Making my mentality a priority
It’s been 18 weeks since I’ve come off of all of my psychiatric medications. If you were following me before, you’d know that I was on a vast amount of different medications to help me pull myself out of a very dark time in my life. When I found out that I was carrying my little baby bean, I made it a priority to have my providers safely wean me off of these medications. This was not an easy feat. The happiness I felt from learning I was expecting was not always enough to make me forget about the pain and trauma I’d felt before.
I was safely weaned off of my medications prior to leaving South Korea, but I was left without any continuity of care for my transition back to the states. I felt that this was detrimental to my coping abilities. Most days, I was okay because I was busy traveling and visiting family, so distractions were abundant. I had the most stress when I found myself sitting in my hotel room or in an empty home with nothing to do but be left with my thoughts. No quick PRN (as needed) medication to take off the edge of anxiety attacks. No stability in my hormones from being pregnant. Often doubting that my serotonin and dopamine levels were stable. I feared that I was going to fall back into the dark place I had been in, but this time dragging my baby down with me.
When I finally settled into my new town, I made it another priority to find a new psychiatrist and psychologist. Did you know that expectant mothers who have been pre-diagnosed with mental health illnesses have a greater risk of postpartum depression? This is something that I want to protect myself and my baby from, which is why my mental health is just as important as my physical health.
Starting something new – Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy
At my initial meeting with the clinic, they took 45 minutes to take an extensive history of all of the traumas that happened in my life. None of it going into detail, but just touching on topics of what events have happened, what therapies I’ve gone through, and if I’ve ever taken any medications. The care team concluded that trauma therapy was going to be my best bet if I was hesitant to continue taking psychiatric medications during my pregnancy and childbearing years. They recommended EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help reduce the intensity of traumatic memories.
Although I’ve only gone through one session of EMDR so far, I can say that after reading several studies on it, to include Shapiro’s articles, I am hopeful that it will help me. EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help reduce the intensity of traumatic memories. You will work with your therapist through an event, and they will rate how disturbed you feel from 1-7, pre- and post-EMDR session. The idea is to let your mind and body take it’s course of action, whether it’s physical manifestations (elevated heart rate, sweating, tachypnea, etc) or a replay of hard memories and ugly pictures.
You work through a series of bilateral stimulation & thoughts. Your therapist will help guide your thinking from negative thoughts that are based on feeling to positive thoughts based on fact. For instance, if you’ve tied the thought “I cannot trust anyone” to a specific memory, they will work toward “I can choose who to trust.” They will take your negative feelings and try to combat it with facts that you know. You may not have been able to trust that one person, but does that mean everyone you’ve met has wronged you? No – and that’s fact.
Slowly, you’ll start to feel your body loosen up, your physical manifestations will be alleviated, and you’re supposed to feel better after the session. My therapist says that the positive feeling you have is supposed to be strengthened as time goes on. In my personal experience, I was zoned out for the remainder of the day. I took a wrong turn into a lane and didn’t know how I had gotten there. All of my surroundings felt unfamiliar, and I had to use GPS to go down an entire highway I’ve driven every day for the past 2 months. I had to have my husband come to me so I could follow him home in fear of getting into an accident. This isn’t unusual for me, as I spend at least 90% of my day zoned out if I’m not completely focused on a task.
I look forward to seeing how EMDR will help me improve my mental health, and I hope to continue reading into it to give others more information to see if this type of trauma therapy would be a good fit.
Disclosure: My mental health is, and has always been, an extremely difficult journey for me. I use it to help break the stigma of seeking treatment. Please refrain from using my personal journey against me. If you’ve got nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything. We here at Okami & Company strive to keep our site a safe space for those battling mental illness.