In Uncertainty Comes Hardship, but in Hardships Comes Certainty

     My life as Kat began as a question, “who am I really?”  At such a young age, I never expected to find the answer would be that I was adopted and that my last name was not my own.  I had come to this realization after I found a videotape titled “Sergy” in a large antique cabinet in my living room.  I was not prepared for the content it contained.  It was a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, just like mine, begging the audience, “please take me to America to be with my sister Katya.”  I had discovered that I had another family somewhere else in the world that I knew nothing about.  As a result, my journey of becoming one with abandonment fears had begun.

     Over the course of a crucial few years, I asked my parents to tell me everything about this boy.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  But most of all, I felt betrayed as I learned the truth.  I was adopted from Domodedovo, Russia when I was 2 years old.  No other information about my biological family was given to me because my American adoptive parents did not know any.  They told me that Russia, at the time, had provided little to no information.  It wasn’t like the adoption system in the United States.  There were no pictures, no contact information, and no medical history.  At the time, Russia was different.  Poverty-stricken where most people were unable to take care of their own children.

  I did not believe my American parents.  In my mind, I didn’t even know who my parents were or what they looked like.  I wanted to know where certain personality traits came from and who else shared my physical features in my biological family.  Most of all, I wanted to know why I wasn’t wanted.  But life carried on, with me drowning in depression and anxiety.

“I maintained a bitter mindset, constantly resenting and blaming my adoptive family for what they had done.”

     I had always wanted to be accepted.  Who doesn’t?  It is a natural human need to find others who will accept them for who they are.  But finding out I had been lied to made it harder to trust anyone that was around me.  It was easier for my American brother, even though he was also adopted from Ekaterinburg, Russia.  He did not have the same fears that I had with people.  For me, I would establish friendships and let them fall apart because I knew that they would leave me or they did not want me just like my biological family in Russia.  I refused to let myself get to close to others and realized how vulnerable I was when I did.

  I was a mess when I would lose friends.  I did not understand the subconscious self-sabotage that I had done to destroy the relationship.  I was always told that I was “hard to deal with” or “too clingy.”  I constantly lived my life in fear that I would end up alone.  I accepted this as the truth to my life.  As I got older, I did not have many friends.  I saw everyone around me as fake.  I maintained a bitter mindset, constantly resenting and blaming my adoptive family for what they had done.  For years, I carried this burden alone.  I had been searching for answers since that day I found that tape.  I trusted no one and never had a genuine relationship where I felt that they would stay.  That is — until 2 years ago.

     I thought about my biological Russian family every single day and hoped one day we would find each other.  On Facebook, I received a message from a stranger asking if I was related to my adoptive brother.  I was hesitant to respond, but she told me that she helped him find his biological family— after reading this I must admit that I quite literally laughed out loud.  I responded to her that I had been searching for my family for years and I would be shocked if she could find them. I honestly thought it was a scam, but I played along anyway, curious to see what would happen.  First, I joined a Facebook group called “Russian Adoptees.”  Then, I gave her my Russian last name, brother’s name, birthdate, and birthplace.  In retrospect, I realize I was making a bold move.  Within two minutes, I received a message that contained a VK account and a positive note that read, “here you are.  I am positive this is your brother because he has been looking for you too.”

“I was certain it was the Sergy from the videotape all those years ago!”

  I clicked the link that showed a male that would have been my brother’s age and someone who looked just like me.  After getting in touch with him, and asking a series of questions that only my sibling would know, we Facetimed each other.  I was certain it was the Sergy from the videotape all those years ago!  My biological brother!  I even met my biological mother and finally asked her the questions that I had been saving for years.

     I am now 27 years old, and I feel like a door to that struggle has been closed.  I still have questions, but I have received so many answers that have helped change my views on my abandonment. I still keep people at an arm’s length when I first meet them, but I no longer think that they will abandon me.  I see it as an encounter that has given me insight and helps me carry on my journey in life.  Now, I believe we meet everyone for a reason.  A notion I never would have believed if I hadn’t met that person over Facebook.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t count my blessings of just how far I have come personally, emotionally, and spiritually.  While being adopted had its problems, from it, I am able to see the world in a different way than many from behind my blue eyes.

A note from Okami & Co.

  You can imagine the amount of questions we had after reading Kat’s story.  After speaking with her a little bit more, we learned that Kat has stayed in contact with her biological family, and has grown to understand the reasoning behind the secret that her adoptive parents kept from her.  Often, we don’t see the bigger picture that everyone else sees.  Kat learned that her adoptive parents were just trying to protect her from the things that were happening back in her hometown of Russia with her mother.

