Northbound

That’s what I imagined the title would be if an article were written about her. I didn’t know her name. I didn’t know her background story. It wasn’t the kind of patient death I was used to. I typically know why my patients code, or why they pass. I usually know the background story of their life, and I get to know them. But this one hit me differently in the heart. I didn’t know a single thing about her. I don’t even know if she was homeless, but looking at her disheveled clothing and overall appearance, it was unlikely that she had access to a home.

It was my first day of work and I was driving on I5 North, right before Tukwila when I saw her body get struck by the van in front of me, and flip into the adjacent lane. Luckily no one else had hit or run her over. I pulled over as quickly as I could when I realized that it was not a jacket that flew out of a car. I ran back with my stethoscope to check on she was doing. I checked her heart rate, her pulse, and watched her take in agonal breaths. (death breathing).

Luckily someone pulled up with a first aid kid that had gloves, and I checked her body for any obvious wounds. The wound that I knew would cost her her life was the one directly to the back of her head where she struck concrete. Her hat laid next to her filled with gelatinous red goop. Her black messy hair tangled around the wound. It wasn’t looking like anything was going in her favor. I stayed with her while someone was on the phone with 911, awaiting paramedic and police arrival. Another nurse was with me watching her breathe. We kept yelling to “stay with us,” “it’s going to be okay.” I kept providing sternal rubs to try and keep her awake. Nothing came from her mouth except froth. I tried to check her capillary refill but her fingernails were so blackened, like she had been cold for so long. Every moment that passed, my heart broke a little more.

This woman with no name and no story was dying in front of me, surrounded by traffic instead of family. Surrounded by strangers and not friends. By the time I was handed a police report for my statement, the paramedics had secured her to a stretcher, and I watched her be taken away. I cried and I shook as I watched her leave. I would never know the outcome, but I knew deep down inside that it would be hard to bring her back from a head trauma that severe. Her pupils fixed and dilated. Gasping for breaths.

The image haunts me at night. The image plays in the back of my mind as I drive down the freeway. My eyes scan the street for where her blood was now washed away by the PNW rain. People say I was meant to be there in that specific moment, for her. Some people say that I could’ve been the thing between life and death. But the only thought I have left of her is her image and her blood stain on my white sweater. The only thing I have for her, is my prayers that wherever she is, she’s at peace, and hoping that all the people are right about her being okay.

The last thing you are is alone; help end the stigma

I have been posting a lot more lately, and what I’ve recognized is that there are so many people out there that feel the way that I do. It really sucks to know that so many of my friends are also experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, and self-doubt. It hurts me so much to know that. But here’s the thing, we can build community in all of this. You need to know that you are not alone, and it’s proven through those who like my posts and those who have the bravery to comment their feelings and thoughts. So if there’s so many of us that experience these things, then why is there such a great stigma? I don’t know either. I know that there are some things that we should stop joking about and saying to each other though, and here are some examples.

“Everyone has bad days, you’ll have better a better day tomorrow”

Having a mental illness is more than just being sad or angry or feeling a passing sense of anxiety. It’s an imbalance of brain chemistry that requires therapy and/or medication for the person to feel a sense of normalcy. It leaves people at a higher risk for physical manifestations like tachycardia, high blood pressure, panic attacks, and even suicidal ideations. It’s more than just a bad day; every day is a battle.

“All you need to do is be positive”

I’ve already said my piece on toxic positivity and how it isn’t helpful or conducive to those going through therapy. It’s more than just having a positive outlook. Sometimes you can’t help but feel the dread of life weighing down on your entire body. It’s feeling hopeless that nothing can get better. It’s feeling guilty knowing you’re “so blessed” but you still feel this way. The symptoms can be debilitating and a positive outlook won’t change that.

“Did you forget to take your meds today?”

I wish someone would say this to me, but in a way where they’re genuinely concerned that I forgot to take my medications. I take a total of 5 medications, 3 of which I am maxed out on dosage. Psychiatric medications are nothing to be joked about since they are carefully monitored when given. They can’t be stopped cold turkey, since the pain of withdrawal and being sent into a downward spiral are so high. They can be a lifesaver to those who are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other forms of mental illness, and should only be used by those who are seeing a provider.

