A Special Reminder to Myself

You got this girl. 

Sometimes you feel like the world is against you,

And maybe sometimes it is, but most of the time it isn’t.

The voices in your head tell you what you don’t want to hear,

They tell you you’re not good enough,

That there’s nothing you can do to make things right,

That everything bad that’s happened is your fault.

You are good enough.

You have mended things.

Not everything is your fault.

Your heart hurts day and night,

And longs for people who are no longer here.

But they are;

They’re in your memories, the ones that bring

Tears to your eyes, or a smile to your face.

There’s strength in that.

Not everyone can endure guilt and grief like you have,

And still have enough to want to give love to others,

To care for others, to heal, nurture, and guide others.

Yet here you are, doing exactly that.

It’s okay to be weak, and it’s okay to be vulnerable.

The world will keep spinning even if it’s not on your shoulders.

Remember you always have people that love you,

And will be there to help stand you up.

Today is a rough day.

But you’ve made it through this day, nine years in a row.

There is no time limit on grief, and it comes and goes,

But it never stays for too long.

Don’t let it stay for too long.

You’re too strong for that. So be strong.

He’s looking down on you.

So make him proud of you.

Show him that he taught you how to love hard,

How to love wholeheartedly,

How to love genuinely,

And how to be kind and gentle.

That’s what he would’ve wanted.

Hellblade: How a Game Helped Me Understand My Wife

If you haven’t read my wife’s blog on her auditory hallucinations, you should read it prior to reading this blog.  It can be found here. 

As you’ve read, my wife experiences auditory hallucinations, and it’s been for some time now.  I just recently found out since it’s become more vocal in the past few months.  When I did, I didn’t see it as a big deal.  I came up with ways to help her when it became overwhelming.  My favorite was singing a song together, and it was a specific song.  So whenever I saw that it was too much for her, I would start softly with “ siiiiiiiing….,” then gradually get louder.  “Sing a soooooong.  SING OUT LOOOOOOUD.  SING OUT STROOOOOOOONG!!!”  And I’d sing louder and louder until it wasn’t bothering her anymore.  Plus, if I wasn’t there, it’d be something she could do that would help get her mind off of it. 

It’s easy to tell someone not to listen to the voices in their head

At times, I can say “it’ll be okay” and tell her to “just ignore it”, but it’d be very difficult for her to do so.  I can tell her it’s not real but it is to her.  For anyone who isn’t experiencing these hallucinations, it’s probably hard for them to understand what my wife is going through.  I can sympathize with her, but not empathize.

In order for me to truly understand something I have to experience it.  I may be a very understanding person, but this is something that is completely new to me.  I researched and read everything I could on it.  During my search, I remembered that there was a game that featured something similar to what my wife was experiencing.  The game is called “Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice,” and it’s a game that I’ve been wanting to play that I never got around to.  I thought that now would be the perfect time to do so.

How a game taught me about mental health

The game focuses on the heroine, Senua, and like my wife, she experiences auditory hallucinations (among other hallucinations).  Her goal is to save her lover’s soul from hell and fight her literal demons on her journey there.  The crazy part of this game is that IF YOU DIE TOO MANY TIMES, YOU LOSE ALL YOUR PROGRESS AND START FROM THE BEGINNING. This is no joke, I put that in caps for a reason. They will delete your game if you die too often, and the difficulty is intense at times.  It’s beautiful, gripping, and challenging. 

The best way to play this game, and the way I would recommend you play, is with headphones.  It’s truly an experience more than it is a game.  You’ll hear all the voices she hears, and according to my wife, it’s pretty accurate.  The game is very well researched and there’s even a special included on mental health.  While you’re playing, sometimes the voices will help, and sometimes they’ll instigate.  Sometimes they warn you, but the majority of the time, they bring you down.  From what I gathered from the game, it’s hard not to trust the voices when some of the things they say are true.

This game was a way for me to see what my wife is going through, and though it isn’t real, it’d be scary to think if it was.  What I remember most about this game is my wife telling me the type of voices that scare her.  So for me to truly understand what my wife is going through, I don’t think I ever will.  But by playing this game and opening my eyes to what life is like to experience auditory hallucinations against my will, I believe that I have learned so much more than what I am able to read online.