  Kat is now a writer of two blogs Transcending Thoughts and Kat’s Korner.  She writes books, short stories, blogs, and poems.  Kat is currently working on a book about The Invisible String that connected her to her Russian family for all those lost years.  Born into imagination, creativity is her best friend.  Writing raw and emotional posts, she challenges others to embrace new perspectives while encouraging everyone to take this journey with her.  You can find more of her work in the links below!

Transcending Thoughts Facebook page: Www.facebook.com/theantisocialxtrovert

Transcending Thoughts Official Website: Www.naturesofthinking.blogspot.com

Kat’s Korner Facebook Page: Www.facebook.com/KatsOfficialKorner

Kat’s Korner Official website: Www.katskornerofficial.com

Instagrams: @katsofficialkorner and @theantisocialxtrovert

The Destructiveness of Overbearing Positivity in Today's Culture

“Just look on the bright side. There’s always a rainbow after the rain.”

  If I had a penny for every time I heard that or something remotely close to it, then I’d have a pretty fat wad of cash stashed away in a nest egg.  It isn’t unusual to hear positive, motivational quotes when you’re stuck in a rut.  That’s pretty much how we’re programmed as a community to respond to negative energy.  Society tells us that positive thinking is what will make the hard times easier.  I feel like we’ve been brainwashed to think that happy thoughts can somehow make you fly away from your troubles.  But this isn’t Peter Pan, and there is no Neverland.  This is real life, and real life can suck.

  I’m speaking mostly from personal experience and from my conversations with friends, families, and patients alike…  Being told that “things could be worse” or “you just need to be more positive” can actually make it worse.

  There was a study led by Joanna Wood from the University of Waterloo in Canada, where people would repeat the mantra of “I am a lovable person” sixteen times, and would then take a survey to see how they felt afterwards.  The study resulted in those with normal to high self-esteem felt better after the task, and those with low self-esteem felt worse.  Eh? How does that make any sense?

  Well, If I feel like I’m an undeserving individual trying to convince myself otherwise, I end up with me feeling even worse about myself.  It’s only because I’d think that I wasn’t normal like everyone else who had a positive outcome chanting that little mantra.  This is what happens most of the time when I try to think positively about myself or my situations.  My thoughts are engulfed with uncertainties, deficiencies, and worst-case scenarios, making it very difficult to convince myself that I am worth it.   

Read: Joanne Wood’s Positive Self Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others study

  It’s already difficult enough to gather the courage to reach out for help when we’ve reached a breaking point.  Now just imagine reaching that point and having someone actually respond to you that it could be worse, or that your attitude is the reason that you feel this way.  IT SUCKS.  Not only have you belittled our problems and our feelings, you’ve told us that it’s our fault we feel this way.  It’s not that we want to be unhappy, it’s that we can’t even though we’ve tried.  Trust me when I say, we’ve tried.

  Just imagine that you’re fighting with your significant other, and the first five words that leave their mouth during the heat of an argument is, “you need to calm down.”  How often do you think someone calms down after being told that?  Not often at all.  Because you’re experiencing your emotion.  It’s the same concept for trying to cheer up your friends.  You may have good intentions in trying to lighten their mood, but how effective do you think it is?  Probably not very effective.

  When I first read this image on Facebook, I was happy that someone could draw this conclusion from a children’s series.  This is from Winnie the Pooh.  We all have seen the theories that every character in Winnie the Pooh represents some form of mental illness, whether it’s anxiety, OCD, ADHD, or depression.  Not all of them are as obvious as Eeyore’s depressive mood in the cartoon.

   They just show him love.  Love doesn’t have to come in the form of a pep talk to try and boost someone’s confidence.  If we didn’t have the confidence to begin with, what makes you think telling us that we don’t have it, will magically give it to us?  “Happiness is just a state of mind.”  Yes, thank you, a state of mind that I seem to have the inability to reach.

Read: Life with Generalized Anxiety

  Now hear me out, I’m not saying that being in a depressive state is good for anyone’s health, but these emotions demand to be felt, not pushed aside and left to brew for another day.  Forcing positivity down on someone that’s depressed is like trying to shine light into a black hole.  We’ve all seen the first photo of a black hole this year! No light goes into that black hole.