“Why are you always so stressed/anxious?”

It’s not that we want to be stressed and anxious, we have no choice to be this way. Anxiety and anxiety disorder are so different. Healthy anxiety can be a response to an issue that arises but is quickly resolved with logical thinking and reasonable support/solutions. Anxiety disorder is something that you live with constantly. It shows up in things like obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks, C/PTSD, and other disorders. It’s something that can only be helped by therapy and medication use.

“You aren’t strong/You’ve got to be stronger”

WOW. NO. Just DON’T EVER think that you are weaker than people because you are suffering from a mental illness. Mental illness does not discriminate on who it effects. As proven through those who are successful like good ol’ Robin Williams (rip) who have committed suicide. It does not mean that you are weak. It means you are strong enough for being able to endure such hardships and still get through life. It means you are able to reach out for help when you know you need it. And even if you haven’t reached out for help yet, you’re strong enough to still be here. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can’t help, and for you to be here still, I commend you friend.

Holiday triggers and how to cope

It’s the happiest and merriest time of the year, so why is my anxiety through the roof? Have you ever asked yourself this when those “-ber” months come around? You know, September, October, November, December. In the Philippines, the -ber months are considered the Christmas holidays, just for those who didn’t know, lol.

But if you’ve been this person who gets more anxious during the holidays, it could be from anything that triggers you to remember a traumatic memory, or the anxiety of reuniting with people who have hurt you emotionally, physically, or mentally. These can exacerbate emotions that you used to be able to control throughout the year. They can also give you physical symptoms of anxiety such as racing heart, high blood pressure, dizziness, or even nausea. Either way, there are exercise you can do to practice controlling your emotions and reactions to these triggers.

What are some things that can be triggering during the holidays?

Booze

Did you know that alcohol consumption is almost 70% higher in the last two weeks of December than the rest of the year? Isn’t that some wild statistic? But that comes to no surprise. As merry and gay as everything is, alcohol is a top item to be gifted during the holidays. Whether it’s in an actual gift, or bringing it to a house party. The infamous eggnog, gluhwein, and champagne make their appearance throughout the months of November and December. It’s hard to escape, and the peer pressure to drink is heavy.

Food

There’s no mistake that starting the holidays with one of the most glutinous days, Thanksgiving, makes it hard for those who are in recovery for an eating disorder. Booze isn’t the only thing that increases during these festive months. Cookies, pies, cakes, and other desserts make their appearance, along with other fatty foods. Recovery is hard when you’re pressured to eat more. It’s even harder when you have your old aunt Karen breathing down your neck on how fat or how skinny you’ve gotten since she last saw you. A tip this holiday season is to just not comment on anyone’s weight. Mind ya business, or I’ll eat you.

Loss or Loneliness

I’ve definitely felt the pain of missing a loved one on Christmas day. The first Christmas I spent without my brother, and the first Christmas I spent without my best friend Jacob. Whether you’re suffering from depression due to the loss of a loved one, or simply because you can’t be with family this holiday season… it can be rough. The best way I’ve combatted this is celebrating in their honor if they’ve passed. And there is always Skype when you’re a world away from each other.

Family

Sometimes we move away from home to get away from certain family members. And sometimes the holidays bring us back because we want to see only certain family members, so we put up with the ones we don’t want to see. Sometimes history of abuse can effect how your holidays go as well because of past memories. Research actually shows that sometimes people miss their abusers due to good memories of the holidays, and they forget about the abuse. Tell me that isn’t triggering!

How to handle the situations

Prepare yourself and identify your triggers

Ask yourself “what is it about the holidays that hurt you so much, and are there ways that you can possibly avoid it all together?” If not, make a small list of grounding skills that you can practice when you get too anxious. It can be particularly difficult to avoid all of your triggers when in America; the holidays seem to throw up everywhere with it’s songs, Christmas lights, holiday scents, foods, etc. If you’re riddled with anxiety, you’re almost likely to experience sensory overload as well. This all can be overwhelming. This is why grounding skills can be so important during the holidays. Whether it’s wearing ear buds to listen to your own music, using the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, or having to splash water on your face to bring yourself back to center, do whatever works for you.