I’d recommend this game to anyone who is interest in learning about auditory hallucinations, or anyone who wants to play an overall good game.  The trailer can be found here, and a review from IGN can be found here.  If you’re experiencing auditory hallucinations, or any type of hallucinations, feel free to let us know and tell us how you cope.  Not only that, but let us know how others could help.  Sometimes, your support chain just isn’t sure what to do and could find this information useful.  There’s no judgement here, and I thank you for sharing.

The Experience of Taking Psychiatric Medications

I was afraid to try it because I was ashamed of what people would think of me if they found out…

  “I hate him because he’s always so freakin’ happy… Always smiling that cheesy smile…”  It’s hard to see others be so naturally happy when you’re just naturally sad.  It all seems like it’s some crazy fantasy; to imagine being that happy is a possibility for everyone… but me?  Why do I need help with it more than others do?

  It’s obvious that there is a stigma surrounding using psychiatric medications.  Movies often portray those with mental illness as people who cannot function “normally” in society and that we all belong in some asylum.  I’m here to tell you that there are many high-functioning people with mental illness, that’s to include myself.  Am I high-functioning?  I’m not really sure, I just want to feel special. Regardless of that, I take medications and I’m no longer ashamed. I’ll take my gigantic pill, very neatly organized pill box to work and pop it like it’s nothing.

  When you have cramps, or you strain a muscle, it’s so easily asked, “do you want some Ibuprofen?” or “do you want a Tylenol?”  When someone has a heart issue, it’s easy to place them on blood thinners or blood pressure medications.  All of which can be lethal in increased doses.  So why is it odd to hear that someone is on a medication that affects their brain?  Why are we suddenly treated like delicate flowers that will wither as soon as something presses against it?

  I take a couple of different medications that help control my mood and the symptoms that I get from my illnesses.  I’ve had to trial and error with other medications because some would make me feel sluggish, others would make me feel sick to my stomach, and others made my depression and mood swings much worse.  I feel like I’ve reached a point where I can take them without feeling awful.

  These things take time to make any change.  You start at low doses and work your way up to what helps you best.  It’s very important to not abruptly stop taking the medications because the repercussions could be much worse than the original signs and symptoms of your illness.  If you’re at your wits end with your mental illness, don’t feel shameful to ask your psychiatrist about medications that could best help you.

  There’s nothing wrong with taking medications.  It just means you’re intelligent enough to use the resources provided to you to help you feel a little bit better each day.

I ask that if I know you personally, to please do your best not to treat me differently. I have put myself out there bare bones to try and help reduce the stigma around mental illness. I have already accepted the fact that some of you cannot help it, so if that’s the case, please do not talk to me about it.

There’s this crappy situation that I have to re-write this blog due to a mishap while switching to our new layout. But I think it’s okay, because when I first wrote the blog, I was afraid to post it. It sat in my drafts folder for way too long. The things I wrote about had changed by then. In the previous blog, I focused on how the medications made me feel more than anything. I guess, this time around I have more to talk about, but I’ll try to include the content I can remember from the last post. I don’t understand the stigma behind taking psychiatric medications. I used to be so ashamed to ask for help, let alone medications… But starting them, I’m happy (haaa…) to say that they are starting to work. It was a rough first time go around. I’ll be more open on what I was taking as well.

My own experience in taking medications

I was first started on Effexor where I worked my way up to 150 mg. I felt nothing but nausea the entire time. Going on car rides was the most painful thing because it just made me want to yak all over the windshield every time. I was weaned off of Effexor, and started on Mirtazapine. Mirtazapine is something I still take, and it makes me the groggiest person in the morning. I always feel super slow and super heavy when I wake up. Sometimes I feel like I’m coming out of sedation. It makes going through my work day really difficult, although I do get some pretty legit sleep out of it.

On top of Mirtazapine, I was started on a low dose of Propranolol. It’s typical use is for cardiac medications, but at low doses, can be used to treat generalized anxiety. So far, it’s been very helpful in keeping my anxiety attacks at a minimum, and I have less time spent trying to “catch up with my heart”.