See? No light to be had in there. Credit: NSF

It’s okay to say that there is a brighter side. But don’t make it seem like someone is wrong for not being at that brighter side yet. Have patience with them. Be the supportive friend, but be there in the way they need you to be there.  Most of us don’t want life lessons if we aren’t readily asking for them.  Telling us that we could have it worse just belittles our feelings and makes us feel even worse about opening up in the first place.  Don’t give your friends reasons to shut themselves off if they’ve found the courage to open up.  Most of us just want a group of friends that will sit and treat us like we’re not fragile or treat us like we’re crazy for feeling the way we do.  Just show us love.

TEDxTalks: Mental Health and How it is to be Human

  If you didn’t know already, the month of May happens to be Mental Health Awareness Month.  I’ve spent a majority of my time re-watching TED talks on topics where the speaker has either dealt with a mental illness or has helped others with a mental illness.  It’s been an interesting journey for me since I’ve opened up about the things that have happened in my life.  Getting treatment for myself has only made me want to open the eyes of others who don’t understand how difficult living with a mental illness can be.

Read: Life with Generalized Anxiety - A guest post we had submitted to Sarah the Mindful Minimalist. It is about my life with generalized anxiety and how debilitating it can be when it’s at it’s worst.

Read: The Experience of Taking Psychiatric Medications - It was the last resort for me to ask for medications to help with my mood swings, anxiety, and depression. It’s been a long journey of trials and tribulations, but we’re getting there.

  What I’ve done here is pull together a few of my favorite TED talks for you to watch.  Going online and blogging about mental health to try and fight the stigma may seem like a daunting task, until you’re met with a community trying to do the same thing.  There has been so much progress in today’s society with how we treat mental illness and those who suffer from it, but it’s a slow-moving progression.  Hopefully a few of the words from these speakers resonate with you and open your eyes a bit more!

Sangu Delle: “Being honest about how we feel doesn’t make us weak - it makes us human.”

Sangu Delle witnessed the effects of opening up about having a mental illness.  He was approached by a friend who needed someone to confide in, and after knowing this, Sangu watched their friends begin to distance themselves.  Why is it that boundaries are created often when we find out that someone suffers from “being mental”?

---

Eleanor Longden: “Sometimes it snows as late as May, but summer comes eventually.”

At first the voices were easy to ignore, but as they began to start giving commands and become more hostile, Eleanor opened up to a friend that told her to seek medical attention. After being diagnosed with schizophrenia and having difficulties managing her symptoms, she learned that there were more to the voices than what they were saying. Now she advocates for those who suffer from auditory hallucinations to take advantage of the voices and see if they have another meaning.

---

Kevin Breel: “What you fear the most isn’t the suffering inside of you, it’s the stigma of others.”

Kevin Breel is your typical outgoing, energetic, stand-up comic that had two worlds: the one that everyone saw, and the one that he experienced behind stage.  Why is that we are so quick to send flowers and pay hospital visits to our friends who experience physical illness, but we are quick to run the other direction and place judgment when it’s a mental illness?  He encourages us as a community to stand together to help those in need, because we are stronger together.

Guest Post: My Life with Bipolar 1

It was in the summer of 2017 that my life changed. I went from being this happy, hopeful mom who had no idea what was about to hit her. In that moment, I was enjoying each day with my 2-month-old son and was, somewhat reluctantly, preparing to go back to work as a high school Spanish teacher.

Out of nowhere, with no warning or apparent reason, I started having symptoms of postpartum depression. I began having intrusive thoughts and fears that I wouldn’t dare say out loud, especially not to another person. I was being tormented by my own mind, but couldn’t ask for help for fear of losing my husband and son. Though looking back now, I can obviously say that I shouldn’t have been worried about such things, but in that moment, my fears were real.

I shortly asked for help from family and eventually saw a doctor and counselor who began treating me with postpartum depression and anxiety. It made sense; I had just had a baby. However, this diagnosis was not correct. Over a year and a half later, I was finally diagnosed correctly. I have bipolar disorder, bipolar 1 to be specific.

I’m currently going on almost 2 years of dealing with a mental illness, and the doctors still have not found the right medication for me. I’ve taken medications that make me sick, medications that come with severe risks, and medications that simply don’t work, and here I am in 2019 still trying to find a solution. The issue with bipolar disorder and medication is that there are so many options which practically makes it a guessing game as to which one will work for each person. I’m currently on number seven, but I’m not giving up hope.