Set boundaries for yourself and others and stick to them

You are in charge of your holiday season, remember that. You get to decide who you see and who you don’t see. You get to decide which parties you want to attend, and when you want to leave those parties. You can set the standard for yourself if you feel safe to do so with your loved ones. Or if you don’t feel comfortable in telling your entire family, entrust someone with what your boundaries are so they can help you navigate the event. Whether that’s not being offered any alcohol, bringing up memories that are hurtful to you, or asking about your weight, you are allowed to have boundaries. And remember, you’re always allowed to leave if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and unheard.

Talk with your friends or your therapists to keep you grounded

Although holiday travel is common, that doesn’t mean your friends or your therapist can’t be reached. Luckily, in today’s age, friends are available at your fingertips via text. It probably wouldn’t be best to ring your therapist every 5 minutes during the holidays, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do a quick check in with them to practice some quick grounding techniques.

How therapy changed my life: A delve into my sorrows

I started therapy when I was a college student. I had gotten into an altercation with my roommate that caused her to move out. I had broken a door and punched a hole into the wall. I was an angry mess when I was younger. My issues always caused people to distance themselves from me. I had a lot of self-doubt and suicidal ideations when I was younger as well. My brother and best friend had committed suicide, I had moved a world away from my family, and I had no friends stateside.

I threw myself at boyfriends to gain some self-confidence which didn’t help me out. I got into physical altercations with some of my exes, that lead to heartbreak and even more self-doubt. I was cheated on multiple times, and each time I met the girl, it was harder for me to understand what the problem was: me. I was the problem for myself, always putting myself in situations that were undeniably toxic. I kept going back to the same guy even though he had physically dragged me out of our apartment because I was texting a guy about school. He was the guy that told me I was not ladylike enough and that I was lucky to have him. It was stupidity that lead me down that path. Blindness, ignorance, whatever it is that you want to call it. I got caught up in binge drinking and drugs that I shouldn’t have been taking just to take the edge off of me.

I’ve been beaten. I’ve been sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by boyfriends and even someone that was supposed to be considered family. I’ve been mistreated and I’ve been down some rough paths that I wish I hadn’t gone down. I’ve been stalked, my medical records have been breached before. I’ve worried about my security, my safety, my son. I’ve even had to fight myself from hurting myself, my husband, and even my son.

All of this is why I got into therapy. Therapy helped get me out of these situations, and now I’m in a much better situation with my best friend, Sean, that helps me through everything. You don’t have to be like me where you post your entire life online, but you can seek therapy in confidence. Most benefit plans cover you to seek therapy, and if not, then there’s always things like Better Help or Doctors on Demand that you can pay for out of pocket. I know it’s a jump to say that everyone has the money to seek therapy, but there are so many other resources out there. I’ll try to list some later after some research of my own.

As many of you know, I’ve gone through Intensive Outpatient Psychotherapy. I was admitted to that for almost 6 months. I was also admitted to the inpatient unit twice for postpartum psychosis and once for suicidal ideation with intent. It took a long time for me to open up in therapy, but with the right therapist, and the right type of therapy, you can gain so much of your life back. You can work through the traumas that you’ve gone through, and you can work for a better future toward a better self.

It’s been a year and some change since I started intensive therapy, and I can say that I’ve gained so much of my independence back. There are still some things that I refuse to do alone, and there are times where I still lose my absolute shit, but I can say that I’ve come such a long way from last year. It helps me to know that I’m not alone with all of those who have been on this journey with me, and I thank you all for that. I thank you all for sticking through it with me, commenting, liking, and messaging me personally to say that my writing has helped you.

So here I am, a completely open book, ready to start a new chapter in my life as I transition out of the military. I’m ready to be a great mom, a great wife, and an even better friend. So, cheers to us. All of us. Because I’m bringing you all to the top with me.