As you may have read, I also hear voices. I have become open about having auditory hallucinations, and if you want to call me crazy, then do it. But fair warning, you should never mess with crazy people, especially the ones that hear voices, ;). So I was started on a low dose of Abilify. I was extremely hesitant to take this medication since it is an anti-psychotic. It made me feel like I had officially been diagnosed psycho - which wasn’t the case. There’s a lot of things that have happened in my life that have required me to push the emotions down into a deep, dark box… That box was let open little by little, and everything started to pour out of me. Abilify really helps keep these dark thoughts in check.

Be patient, they don’t work instantaneously

The side effects are what will make you want to stop in the beginning. They’re awful, I’m not going to sugar coat that. You get nauseous, you can’t sleep, you get night sweats, nightmares, etc. The thing is, I was already having all of these symptoms before I started medications, so it’s not like it was any different. It was just more persistent. Nightmares got really intense to the point where I’d act out. Sean won’t tell you, but I’ve punched him in my sleep before, and he couldn’t do anything about it. But once you get past all of that, it’ll stop being as often, and you’ll start feeling better.

Break through the stigma

We’re so quick to offer Tylenol for fevers, Ibuprofen for sore muscles, and Midol for menstrual cramps. As soon as someone has something going on in their head, something you can’t see, then a negative stigma rises around it. The mind is the strongest organ you have. It’s ability to connect, retain, and create information… You’d be a fool not to take care of it the way you take care of every other organ. Just think of it as putting neosporin on your brain cells. Those synapses need some love too.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for seeking out treatment. I’m a very functional human being. I’ve gotten through nursing school, I’m a Commissioned Officer in the United States Army, and I’m a successful person. Don’t ever think that taking medications for your mental health will set you back.

You aren’t a fool for seeking help. You’re smart - because you’re utilizing the resources given to you to get better.

Did You Hear That? | What it’s like living with auditory hallucinations

  In 2016, I was doing my psychiatric ward rotation at Sacred Heart in Spokane.  We were learning about schizophrenia, and how auditory and visual hallucinations were very common.  When we were told that we were going to be doing an exercise that required us to wear a set of headphones that played a demonstration of auditory hallucinations, many of the girls were hesitant.  I was not.  I was not hesitant, because it was not the first time I had heard auditory hallucinations before.

  After my brother had passed away, for the first time ever, I had heard voices.  At first, I thought it was other people around me talking about me.  It wasn’t until I realized that even when I was the only one in the area, I would still hear voices.  I didn’t know what hallucinations were at the time, I was still young.  I was fifteen.  All I knew was I was afraid of what I would hear, so I always had music on, and it would make it better.

  To this day, I have auditory hallucinations, but it’s the first time that I’ve been open about it since learning about it in nursing school.  And honestly, it’s not that bad all the time.  Half of the time, I’m able to ignore it all together. 

 You can’t always tell what they’re saying

  The voices I hear aren’t always clear.  Most of the time it’s just garbled and muffled sounds.  When I do hear them, they’re not always mean.  Sometimes they just tell me that people are watching me, or they know my secrets.  Sometimes they say that I’m going to get hurt, or I’m going to be in danger if I go in somewhere.  It’s hard to not listen to the voices sometimes, but it’s not always as scary as it seems.

 It comes and it goes, it’s never constant

  It’s not like the voices are constant.  I’ve found that I hear them more often when I am under a lot of stress or there is an event that triggers something from my past.  It’s gone more often than you’d imagine.

 I named my voices so I wouldn’t feel too afraid of them

  My friend’s name is Billy.  I named him Billy from Billy and Mandy.  I’m Mandy, and Billy is just some bozo I bring around because I can make him do things.  Although it’s just a voice in my head, giving him a name to me doesn’t give him power, it gives me power.  Power to tell him to hush when I need him to hush.  The first voice I heard I named Billy.