Instead I’m focusing on better educating myself and others about life with bipolar, what it is and what it isn’t. The stereotype most people think of when they hear “bipolar” is someone who goes from being happy to sad or angry within minutes or who will react suddenly and change on the spot. That simply is not accurate. Most people with bipolar go through cycles of mania (or hypomania for bipolar 2), depression, and stability, though not all are lucky enough to cycle through stability. These cycles, or episodes, can last anywhere from days to years, but it’s not the minute-by-minute change people make it out to be. I, personally, am considered a rapid cycler, someone who has four or more manic or depressive episodes a year. My norm at this point in life is to experience 2-3 weeks of mania and then 2-3 weeks of depression, though it’s not always that predictable.

So what is the difference between bipolar 1 and 2? This is something I’m still working out myself. You see, for a while, I was convinced I had bipolar 2, but I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1, which was a huge shock to me! Bipolar is similar to Autism in the fact that it’s a spectrum. Some people are classified as having bipolar 1, some bipolar 2, and some not otherwise specified (NOS). The main difference between 1 and 2 though is the mania. People with bipolar 2 experience a more mild form of mania called hypomania, whereas people with bipolar 1 experience a more severe form of true mania. What made my bipolar 1 diagnosis so shocking to me is that I don’t exemplify some of the typical bipolar 1 symptoms, such as euphoria, excessive spending, or common types of risky behavior. What I’ve come to learn though is I experience dysphoric mania, a type of mania that is mixed with depression, also called a mixed episode. When I am in a state such as this, I experience great depression and irritability alongside extreme energy and urgency to do things, often attempting to solve the problems I am experiencing. This is a particularly dangerous episode to have because it’s a combination of both the mania and depression.

The interesting thing about bipolar is that, when in depression, it makes it seem like I will never get out of it. The same goes for when I am manic; I feel like I could never be depressed again. Like many others with bipolar, I question my diagnosis and often feel like nothing is wrong with me. The seriousness of this is that many with bipolar stop taking their medication and eventually spiral back down to a dangerous place. I, myself, have done this.

What has helped me the most, apart from medication, has been regularly attending weekly counseling and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills classes. Working with my counselor has helped me tremendously to understand what is going on inside of me, how to regulate my feelings, and how to interact better with others. In my opinion, seeing a counselor or therapist is of utmost importance for anyone dealing with a mental illness.

Even though I am still living with bipolar and continue to cycle from one episode to another, I am continuing to fight for a better life and for better mental health awareness for others as well. Even on the worst days, I try to remind myself that there will be good that comes from this illness. I will not let it be in vain; I will not let it win. My story will be used to bring hope and comfort to all who hear it, so that no one will go through this alone.

Bio: Sarah Ramírez, also known as The Mindful Minimalist on her social platforms, is a work-at-home-mom and blogger/YouTuber. She shares about her journey with minimalism, gentle parenting, healthy eating, and mental health.

If you’d like to see more of Sarah’s work, check out her blog and social media platforms here:

Blog: www.sarahthemindfulminimalist.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUiVntqj3UagzFhtl7Vhrpg?view_as=subscriber

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_themindfulminimalist_/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/themindfulminimalist/

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/sarahthemindfulminimalist/

When Silence Speaks More Than Words

  You'll have days that throw you off balance, and make you feel like the ground is being pulled from beneath you. Those days where you wake up and you can feel every ache and pain in your body, but it's not from something that you did physically, but what you feel emotionally. The debilitating pain of something that's grasping at your heart so badly that it makes you feel sick to your stomach.

  It could be from anything. It could've been something that happened yesterday. It could be something that's been happening over a period of time. It could be something that you've tried so hard to lock away, but something just unleashes every memory. Sometimes we wake up remembering events from our past that made us feel so small and vulnerable, that you have to really dig deep to remember that you're valuable and that you mean something. Sometimes we can be overcome with regret because we never got closure from something that made us hurt.

  Sometimes you just let your emotions get the best of you, and you can't figure out what words go together to best describe what you're feeling. Maybe that's because sometimes, there are no words that can describe what you're feeling. Maybe because sometimes sitting in silence and letting the feeling surpass you is the only way you can get through it.

  Sometimes not speaking sets the tone of your feelings in a way words couldn't. Words spoken with emotion carry such weight, that even when the moment has passed, it's something you can't take back. Is it better for us to continue to explain ourselves, and have bigger misunderstandings, than it is for us to sit quietly and reflect on the situation? When one speaks to us, we must listen to understand, not to reply. But when one is quiet, we must sit and try to understand, why that person is at a loss for words.

"Silence saves you from looking like a fool - because if your silence is not enough for people to realize that something is wrong - will your words even matter?" - Rania N.