I don’t think I was really ready for that kind of news so early in the morning prior to starting my day. I was so caught off guard that it affected my morning pretty significantly. Usually when I’m encountered with someone’s passing I’m met with shock first. The disbelief that someone who was breathing is now a person waiting to be buried or cremated. I usually don’t have any emotions attached to that shock. I’m normally numb and it takes awhile for it to really hit me.
Today was a little different… well, very different. It hurt instantly. I could feel my heart drop, my body become heavy, weakness seep into every muscle fiber… But I overcame that feeling with becoming angry. I was angry this morning. Mad at everyone and everything that wasn’t going my way. Because anger is an easier emotion to deal with than sadness. It’s easier to yell and scream than it is to sit and cry and feel hurt. So I was angry. I was aggressive.
I’m thankful for people in my group and my extremely patient therapist that helped talk me through a lot of what was going on in my head. Because today I did have a craving to drink and I did have a craving to smoke, and instead, I went to group.
I guess that’s growth.