 When I’ve had enough alcohol, I yell out at them

  I don’t typically like to drink too much alcohol nowadays.  I’ll have a beer or two now, and I’ll try to call it quits.  I’ve noticed that when I do end up drinking more than usual, I tend to yell out that Billy is not happy at all.  I also yell at Billy because he tends to become very overwhelming when I drink.

You can live with them

  I know it sounds scary with that last comment, but it really isn’t difficult to live with them.  Some days are worse than others, but most days are fine.  Throwing on some of my favorite music, and staying busy is what keeps the voices at bay.  I’m still a very functional adult, even with a few extra voices in my head.

Breaking the Stigma

My wife was a very closed person when it came to her mental health.  I asked on several occasions to try and go with her to one of her appointments, but to no avail.  It wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to attend her sessions at behavioral health.  I’ve gone to a total of 2 different sessions from 2 different doctors, and even then, I noticed a stigma about mental health.

What struggles do you face?

In our last session, I felt as if a lot of the questions had been directed towards me.  Let me clarify that when I say directed, I mean, I was asked questions about myself.  Initially, it was more about how we met and how we were doing.  But the question that struck me most was “what struggles do you face?” 

I didn’t really pay attention to it at first.  I spoke about our distance and how being 3 hours apart is extremely difficult for us, but also the best situation that we’ve ever been in.  If you are unaware, my wife and I have primarily lived apart due to the military.  When I say this is our best situation, it’s better than being a continent apart like we were before.  I brought up my fear of her hurting herself in her sleep (It’s a side effect of her medications.  She’ll have such vivid and emotional dreams that she will occasionally hurt herself by accident while she’s sleeping.)  This is one of my greatest fears when I’m not there because I can’t do anything to help her.  After expressing other similar concerns, he reiterated the question.  “Besides logistical factors, what struggles do you face?”

I didn’t understand the question.  I said that it’s all logistical, which is not what the doctor was looking for.  It had to be broken down to me.  My wife brought up Caregiver Burnout.  He wanted to know what struggles I had since I’m the primary caregiver for my wife, and how I’ve dealt with it.  If you are unfamiliar with the term, Caregiver Burnout is defined by WebMD as “a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned.”

The negative connotations of mental health

I was really taken back.  Just because my wife has been seeking help for her mental health does not necessarily mean that it impacts us negatively.  I love her.  If my wife recognizes a problem where she needs to seek help, I want to be there and support her through it.  It’s not a burden or troublesome to me.  It’s what I want to do for her.  I want her to heal and I know me being with her through these tough times helps her significantly.  It not only means a lot to her, but it means the world to me.  I want my wife to be happy, and her happiness is what matters most.

And now that my wife has finally opened up to me about her biggest insecurities.  I can see why she has never opened up to me in the past.  Just being asked about my struggles instead of keeping the focus on my wife during her session immediately implies that I will be impacted negatively due to her diagnosis.  It’s such a scary thought.  The term “dealing” had been used as well.  I strongly feel that it is the wrong word to use.  Dealing implies some sort of compromise, a give and take type of scenario.  Well, this isn’t the place for that.  If you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to deal with them to help them.  It should be something that you want to do, selflessly and wholeheartedly.

After I expressed my feelings of love and affection for my wife, the focus went back to her.  I held her hand, wiped her tears (but not the snot), and then comforted her for the remainder of the day.  I was just joking about the snot btw lol.  But now that my second session was complete, what did I learn? 

Well, I learned that my wife fears that she is a burden just because of how the world perceives our situation.  I truly hope she knows that this is not the case.  It really brings to light why it’s so difficult for people to open up to their loved ones.  Not only that, but to seek help.  If people have this belief that the ones closest to them see them as a burden, then why would it be different for a complete stranger, such as a medical specialist, to see them as otherwise? 

This is the type of mentality that has to change.  If you know someone who is experiencing something similar to us, help them. It’s difficult enough opening up about how we feel to someone else, imagine what it’s like trying to express your emotional state.  And if someone does open up to you, know that they trust you with all their being.  Do the best you can for them and though they may not say it, know that you’re making a positive impact on their life.

Have a similar story?  Feel free to share it with us.